Just need to have a vent..

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2011
Just need to have a vent..
12
Sun, 09-04-2011 - 7:45am
I'm 22, so is my boyfriend and we've been together around 9 months. In the first couple of months we had sex a couple times a week, then it dropped to once a week, now its dropped to once every two weeks. I have a high sex drive - I would quite happily have sex almost every night, and even if i'm tired I can muster up the energy. We live together with my mum and sister.
It's starting to really get me down that my boyfriend just never seems to be in the mood. He gets really irate if I try to talk to him about it, and he insists that he still wants me just as much, and finds me just as attractive. He says things just get in the way - for instance, he says he's tired all the time, or he's not feeling very attractive, or he has to get up early in the morning. Lately it's been that he's been having nosebleeds, so that rules out sex completely that day.
I do try so hard to understand that he just doesn't seem to want to do it as much as me, and I try not to hassle him but i'm feeling so frustrated. Sex always helps to make me feel attractive and wanted, it's a sense of reassurance I suppose, and I love the connection we have when d do. It's always amazing. So when I get turned down every time I try to initiate, and the gap between each time is getting bigger my self esteem is getting really, really dented. It's making it hard for me to be affectionate during the day, and i'm starting to feel a bit spiteful. The thought of 'next time he wants to i'm just going to say no, see how he feels' has started to pop up in my head. And I know that's immature but I can't help that thought popping up sometimes.
Then, when he is in the mood sometimes it makes me feel really cheap that I'm just so willing every time. I just don't know what to do. I want to just be able to accept it, and see sex as 'not the most important part of a relationship' - as he says. I know it's not the most important part, but it it is still important to me. I worry it's just going to get progressively worse...
I don't know if anyone can give any advice, but I just needed to get this all off my chest.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Sun, 09-04-2011 - 10:19am

At 9 months, the relationship should still be fresh and exciting. If 2 times a week was the maximum sexual frequency and already the frequency is down to zero, this indicates trouble, IMO--especially if you are HL. 22 year old guys also usually are much more enthusiastic for it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2007
Sun, 09-04-2011 - 1:11pm

Whats holding you back from breaking up with him except that your relationship is great otherwise?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2011
Sun, 09-04-2011 - 2:14pm
See I worry about making a reply to this, because i'm going on the guess that whatever I say, the reply will be somewhere along the lines of you're still young, you don't know what love is etc. But, none the less, I have had long term relationships in the past, and short term. I've had my fair share of sexual partners. And to be honest, in the past i've been a bit flaky. No one has ever captivated and held my attention so fully, ever. I love him wholly and even though sometimes he is one of the most infuriating people I have ever met, it would tear me apart to not have him in my life. This is why I wasn't sure if there was any advice apart from 'learn to live with it' !
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Sun, 09-04-2011 - 8:22pm
wingading89 wrote:
....
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Sun, 09-04-2011 - 10:00pm
So keep him in your life...but just not as sexual partner.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Sun, 09-04-2011 - 10:12pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2011
Mon, 09-05-2011 - 12:58am
I've tried to talk to him about it - probably too much actually, because last night I ended up in tears because he told me how intensely pressured i'm making him feel and how my persistant mentioning of it is taking away all the fun of it and making him want to do it even less. I can tell he feels guilty about it - it's always when he's the most defensive. He's told me he's just going through a phase at the moment, just feeling particularly low about himself - and unlike myself who uses sex as a form of reassurance, he just can't face it. He said he can't just switch on the confidence to be able to perform the way he feels he should.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Mon, 09-05-2011 - 4:01am

Arrggh.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2009
Mon, 09-05-2011 - 6:44am
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2011
Mon, 09-05-2011 - 1:18pm
One thing that I have learned is that many people dont heed the advice when given , dont learn from other peoples experiences , ultimately do what they want to BUT ask for advice anywho, lol !

You are not THAT young but you are inexperienced. Just add another 10 years from now with the same conditions , adding a bit of worse sexual conditions , what do you see ?

You have only 2 options:

1. Suck it up and learn to live without it. And, DONT let it affect the rest of your relationship.Be genuinally happy.

2. Take charge of your life and break up.

DONT try to change him because he wont.You can change only yourself and your conditions

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