impasse

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
impasse
21
Fri, 06-12-2009 - 9:14am

Hi everyone,

Thanks for all who have given me advice on my posts.

We are at an impasse and I think the only solution is for me to end the relationship. We have gone around and around. I don't understand him and he doesn't understand me. I don't think he is truly LL, I believe he doesn't like to feel pressure, along with control issues.

What hurts me is his seeming resistance to any kind of compromise. We discussed in therapy laying skin to skin with no expectation of sex so I can get some physical closeness and he doesn't feel pressure. I asked him why he doesn't initiate this and he responds "I don't know."

Now when I explain how that makes me feel I don't matter he gets angry and tells me I put too much emphasis on sex and implies there is something wrong with me. I know there isn't! I have tried to compromise but I won't live with someone who doesn't feel passionate towards me. I am 36 and I feel like we are in our 90s!

I told him I feel there is little optimism on my part that we can work this out and he is in complete denial about it. Yesterday he said until our next therapy appointment we should act as if everything is okay. Basically I hear that he doesn't want to feel bad about things. I can't seem to impress upon him that we are on the road to breaking up.

Someone on this board told me he might not get it until I actually move out. Financially that will be very tough. I hate to think that is what it takes, as if I have to move out I will most likely be done working on things.

I just wish he understood it is not just the physical act of sex, it's how I feel loved. And for me to tell him exactly this, and for him to not make this a slightly higher priority...well, it makes me feel like he doesn't think my needs are valid and that he doesn't care.

Then when we do have sex he tells me how good it is. I do not get it!!!!

Thank you for letting me vent.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
In reply to: autumn3303
Fri, 06-12-2009 - 11:18am
...sex probably does feel good for him...when he wants it and he feels no pressure...and, I am not saying that you pressure him...you've told him how you feel...you've explained your needs specifically...it's up to him to respond or not...you've already made your change...you are having your need for sexual affection/emotions fulfilled far less than you want/need...the only thing that I would suggest further is to ask him specifically how often he feels the need for sex...a specific number...pick the mid-point between yours and his and ask him if he is willing to lovingly and enthusiastically have some sort of sex with you that number of times...even if it means that you aren't having intercourse, but sometimes focusing entirely on your needs...if he is willing and follows through immediately for an extended period of time (a period of time that you have in mind but do not share with him)...you have your answer that "yes" your needs and compromise are important to him...if not, then you have your answer that "no" your needs and compromise is not important to him...and, keep in mind...compromise and striving to meet needs are integral parts of a relationship...having everything to do with everything from money, number of children (or, if there are going to be children)...how the children will be raised...where you will live...how you will spend couple time/alone or with friends time...someone unwilling to work toward a compromise will always have their needs met...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
In reply to: autumn3303
Fri, 06-12-2009 - 4:35pm

<>

What never ceases to amaze me, when reading posters' stories, is how many of their partners seem to trot out this "I don't know" answer. For me, this lack of self-awareness would probably be a deal-breaker. I don't care what the issue is, if someone has no insight into his behaviours, then he's not the man for me. I guess psychological acumen is one of the attributes I seek in a man (and also in female friends, come to think of it).

Freelance

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
In reply to: autumn3303
Fri, 06-12-2009 - 5:34pm
Sometimes "I don't know" is just a way of evading the question. They know the answer, but for some reason they don't want to give it. I have given that answer when I thought the answer would do more harm than no answer at all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2007
In reply to: autumn3303
Sat, 06-13-2009 - 3:56am

<< What hurts me is his seeming resistance to any kind of compromise. We discussed in therapy laying skin to skin with no expectation of sex so I can get some physical closeness and he doesn't feel pressure. I asked him why he doesn't initiate this.. >>

So... have you initiated this? What happens when (if) you initiate this?

If it's "really" not about the physical act of sex for you, and it's "really" about "feeling loved", then it sounds like its possible to just simply understand the "ways" HE feels he shows that he loves you. In other words, it sounds like maybe you just need to learn his love language.

For me, it's the opposite. I KNOW my wife loves me, and I KNOW how she expresses it, and I FEEL her love. That is NOT good enough for me... I need/want sex, and lots of it, in my marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
In reply to: autumn3303
Sun, 06-14-2009 - 7:02am

Thanks to all for the replies. I agree with Freelance, this lack of self awareness is an irritation for me, but seems to only be in this area.

If I initiate laying skin to skin we end up having sex, he feels this skin to skin is implying sex (even though I say that is not the case). But again, I am initiating this or sex and he rarely does.

We had a tough conversation where he states that he wants to give me these things but can't(?)

One thing he said is that since he knows I want sex all of the time (since I feel deprived) it makes him want it less knowing it is always available. Like there is no challenge.

He goes to therapy next week on his own and then we are going together so I have to give him credit for trying.

Thanks again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
In reply to: autumn3303
Sun, 06-14-2009 - 10:57am

<>

Ah, the dance of intimacy at its finest! The more one partner wants something, the less the more other does. The more one does, the other does not do. It's nature's way of keeping things in balance, perhaps.

Pay a lot of attention to this. He has revealed the key to getting what you want. You just have to listen and act on it wisely.

Stop wanting it so much! It's not as hard as it sounds. There have been several people on this board, myself included, that have been able to do this. And, as a result, we get more sex and far less frustration in between. Stop obsessing about it and stop doing all the things you do that stimulate your sexual interest. Be open to it but don't expect it. Since I've starting doing this, my sex life is far better.




Edited 6/14/2009 2:10 pm ET by magnaniman
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2008
In reply to: autumn3303
Mon, 06-15-2009 - 9:03am

In his defense, I think this lack of self awareness is fairly common. At least the the younger one is, the less aware one is. I think it is partly what MST says--I think people say "I don't know" because they fear the consequences of telling the truth, and this is easier--and partly because some just haven't really thought about it. Deep introspection is not necessarily common trait these days. And, truly, one never really can be absolutely sure they have the true answer, or simply the answer that they are the most comfortable with.

I know that in my teens and twenties, "I don't know" would have been a more likely answer than it is now. Age hopefully does give one some perspective on their own behavior. Even though I have a deeper understanding my own habitual behaviors at my age, it doesn't always prevent me from acting them out. It does allow me to recognize (and stop) them sooner, and apologize for them if I let them go too far.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2004
In reply to: autumn3303
Mon, 06-15-2009 - 11:42am

Autumn,

I don't know your guy but I doubt seriously this has anything to do with lack of self awareness. This is him just not wanting to answer your question. He knows it will hurt your feelings or create an even bigger fight.

It seems to me that unless something has changed drastically since you got married, he should still be wanting sex just as much as earlier in the relationship. At least, that's my feeling. Can you think of anything that would be a turn off for him now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
In reply to: autumn3303
Tue, 06-16-2009 - 7:11am

"Stop wanting it so much!"

This I can try to do, although it feels like it is repressing an important part of me. Can you tell me how you were successful at this?

As for him "just" losing interest in sex for some reason, I honestly don't know. I haven't gained weight or look or act any different than I did before. He said yesterday he feels my requests are completely reasonable. Which is good to hear but I am cynical.

Thanks again...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
In reply to: autumn3303
Tue, 06-16-2009 - 9:58am

<>

It wasn't that difficult once I realized that a lot of my "need" for sex was unhealthy. Sex is rarely just about physical gratification. It encompasses lots of different needs. Need for physical affection, for closeness, for validation, for self-esteem, etc. Not all those secondary needs are positive. Relying on sex and our partners for validation and self-esteem, for example, is grossly unfair and will rarely produce good results.

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