It's like watching a movie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2009
It's like watching a movie
36
Thu, 02-02-2012 - 12:05am
We're watching several of our friends go through the break-up of their marriages. It seems every time someone calls lately, it's to say they're separating. It's been unsettling, to say the least. The latest involved very close friends. The news hit DH like a slap in the face. He was surprised that what he thought of as the perfect couple was splitting up and he began to speculate why. Now I happen to know that the wife in this couple was extremely unhappy she was always expected to adapt to the needs of her husband's job (his travel, his socializing, moving to his next promotion). I told DH that their problems are not our problems and he didn't need to worry about that. I told him he needed to worry about the sex. Now if I hadn't been shaken up myself, I probably would have chosen other words. But I think for the first time he realized that he could end up alone if he didn't agree to get help and for the first time in our long marriage he said he wanted to talk to someone about his sexual issues. If I had been smart, I would have picked up the phone then and there. But instead I just sat there. I felt as if I were watching something unfold on the big screen and not in my bedroom. He had never made such an offer before and I was caught off guard. I'm going to make that appointment tomorrow and if he resists going, I'll go myself. Of course, if we get another phone call, I may have to race him to the counsellor.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2009
Sat, 03-10-2012 - 9:23am
Hi, TG!

I've always related to your posts too. I think our situations (HL woman/LL man) are not as uncommon as we're led to believe and I think some of the experiences are rather universal.

So, yes, we have been to counselling. I'm not thrilled with the therapist. She talks too much. But I'm using her as a facilitator of discussions that DH and I have after we're out of her office. It's paid for through work or I'd have jumped ship halfway through our first session.

I posted on the sharing support (I suppose it's called something else now) board. DH has low testosterone and is starting treatments. We'll see where it gets us.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2009
Wed, 03-07-2012 - 7:35pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Sun, 03-04-2012 - 1:46pm
mirandarr8 wrote:
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Tue, 02-21-2012 - 12:15pm

Good for you! Keep the appointment, and take care of yourself

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2009
Thu, 02-16-2012 - 8:16pm

So after a few weeks of being stalked by a counsellor because I wouldn't return her calls or set an appointment, I've finally taken the plunge. I realized I had to because I've been cycling wildly through anger, resentment, compassion and denial. I'm terrified about what the outcome is going to be but I've been a wreck for weeks.

The appointment is next week.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Tue, 02-07-2012 - 11:41am

Well, you have the jaccuzi for dreaming do you not?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Tue, 02-07-2012 - 9:33am
I hear you Mol, and there is a LOT in the way of poisonous attitudes and messages out there, but I think what Crisp was recounting was her real and actual perception of what sex is all about for HER. She may not have framed it that way, but I thought it was a pretty compelling and accurate representation of the LL point of view. Which is not to say that you are wrong for enjoying the "nudging of flesh" and "thrashing about" etc, but simply if one isn't sexually wired or compelled, that winds up being all it is. And no wonder someone who is wired that way doesn't really "get it" or want to do it. When I'm having sex I'm just there getting sweaty and slimy and tired and winded, possibly sore and wondering when it will finally be over and I can move on to what else I have to do. When that's what it is like, it's difficult to be GGG. It is WORK, and hard, somewhat unpleasant work at that. I know it is work I have to do if I want to keep my relationship intact, but there's definitely a part of me (hell most of me) that hopes that someday that onus will be lifted from my shoulders and will no longer be needed. Or that I will suddenly start enjoying it again (hell anything's possible, right?...okay, okay, a girl has to have a dream!)
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Tue, 02-07-2012 - 8:45am

Thinking about this some, hopefully I can express this properly!

First situation relates to who we are as people, the identity kind of thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2009
Mon, 02-06-2012 - 9:19pm


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2009
Mon, 02-06-2012 - 9:11pm


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