It's like watching a movie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2009
It's like watching a movie
36
Thu, 02-02-2012 - 12:05am
We're watching several of our friends go through the break-up of their marriages. It seems every time someone calls lately, it's to say they're separating. It's been unsettling, to say the least. The latest involved very close friends. The news hit DH like a slap in the face. He was surprised that what he thought of as the perfect couple was splitting up and he began to speculate why. Now I happen to know that the wife in this couple was extremely unhappy she was always expected to adapt to the needs of her husband's job (his travel, his socializing, moving to his next promotion). I told DH that their problems are not our problems and he didn't need to worry about that. I told him he needed to worry about the sex. Now if I hadn't been shaken up myself, I probably would have chosen other words. But I think for the first time he realized that he could end up alone if he didn't agree to get help and for the first time in our long marriage he said he wanted to talk to someone about his sexual issues. If I had been smart, I would have picked up the phone then and there. But instead I just sat there. I felt as if I were watching something unfold on the big screen and not in my bedroom. He had never made such an offer before and I was caught off guard. I'm going to make that appointment tomorrow and if he resists going, I'll go myself. Of course, if we get another phone call, I may have to race him to the counsellor.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Mon, 02-06-2012 - 9:40am
HBunny, It's not a bad thing that you have empathy for him, or even that you have more empathy for him. This, imo actually strenthens your position and your chances of a good outcome. Here's the thing about therapy, you don't always get the solution out of it that you think you will going in. That's okay, what you SHOULD come out with is a renewed outlook and more skills for navigating your situation. Basically more control and power over what YOU can do, less frustration and resentment about stuff you can't control. At least that's been my experience with therapy. Others might have a different take....But bottom line is be open to the possibilities presented, and remain true and honest in the process, you might get some surprises along the way!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Mon, 02-06-2012 - 11:54am

I didn't want more empathy. I wanted more sex

I suspect the two are linked as M says.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Mon, 02-06-2012 - 12:08pm
<>

That's great -- empathy can only help the outcome.

One thing that has me nervous about your upcoming counselling is that (correct me if I'm wrong) the goal is to work on his sexual issues, which seems presumptive and a little unbalanced to me. Maybe he has no sexual issues, except in relation to you. IOW, the fact that he doesn't get that much out of sex doesn't automatically mean he has "issues."

JMHO Freelance
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Mon, 02-06-2012 - 12:13pm
>>goal is to work on his sexual issues, which seems presumptive and a little unbalanced to me. Maybe he has no sexual issues, except in relation to you. IOW, the fact that he doesn't get that much out of sex doesn't automatically mean he has "issues." << Good catch, FLM. The goal of working on the sexual problem in the relationship, would be better. Get on the same team, view the relationship as the entity it is.
Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Mon, 02-06-2012 - 12:35pm
Comes back to the point mol often makes. If you truly are "incompatible" (most the LL can stand is less than the HL needs), then finding this out for sure and agreeing to separate is a GOOD result. It saves both of you wasting more time in an unfulfilling relationship.

It is only bad to discover the "truth" if you nevertheless are going to remain together and keep fighting over the issue.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Mon, 02-06-2012 - 2:20pm
Well said, nothing is worth a lifetime of fighting and misery.
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Registered: 10-31-2009
Mon, 02-06-2012 - 9:11pm


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Registered: 10-31-2009
Mon, 02-06-2012 - 9:19pm


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Tue, 02-07-2012 - 8:45am

Thinking about this some, hopefully I can express this properly!

First situation relates to who we are as people, the identity kind of thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Tue, 02-07-2012 - 9:33am
I hear you Mol, and there is a LOT in the way of poisonous attitudes and messages out there, but I think what Crisp was recounting was her real and actual perception of what sex is all about for HER. She may not have framed it that way, but I thought it was a pretty compelling and accurate representation of the LL point of view. Which is not to say that you are wrong for enjoying the "nudging of flesh" and "thrashing about" etc, but simply if one isn't sexually wired or compelled, that winds up being all it is. And no wonder someone who is wired that way doesn't really "get it" or want to do it. When I'm having sex I'm just there getting sweaty and slimy and tired and winded, possibly sore and wondering when it will finally be over and I can move on to what else I have to do. When that's what it is like, it's difficult to be GGG. It is WORK, and hard, somewhat unpleasant work at that. I know it is work I have to do if I want to keep my relationship intact, but there's definitely a part of me (hell most of me) that hopes that someday that onus will be lifted from my shoulders and will no longer be needed. Or that I will suddenly start enjoying it again (hell anything's possible, right?...okay, okay, a girl has to have a dream!)