Initiating Sex

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Initiating Sex
62
Mon, 06-20-2011 - 2:03pm

Mol's thread in Sharing Support got me thinking about the the responsibilities we have to partners when we initiate sex.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Mon, 06-20-2011 - 4:52pm
Magnaniman,

You are definitely on the right road with your extreme consideration and your reasonable expectations. I think the one thing I would say about initating is to not do it when a polite "no thanks" would be a crushing blow. If you cannot gracefully accept any and all reasonable and non-abusive answers to the question, then you need to not ask it at all. You want to avoid doing more harm than good.

The WAY you ask can be as important as the timing too. Some women want to be grabbed and thrown across the bed, others prefer a kiss on the neck, still others prefer a forthright and verbal "wanna get nekkid?" The point here is to try to find out what your partner prefers in regard to being approached. Also I would try to time said approach when you would be likely to get a "yes." If you know your partner is frisky in the morning, then that is your best time. If you know your wife has a surge in desire/response when she ovulates (and lots of women do, I'd strongly suggest you make a note of what time in the month is best sexually for her) then that is your time to send the text message that says "I'd like to have a nooner today, how bout you?"

I know it's a lot to consider and a delicate dance, but if you figure out all the logistics you can really stack the deck in your own favor.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2005
Mon, 06-20-2011 - 7:52pm

I see absolutely no point in initiating. If she feels like it she will approach me. If she doesn't, nothing is going to change her mind. I never initiate any more. And yes, it's because even a polite "No thank you" is a tough blow - kind of like scratching an open wound I guess.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Tue, 06-21-2011 - 6:31am

Magniman, your consderation does you credit, yet it doesn't

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Tue, 06-21-2011 - 6:36am

If she feels like it she will approach me.

SFCJ, I fear you are on the end of the nasty "I only have sex when I want it (desire it)" ideology.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2009
Tue, 06-21-2011 - 9:26am
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2005
Tue, 06-21-2011 - 11:32am

MOL, I am no doubt partly to blame in this respect. I really don't want my partner to grin and bear it...I want her engaged and enthusiastic, so as soon as there is talk of a compromise position, I am put off. Perhaps that is something I need to work on. It is for the same reason that I could never employ the services of a hooker (I don't even like strip clubs) - the thought that someone is sexual with me for reasons other than attraction simply spoil it. Arcmchair psychologists may say it is a deep-seated need for acceptance - perhaps they are right.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Tue, 06-21-2011 - 11:37am

What is your feeling about quickies or good-enough sex?

I don't mind

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Tue, 06-21-2011 - 11:38am

....I think you want what you want...if you want to desired, you just do and you can't change that...what you can do is settle...settle and compromise carry very negative connotations...and, that is so sad for a couple that would prefer to live out the rest of their lives together...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Tue, 06-21-2011 - 1:09pm

the thought that someone is sexual with me for reasons other than attraction simply spoil it

Well, you may have that rule - is there any way to nuance or modify it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Tue, 06-21-2011 - 1:20pm

The only other things that occurred to me were:

We have a semi-schedule to get to 2x pw.

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