LL a sign of closet homosexuality?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2008
LL a sign of closet homosexuality?
7
Sat, 01-03-2009 - 6:11am

Hello everyone. I've posted here before about my LL husband and the frustration and stress on our marriage due to ML. Before I was just completely confused and hurt and there didn't seem to be any way to explain what has happened to us in less than 2 years of marriage. We used to have sex at least twice a week. Then it dwindled to once and now that's pretty much the best I can hope for. We recently went three weeks without sex, the longest we had gone since we got together in 2005.


Now, recently, I've seen some things that have made me think twice about his LL. I am seeing this in a whole new way and while the conclusion I am drawing is pretty difficult to deal with, at least it might explain some of this. I believe my husband may be harboring some homosexual tendencies that are, perhaps, keeping him distant from me sexually.


I will start by saying that I do not believe my husband is gay--at least not fully. When we do have sex it is great and he seems fully interested. But I always initiate and if I don't, we don't have sex. He did have a gay relationship at a young age, and I do know about this and have. We have discussed this piece of his past and he assures me that that was a long time ago and if he wanted to be with a man, he would be. But he is with me, and I honestly do believe that

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Sat, 01-03-2009 - 7:13am

I've always believed that LL in a heterosexual relationship may (in some cases) be a symptom of homosexuality or homosexual tendencies, especially in men. (Politically incorrect, I realize, just my hunch.) In your case I'd say the evidence is strong enough for the theory to hold water. Ultimately only he can tell you either way. Your best shot at getting him to open up (if there's any opening up to do) is to broach the subject in a very loving, accepting and entirely nonjudgmental way. At the same time, don't pussyfoot around the issue. If you're dissatisfied with the amount of sex in your marriage, don't shadowbox with euphemisms like, "it's not the sex, it's the intimacy I miss." Be straight with him (in a loving way), and he may be straight with you too. Pun fully intended.

Freelance

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
Sat, 01-03-2009 - 8:09am

My personal opinion is that a heterosexual person (male or female) would not have any type of sexual contact with someone of the same sex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2008
Sat, 01-03-2009 - 12:21pm

Well. perhaps it would help to clarify things if I mentioned that I, too, have had my gayer moments. I used to make out on occasion with a very close female friend of mine. Both of us consider ourselves to be straight and we are both married. That all stopped when I got married as my husband deemed it unacceptable--a form of cheating. (Her husband didn't consider it that at all and honestly didn't seem to mind it.) I didn't mind putting an end to that, either--because ultimately I am straight. It occurs to me now that my friend's husband exhibited a pretty sterotypical straight guy response to my making out with his wife--he thought it was kind of hot. My husband, however, saw it as a threat. I think this, too, may point to something. I think it would be a threat to our relationship if he were kissing a guy on the side, and I think he must know it since he feels threatened by my kissing a girl.

I guess I thought we understood each other. I guess since I feel perfectly straight despite my past experiences with a woman, I think it perfectly reasonable to believe he is straight despite his past relationship. It didn't last very long and he never had sex with the guy, and afterwards he went right back to dating women. The truth is that I didn't even begin to suspect anything like this until well after our sex life had begun to dwindle. There could have been a million different reasons why that was happening, and honestly, he is the perfect husband in many ways. He is caring, affectionate and 100% committed to me. He loves me very much and I love him very much. I have no reason to suspect that he would ever leave me for anyone else, male or female, and there is no evidence that he has done anything other than look at a few homoerotic movies--and even then, I could still be wrong. I could very well be projecting my fears onto his other behaviors, and I know this. I probably am, and I think it's unfair to really try and use those things as evidence.

The fact of the matter is, I just want him to let me in, whatever may be going on. We used to talk about our fantasies and things, used to communicate openly and freely about sex, and I want that back. If he's got a liking for gay porn and that's keeping him from being open with me, then I'd rather be accepting and understanding of that than continue on like this. And you know what, if he's starting to realize he's truly gay through and through, that's okay, too. I'd rather help him through the coming out process than for both of us to remain forever unsatisfied, suffering like this. I want happiness and fullfillment for him just as much as I want it for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Sat, 01-03-2009 - 5:17pm

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I like your attitude -- very mature and loving!

