Initiating Sex

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Initiating Sex
62
Mon, 06-20-2011 - 2:03pm

Mol's thread in Sharing Support got me thinking about the the responsibilities we have to partners when we initiate sex.

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Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Thu, 06-23-2011 - 6:08pm
I agree. the HL should make their needs known clearly and explicitly. And if the HL needs their partner to feel a certain way, it is not the LL's fault that they do not, in fact, feel that way. Still, not all mismatches can be resolved. The issue is not "fault". It is open honest communication. Which is as much the HL's responsibility as the LL's.

My suggestion about the HL sharing when they exercise self-restraint is part of open and honest communication. Not intending to blame the LL for saying no when they want to say no. Just saying that the LL needs to understand the HL's "batting average". And the LL cannot know how often the HL is "striking out" if the HL doesn't communicate how often they don't even bother to step into the batter's box. Even worse, it is tragic if the HL is calling off the game at times when the LL would have been willing to play if the HL had invited the LL onto the field.

Once the couple knows how each of them feels, they can hopefully work out a system that both can tolerate. This might well involve the HL exercising self-restraint in some situations. But it is difficult for the couple to negotiate a mutually satisfying system if one party is operating with less than full information.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2011
Wed, 08-10-2011 - 10:10pm
I just wanted to say I sat here reading this thread for two hours and I am fascinated! It's like the mothership has called me home! :) There ARE other people who live in the hell I live in! Just knowing that helps some!
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Thu, 08-11-2011 - 4:22am

Welcome.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2011
Thu, 08-11-2011 - 8:27am
I can't tell you how lost and hopeless I've felt over the last few years. Feeling time and time again like an ugly, rejected, failure :( I know that's not the case but hard not to get sucked into it all after dealing with it for so long with no end in sight.
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Thu, 08-11-2011 - 1:05pm

"Feeling time and time again like an ugly, rejected, failure"

Much as you can tell yourself, "it's not me" and rationalise this, I guess this is more or less unavoidable.

Which is why it's important to take some action when you're ready.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2011
Thu, 08-11-2011 - 2:21pm
You're right. I love him and don't want to spend my life without him but keeping up this way doesn't seem much like an option either. I love sex and he apparently hates it so I guess sometimes I just think, SOMEONE has to pull the short stick here as you can't both get what you want if you want opposite things so I guess it's arrogant to assume it shoUld be him to pull the short stick?
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Thu, 08-11-2011 - 2:41pm
How could he possibly pull the short stick? He cannot desire something he doesn't. The best he could do is take acting lessons and fake it, but I am pretty sure that's not what you want either. You need to really think about what you want, because it sounds like you want his desire...and he doesn't have it to give. So what then?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2011
Fri, 08-12-2011 - 8:52am
No what I meant about drawing the short stick is that we want opposite things which means that one of us is going to HAVE to do something we don't want to. So I was wondering if it was arrogant of me to assume it should be HIM who does what he really doesn't want to as opposed to me NOT getting what I really need. When I first posted here I think I did probably want him to do it and to love it. After reading some posts I now see that is not only impossible for him but inapproiate of me to ask. Really now my goal is to somehow come up with an arrangement we can both love with that keeps him from dreading every moment thinking I am going to want to talk about it AGAIN and also keeps me from feeling like I am going to explode because of all my pent up sexual frustration.
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2011
Fri, 08-12-2011 - 8:56am
Sorry about the typos :) on my phone!
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Sun, 08-14-2011 - 10:49am

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