It's like watching a movie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2009
It's like watching a movie
36
Thu, 02-02-2012 - 12:05am
We're watching several of our friends go through the break-up of their marriages. It seems every time someone calls lately, it's to say they're separating. It's been unsettling, to say the least. The latest involved very close friends. The news hit DH like a slap in the face. He was surprised that what he thought of as the perfect couple was splitting up and he began to speculate why. Now I happen to know that the wife in this couple was extremely unhappy she was always expected to adapt to the needs of her husband's job (his travel, his socializing, moving to his next promotion). I told DH that their problems are not our problems and he didn't need to worry about that. I told him he needed to worry about the sex. Now if I hadn't been shaken up myself, I probably would have chosen other words. But I think for the first time he realized that he could end up alone if he didn't agree to get help and for the first time in our long marriage he said he wanted to talk to someone about his sexual issues. If I had been smart, I would have picked up the phone then and there. But instead I just sat there. I felt as if I were watching something unfold on the big screen and not in my bedroom. He had never made such an offer before and I was caught off guard. I'm going to make that appointment tomorrow and if he resists going, I'll go myself. Of course, if we get another phone call, I may have to race him to the counsellor.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Thu, 02-02-2012 - 9:20am
If the door has been opened, RUN THROUGH IT!! Drag him through if you can, but if not, don't be afraid to go through. Counseling and therapy has taught me more than I care to admit. I could probably use more, but the money and time investment for me alone right now doesn't have enough benefit to motivate me to go (especially since there are no sex therapists for over 60 miles. I feel like I've done enough "regular" counseling for now.) Go, go go! And if you don't feel like it is benefitting you, try a different therapist. You might find that the changes in you are enough to drive him to go as well, but even if you don't you will wind up with better ways to cope with your collective issues. After all, the only person you can truly change in any practical, realistic way is YOU. Why not get some tools to make it happen?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Thu, 02-02-2012 - 9:48am

There was a discussion on the radio the other day about how happy divorced people were toxic to married people, whether they were happy or not in their marriage. Must be a "grass is greener" kind of thing.

Anyway, yes, make that appointment immediately, and if he balks, remind him he is the one that said it was time to go - take advantage to make things better

Good luck!!!!

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Thu, 02-02-2012 - 11:07am
I agree with miranda and deedle. Strike while the iron is hot. His fear of loss is the only thing that has any hope of motivating him to change. Much better when the fear is triggered by someone else, not you. This is your chance. Make the call today.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Thu, 02-02-2012 - 12:39pm

Yes, go for it!

The influence of divorced people we know hasn't been toxic for us - it's been fantastic.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Thu, 02-02-2012 - 1:15pm

<< ...happy divorced people were toxic to married people, whether they were happy or not in their marriage. Must be a "grass is greener" kind of thing. >>

I read that study a couple of years back and it was amazing. Something to the effect of 35% more likely to file for divorce with just one close friend who was on the recovered side of their divorce.

My ex's best friend was divorced from her first marriage and a confirmed bachelorette for life. My ex

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Thu, 02-02-2012 - 2:45pm

what do you mean by negotiating friendhips before committing to marriage?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Thu, 02-02-2012 - 2:58pm

In light or the stats, discussing the limitations or restrictions on friendships with "happily" divorced friends for to simply dismiss our own human nature which is no different than those in the study is IMHO

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2009
Thu, 02-02-2012 - 9:44pm

Thanks, everyone. Now I just have to make the call. We might even be able to get in to see someone tomorrow. Crap, I'm nervous!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Thu, 02-02-2012 - 9:47pm
Don't be nervous, we are here for you and go for it!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2009
Fri, 02-03-2012 - 8:15pm


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