LL Hubby & I'm sad, bitter, hurt

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2007
LL Hubby & I'm sad, bitter, hurt
29
Mon, 06-09-2008 - 2:14pm

I've posted here before but it's been a while now.

I'm a frequent lurker here and always hope for that "miracle" answer to resolve the issue with my LL husband. I am very HL (well, I used to be anyways)

I think I've given up on this fight. Hubby is just not going to enjoy sex the way I do, right? No matter what I do, say, feel; it won't make him see how this is hurting me.

Oh sure...after a two week dry spell which is quite typical as far as our sex life goes, he starts making advances BUT now I'm the one who's not interested. I mean how long can a person go on before they just give up?

He'll just never get it. That's what I see in every discussion I have with him and it's what I see on these boards here.

No interest in sex, says he has no fantasies, doesn't care for porn, when we do have sex its the same ole boring routine that lasts all of about 10/15 minutes. BO-RING. Really I am starting to think that no sex is better than the boring sex we have. (when we do have it).

He never "flirts" with me. A few months ago, I mentioned therapy and surprisingly enough he was all for it! YIPPEE! Well last week when I asked him if he had contacted any of the names for therapists we found he said "No, because I though things were better" HELLO???? Since when? What's better? Are we talking about the same thing? Oh sure...we have a long dry spell, I bring up the subject of lack of sex, he listens, for the next few days it's all better (let me placate her here for a bit so I don't have to listen to all this nonsense), he actually touches me and acts like he likes sex, and then it slowly just goes right back to the norm which is sex a couple times a month for about 10 minutes a time.

God I don't think I even make sense anymore.

I am just so down, bitter, angry. I have given up a very integral part of myself because my husband doesnt' like sex with me.

I don't even feel like the same person. My entire personality has always been bubbly, out going, vibrant, sensual...and now I"m just a blob.

I'm only 42 and my sex life is over. I may as well become an overweight, ugly person who never showers or does her hair or makeup and speak intelligently because he sure doesn't notice the attractive (so I am told), feminine, witty person that is slowly fading away into a distant memory.

I HATE that this is happening to me. The bitter, angry woman typing this ISN'T ME! It's not fair that I am at the whim of someone else and I CAN"T BE WHO I REALLY AM with the man who means the world to me.

Do I sound miserable and angry and hurt and bitter? Damn right I am and aren't you the lucky people who get to "hear" my vent.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2007
Mon, 06-09-2008 - 2:57pm

pinkola


I am in a similiar boat as you with an LL wife of 23-years.

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Mon, 06-09-2008 - 3:19pm

>>>>> It's not fair that I am at the whim of someone else and I CAN"T BE WHO I REALLY AM with the man who means the world to me. <<<<<


You can be that person.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2007
Mon, 06-09-2008 - 8:50pm

Hold...being new to this board, I thought it only fair to catch up on some of your postings and threads in regards to your own LL issues with your wife. I am truly sorry to hear of things "coming to a head" in your relationship but must agree with many other posters: Sounds like it was time.

That being said...I don't care about ladies luncheons nor do I care about any amount of jewelery. I don't want to be me with OTHER people; I want to be ME with the man I love and really do adore. The fact that he is such a loving, caring, considerate man in EVERY other way makes his LL that much harder to accept and understand.

Are you suggesting if I buy my husband jewelery, he might want to have sex with me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2007
Mon, 06-09-2008 - 10:45pm

<<>>

Pink....

Speaking as an LL here, this sentence popped out at me. Please correct me if I'm misunderstanding you, but excepting the sex part, your husband treats you with kindness and respect and seems to enjoy being around you?

If so, then you might need to consider the fact that you are superimposing your rating system of how to love upon him and expecting his to align with yours. Instead of assuming that your husband is disinterested in sex specifically "with you," consider the probably more accurate statement that your husband just doesn't like sex as much as you do, nor does he place as much weight upon it or allow it to weigh as heavy with the meaning you place upon it. In other words, he can value you highly but you might have difficulty seeing it because his rating system is different from yours.

By the same token, he probably has much the same issue in reverse. He knows very well how much value you place upon the act of sex. He tries to speak your language but he's not very well versed in it, nor is it something he can maintain over the long haul because it's a language he simply doesn't understand. It's frustrating. So my bet is, it's not something you did or didn't do; it is just part and parcel of who he is. He can't change that any more than you can just decide one morning to stop desiring sex.

Perhaps the two of you can meet in the middle.....I've liked the idea posted on this board by someone else that suggests that the two of you agree to do things your way frequency-wise one week, then he can do things his way frequency-wise the next. That way, at least two weeks out of every month, everyone is happy. :)

 

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Tue, 06-10-2008 - 9:44am

>>>>> I don't care about ladies luncheons nor do I care about any amount of jewelery. <<<<<


Those were merely examples, not suggestions for you to do.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2007
Tue, 06-10-2008 - 3:50pm

I really do understand that a person just cannot change. I really do get that. I know DH can't become more sexual any more than I can become "non-sexual"

And I am all for compromises, meeting in the middle, etc. I have very clearly and calmly told him this. I have finally come to terms with the fact that it isn't necessarily ME...it's the way he is.

A typical aftermath of my bringing up these issues usually results in him nodding a lot, telling me he loves me, thinks I am sexy and desirable and then we make love with me feeling like he's doing it because of the discussion. Then its like he's thinking "OK I'm off the hook now for another couple of weeks so everything is good".

I do readily and openly admit that now I am at the point of where I don't know how interested I am. I mean, really...how many times do you have to set yourself up to be disapointed before you finally give it up?

We talk, he smiles, tells me he loves me, is willing to work on this issue and then....nothing. Absolutely nothing. If I didn't bring it up again, neither would he.

And when after a few weeks, he DOES initiate sex, I'm kinda like..."wait a minute....I've been begging, pleading, crying forever and NOW I should do this because he decides?"

Do I have to accept this? Why do I have to accept this? Why is it fair for him to just think he can impose this upon me and I'm supposed to be OK with it when he KNOWS I am completely unsatisfied? Even when we DO have sex, it's monotonous, boring.

I read T-Mans 10 lists about LL and it scared the hell out of me realizing how true to form my DH fit that.

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Tue, 06-10-2008 - 4:33pm

>>>>> Do I have to accept this? Why do I have to accept this? Why is it fair for him to just think he can impose this upon me and I'm supposed to be OK with it when he KNOWS I am completely unsatisfied? <<<<<


You do not have to accept the lack of sex.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Tue, 06-10-2008 - 4:53pm

I have to agree with Hold in this case.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2007
Wed, 06-11-2008 - 10:29am

<<>>


First off, let me validate some of your feelings here.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2007
Wed, 06-11-2008 - 10:39am

>>This is probably a main reason he seems to act as if everything is "okay" between your discussions.

Pages