Initiating Sex

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Initiating Sex
62
Mon, 06-20-2011 - 2:03pm

Mol's thread in Sharing Support got me thinking about the the responsibilities we have to partners when we initiate sex.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2009
Tue, 06-21-2011 - 1:43pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Tue, 06-21-2011 - 1:56pm
>>I think your positive attitude is a huge factor in why you've been so much more successful in improving your ML situation than so many of the rest of us.<<

You are 100% correct. If my DH would take a stance even 1/2 as level-headed and generous as Mol, we would have no issue to resolve. But his constant expressions of disappointment in my less than passionate participation are a show stopper for us.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Tue, 06-21-2011 - 2:14pm

She says that having sex last thing at night keeps her awake, I wonder if that's a factor for your DW?

Not really.

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Tue, 06-21-2011 - 3:20pm
I have begun to believe that the "not asks" should be made explicit. So that the LL is aware of the HL's consideration. When you glance over at your LL and realize they are not in the mood, but you are, point out that you noticed and are not asking even though you are in the mood. You can't hope to get credit for restaining yourself if your partner is not aware you are restraining yourself.

Don't make it a game. Don't ask every night to prove a point. But when you are particularly horny, and you realize the odds of success are extremely low, say "I know you aren't in the mood now, so I'll wait for a better time to ask, but I just wanted you to know how delicious you look and how much I would have liked to have sex if you were available." Who knows, maybe they will surprise you and say "OK, let's do it". And if not, at least they can't claim they never turned you down or that you aren't understanding most of the time when you realize the timing isn't right.

Yes, they might eventually say "is that all you think about"? At which point you reply "yes, when it has been this long since the last time, yes, that is pretty much all I think about".

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Tue, 06-21-2011 - 3:24pm
>>Don't make it a game. Don't ask every night to prove a point. But when you are particularly horny, and you realize the odds of success are extremely low, say "I know you aren't in the mood now, so I'll wait for a better time to ask, but I just wanted you to know how delicious you look and how much I would have liked to have sex if you were available." Who knows, maybe they will surprise you and say "OK, let's do it". And if not, at least they can't claim they never turned you down or that you aren't understanding most of the time when you realize the timing isn't right.<<

this is plain out BRILLIANT! My DH needs to do this. When I get home toninght he should point ou that he really wanted to wake me up last night, but knew I was tired so he let me sleep....then ask if I want to take a shower and "get it on." I'd say yes, firstly because I'd be appreciative of his consideration and restraint, and also because I get a two-for-one, didn't get woken last night, and would not be woken tonight either, because he would already be "taken care of"

Hold, you're a genius!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Tue, 06-21-2011 - 4:17pm

Hold, you're a genius!!

Agreed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
Tue, 06-21-2011 - 4:34pm

miranda, why dont you initiate when you get home by asking him to get it on in the shower, and tell him you appreciate that he let you sleep?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Tue, 06-21-2011 - 4:49pm

>>miranda, why dont you initiate when you get home by asking him to get it on in the shower, and tell him you appreciate that he let you sleep?<<

Because he actually DIDN'T let me sleep. He woke me up and told me that he had coughed up something gross onto his pillow and then when I tossed it in the laundry he made a big deal outta the fact that the reason he woke me up was because he thought I'd want to pre-treat it right away so it didn't stain. So I got BACK up and dealt with that, then laid there for about another 30 mins before I got back to sleep at around 5 am.

But I see your point, I could initiate sex when I got home, if he happens to be there and if he doesn't happen to be in the middle of anything. I think that today he will be in town still, he's shopping for a new fridge for his momma and he didn't get out of the house until around noon, so......probably not gonna happen. I should keep it in mind for some other time though.

And you do see how it would work better for making me appreciative to have him SAY that he'd let me sleep because he knew I was tired, vs just me guessing it might have been the case, right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
Tue, 06-21-2011 - 4:57pm

Yep, I do see, I get it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Tue, 06-21-2011 - 5:10pm
>>he would probably start expecting it every evening AND during the night and then get mad when you missed a thursday or something<<

LOL! oh seriously LOL...in my office, with the door open! I don't think he'd go that far off the rails, and I do think the positive reinforcement plan has merit. I think I definitely could reward him for letting me sleep, if it happened...but I don't want to do so when he hasn't, cause that corrupts the positive feedback loop.

I might go ahead and do a pre-emptive strike though, because we haven't had any sex since Saturday night/Sunday morning, so it would be a good thing to do.

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