Initiating Sex

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Initiating Sex
62
Mon, 06-20-2011 - 2:03pm

Mol's thread in Sharing Support got me thinking about the the responsibilities we have to partners when we initiate sex.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Thu, 06-23-2011 - 9:03am

..I understand, but I think that might be what some of the LLs might say too...it's not just the requests for sex or the sex one has had in spite of not wanting to, it might be the repeated requests in spite of giving off verbal and non verbal clues that sex is not

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Thu, 06-23-2011 - 9:51am

anyone who goes into a relationship thinking their partner feels the same way about likes and dislikes of any kind (sex, food, parenting, television/movie type...anything...is ill prepared for a relationship

I'd agree with this... mostly Z.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Thu, 06-23-2011 - 10:14am

...what if the LL is beyond "just doesn't feel like it"?...what if they are sexual traumas or mental illnesses or personality disorders (which I happen to think occurs more often than not...)?...

...another thought here that I've been considering...why is the brunt of responsibility on the LL?...how many times do we read something like "I played a part in the sexual mess our relationship is, but....."...if the HL did not express "I will pursue having sex with other people if you should decide to take control of our sex lives and deny me satisfaction" why is the LL more responsible for knowing and communicating..."I am not particularly attracted to men that I am in a committed relationship with and after I have children I will become so preoccupied that I will probably push you to the side and if you don't speak up in real language and tell me that you might leave the relationship if I don't pull out of the preoccupation, I really won't understand the extent of your hurt because when it comes to sex, I'm not as into it as you and I just can't fathom sex being so important that you would choose to leave your family life over it"....if the LL is to go against what they feel might be the priority for the relationship (fostering children)...why is a common train of thought here that the HL should not have to go against what they feel is the priority of the relationship?...does sexual desire trump the priorities of the LL...

(mol, it's kind of unfair that you're answering as you are "da man"....you've stretched and stretched and stretched and stretched...and communicated and communicated and communicated...I can't imagine that you would identify with the HL that would insist that their desires trumps whatever other issue the LL might be experiencing..unfortunately, sometimes the LL is way beyond "tired" or "mad" or "headachey" or "just not feeling like it"...there may be people here that post as HLs that feel they've given and given and given to their relationships but what they've given is their idea of important and may not be defined that way...their partners may be feeling like their core feelings are being ignored as well...and, as you've read, it's not good enough for most of the HLs here that their spouses/partners compromise and have sex a number of times without desiring it at all...what is an LL supposed to do?...especially if the HL doesn't want to be the bad guy and leave the relationship...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
Thu, 06-23-2011 - 1:36pm

Personally, I think it depends on which side of the line the one closer to "normal" is as to who gets the sympathy and who should change.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Thu, 06-23-2011 - 2:01pm

does sexual desire trump the priorities of the LL....(or sexual traumas or mental illnesses or personality disorders)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Thu, 06-23-2011 - 2:14pm

...most, if not all, (don't know about Mol...) of HLs males describe not talking about sex, not having sex before marriage and not confronting seriously about sex before children were born...if they swept it under the rug or danced around the subject...why does the LL hold more responsibility?...what about the HL that wants more sex, but not from the LL if it means they have sex without desire most of the time...what if unmeetable goals are attached like "I want my LL to want me and desire me"...why is the LL expected to feel what they just don't feel? (no, I don't mean Mol who has very much accepted

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Thu, 06-23-2011 - 2:17pm

...I think you're a good guy...most of our HL male posters write that their wives having sex that do not want to have is not good enough?...how is the LL supposed manufactor that desire?...how does that LL meet the need?...yes, mental illness would be difficult...what about sexual traumas suffered in the past (sexual fondling starting in early childhood, intercourse by the tweens?...and, finally, if the HL does/did not make their needs knows concretely and draw a line of what is acceptable and what isn't, why does the LL fail the test?...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Thu, 06-23-2011 - 2:50pm
Z,

I agree and appreciate everything you've said in these posts. I am that LL who is exhausted, sick, etc and my DH doesn't ever view my contribution as "enough" and who bears the entire responsibility for the problem.

I will say that the reason I DO kind of bear this responsibility is because I am the one who "changed." I failed to have enough self-awareness to see this problem coming. My DH was very very very clear at the beginning of our relationship about how he did not want to ever be "pushed away" sexually at any time. I didn't take his words seriously enough, and I didn't anticipate it would ever be a problem. It caught me "unawares." Do I think that it is wrong that I have to do all the bending and stretching and heavy lifting in the ML? Yes! Do I realize that DH has sacrificed way beyond what he originally planned to? Yes! Based on our initial conversations about this situation (that occurred way before ML became a reality) he should have kicked me to curb and moved on. He didn't. I'm grateful for that opportunity to find a way through this, even if I don't always articulate that.
Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Thu, 06-23-2011 - 5:56pm
I see both sides. I don't think one side trumps the other in either direction. I think the couple should try it both ways for 3 or 4 months and see what they can tolerate. Preferably before they have kids.

Try having the HL hold off on asking whenever they get "not tonight" vibes. See how often sex occurs. See how often the LL turns the HL down despite the HL's "understanding". See if the HL can tolerate that schedule and success rate.

Try having the HL ask whenever they are in the mood. Notwithstanding the LL's vibes. Again, see how often sex occurs. See how often the LL rejects the HL. See if the LL can deal with that much pressure.

If the couple spent 6 months or a year being honest with each other about what they want and don't want and what they can and cannot tolerate, might help avoid the long term disconnect.

Then again, many of the mismatches don't arise until later. When NRE wears off. And kids might have arrived already. Yet another reason not to marry and have kids until you have been in a relationship for a good long while. Those of us who married and had kids shortly after meeting our spouse took a huge risk, and we shouldn't be shocked that we lost the bet. There was always a big chance we would.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Thu, 06-23-2011 - 6:03pm
>>Then again, many of the mismatches don't arise until later. When NRE wears off. And kids might have arrived already. Yet another reason not to marry and have kids until you have been in a relationship for a good long while. Those of us who married and had kids shortly after meeting our spouse took a huge risk, and we shouldn't be shocked that we lost the bet. There was always a big chance we would. <<

And, I feel obligated to mention that you can be together for YEARS and have this sneak up and bite you in azz anyways. People change. Things change. Life has a way of surprising you and f(_)cking up everything you thought you had made in the shade.

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