is it really just a waste of time?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2008
is it really just a waste of time?
14
Tue, 06-09-2009 - 3:47am

I have been reading the posts here for a while, joined in a few times and posted about my own situation.


I am gay, in my 20s, in love with and living with a wonderful man. Since living together, which has now been for a few years, he has avoided me sexually. Of course he still loves me, finds me attractive, just doesn't want to have sex with me too often (because that makes such perfect sense!?).


From reading on here it sounds like it is mostly a hopeless waste of time. I am starting to think if he was capable of change or cared to that he would have already.


I mean, seriously, if both partners cared so much about each other should it ever even get to the point we are posting on here? If the love is so great shouldn't both partners be doing everything they can to bridge the gap? I sure am but he isn't. What does that make him, loving or selfish and lazy?


Before I get accused of being a demanding HL who doesn't join in on compromise with my LL partner I will add that I would LOVE to settle on a halfway point or even less than that and have done everything I've thought of, read and been suggested to do.


I am totally devastated at the prospect of what to do. I have lived in hope but am I just wasting me time? Are we all wasting our time? I really though he'd care enough to make life better for me. I sure have done a world of things to make life better for him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Tue, 06-09-2009 - 8:03am

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...yes, he should love you enough to bridge the gap if he is aware of your specifically stated needs...and, with the information that you've given, I diagnose him as lazy and selfish...which was the cause behind the ML that invaded my first marriage...I was lazy and selfish and did not want to put the effort, time, and attention into a sexual relationship with my husband even though he came to me and told me that he felt sexually and emotionally starved...

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...again, yes...he should work to compromise...I think that often the HL has to compromise and "give" more than the LL...at least in my marriage right now that is the case...my husband would like to have sex twice a day...me?...I am good with 3-4 times a week...we've settled on everyday (once)...I stretch out of my comfort zone 3-4 times a week...he stretches out of his 7 times a week...

...so, in my opinion...what you need to decide is if you can live happily with someone who is too lazy and selfish to compromise when it comes to your sexual needs (a need that I have to assume the two of you have declared off limits to stranger satisfaction)...I think that this same laziness and selfishness will spill over into other areas of the relationship...are you ok with that long term?...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2009
Tue, 06-09-2009 - 7:12pm

I've been living with this for over 18 years and the only thing I've discovered is there's only one thing to do. You weigh it all up honestly. Does the lack of sex and intimacy outweigh the grocery shopping, foot rubs, shoulder to cry on, sounding board duty, and other

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2008
Tue, 06-09-2009 - 8:16pm

"I have lived in hope but am I just wasting me time?"


Scot,


I've been a very hopeful person since my relationship troubles started a few years back.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Tue, 06-09-2009 - 10:17pm

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Yes, it most definitely can get to this point even if both partners care about each other. If your partner was of a particularly industrious temperament, he could will himself to initiate sex and engage sexually with you in the absence of desire, but he could not will the desire. If he was pushing himself to have sex, you would sense this, and you'd be on this board complaining that he's not really into it. For his part, he might grow to resent having to force himself day after day, week after week, month after month, and year after year. I think many people (LLs and HLs alike) perceive his type of self-coercion as a travesty of sex, which is supposed to spring from ardent desire.

There's really no way to win this war except through acceptance. If the gap is too wide, I think parting ways is often the best solution.

JMHO Freelance

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2008
Wed, 06-10-2009 - 5:19am

Hey thanks so much for your input. To respond to everyone..... is a tad long....


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Wed, 06-10-2009 - 7:45am

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...in my opinion and from my experience...I do engage in sex when I am not in the mood...and, I ALWAYS enjoy the experience...be that the enjoyment stems from the fact that while not aroused when he initiates, I do become aroused and climax...or, he enjoys it so much that I enjoy his satisfaction...for me...sex is not always about the orgasm...as a matter of fact, I may have an orgasm every other time...but, I never feel as though I am cheated out of enjoyment...as I said...his enjoyment is so important to me...I do realize that it would be hard for a man to have sex when not aroused if intercourse is a requirement for his partner...but, I don't have sex tied up in a sealed box...it's not about intercourse, or mutual orgasms...or, long, involved sessions...or, quickies or...anything...it's about whatever happens when the two of us come together in our own space to enjoy each other...the fact that some would feel used, taken advantage of, dirty...or, like a wet hole...when having sex that they were not in the mood for boggles my mind...even when during my first marriage when I was never in the mood, I did not feel used when we did have sex...I recognized sex as a need that I preferred that we keep between the two of us...I simply wanted him to adjust his need down level...flashing forward to my current marriage...my husband's emotional/sexual satisfaction/needs are very important to me...I don't want him to feel neglected...so, I stretch out of my comfort zone and I have felt not the first ominous feeling as a result...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2007
Wed, 06-10-2009 - 12:19pm

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I think posting here is a sign that the partners DO care so much about each other...otherwise we'd just leave the relationship and find someone else.

I care for my wife so deeply that I found this board desperately searching for some answers to improving our relationship. (either increase her libido, or try to get to a place where her lack of sexual interest in me wasn't so devastating and poisoning to our marriage)

I would never put in this amount of time, money (counseling), or emotional pain if I didn't truly believe that she also cared deeply for me.

In an nutshell: Posting on here indicates some level of caring and love between partners. Posting on craigslist......not so much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Wed, 06-10-2009 - 12:39pm
...how does your wife show that she cares about you "that" much?...
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2007
Wed, 06-10-2009 - 1:01pm

That's always a tough one to quantify, isn't it?
Ok, here goes......in no particular order:

Entheusiastic, loving Sex - just not as often as I'd like.
Being a wonderful mom to our child
kisses and snuggling and handholding
doing her part to keep up the household responisbilities. (4 the most part)
I always come home to a nice dinner...even though she really doesn't enjoy cooking.
making sure I get some time out w/ the guys
being understanding of my very demanding work requirements
listening when I need to vent about work....even though she doesn't understand a word of it.
Treating my family as if they were her own, caring and thoughtfull

...the list goes on and on.

PS: Thanks for making me reflect on this for a minute...I've been particularly down about a pretty good fight we had last night and we didn't speak before I left for work this morning.....I think i need to go give her a call.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Wed, 06-10-2009 - 1:11pm
...excellent list!...I hope that my husband has a few of those on his list of my loving qualities...

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