F.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2008
Sun, 01-04-2009 - 5:48am

Well, I had a talk with my husband last night--the first time in a long time he's agreed to really have any kind of serious discussion about "us." It turned into an all night thing. First we talked about our relationship from every angle--and sex was the last angle we tackled. I still wasn't planning to reveal anything I had seen, but the way he guarded himself regarding certain types of questions I asked confirmed that my beliefs were true.

And later, after a long day of sorting out emotions, we had sex--I feel he did it to show me that I could still get him excited. As we lay in bed afterwards I told him what I had seen and my husband confirmed that it was true. I feel heartbroken, relieved and foolish all at once. It's a tough pill to swallow, but I think I've known about this under the surface for a long time. I made it clear to my husband that this makes our relationship stronger, not weaker, that anytime we learn something new about each other--even things like this--it strengthens our bond through understanding.

He made it clear that he does not consider himself gay at all, and that this is "something private," that, previously, he had kept locked away to himself and himself alone. I told him I couldn't imagine having to keep a part of myself sequestered like that, and could see how a secret of this magnitude would put a strain on the connection between the two of us. We talked about things he'd like to do in bed that he had never asked for before, and I told him not to be ashamed--that if it's something pertaining to sex, I, his wife, want to know all about it.

Of course, this isn't an easy thing to reveal to your wife, and maybe he secretly wanted me to find out on my own. I wish he had told me sooner. I wish this had come up before we got married--and I do feel that it was a little unfair to marry me without revealing his taste for the homoerotic--well, without revealing that it hadn't died out, which is the impression he had cultivated. He kept asking me if I would have still married him, had we had this talk earlier. I had to say I honestly don't know what I would have done then, but now, he's my husband, and I really do love him no matter what. I want to work through this, whatever that may entail.

Now, the implications of this for our ML? He claims that this is not the source of his LL, but he also can't give me any other reason as to why he never seems to want to initiate sex, or why he just doesn't seem that interested in it. I don't see how this couldn't have played a part, and I do think that maybe now that all of this is out in the open we can begin figuring out how our sex life can thrive again like it once did. The truth is, now that this is out, I kind of expect it to bring us back together. I feel like he was unsatisfied in the bedroom because he was afraid to tell me what kind of things he really wants in bed--so of course I wasn't doing those things. Now I feel like we need to relearn how to make love to each other. We don't know, any more, either of us, what to do to please the other.

I don't know what this means for our future, but I am glad it came out now. We are young, and if this is more than just a penchant for gay porn, he needs to figure that out sooner rather than later. I don't want to be the 40-year-old mother of three whose husband finally realizes he's gay. I can tell this is going to be a long and arduous journey, figuring out how our relationship will work now.

He expressed last night that he's deathly afraid of losing me, that he would be lost without me. I, in turn, made it clear that I have no intention of leaving him, but that a sexless marriage, or one marked only by occasional obligatory perfunctory sex, is not the kind of marriage I want. He says he's going to work with me on improving our sex life. I'm going to give him that chance. However, I know that if things don't improve and we try new things in bed and it still feels like he's not that into it, I'll have a hard time believing it's not because I simply don't have what it takes to arouse or satisfy him.

And the final note? I can't talk about this with anyone IRL. Not the gay friend, not any of my friends, actually. They're a tight-knit group and things tend to spread quickly. I understand why my husband wants this to be kept between him and me, of course. It was something he had hoped he would never have to reveal to anyone at all, not even me, and part of the reason he hadn't told me before is because he knows I'm an open book with my friends and he didn't want them or anyone else to know about this. I agreed to keep this strictly between the two of us. Of course, this leaves me at a disadvantage because talking about things with my friends is how I work through my emotions. I am so thankful for this message board. Without it, I would have gone through last night alone, unable to discuss it with anyone.

I welcome any and all comments, advice, perspectives, etc., and I need them. I'm counting on you guys to tell me what my friends would tell me if I could discuss this with them. What would you do in my shoes? Are any of you HLs out there feeling like maybe this or something like it could be the source of your partner's LL? Anyone going through anything similar? Thanks in advance for your input.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Thu, 01-08-2009 - 4:07pm

It sounds like you have broken the ice and are off into new territory. I hope it works out and kudos to you for keeping such an open mind about it.


My next door neighbor and good friend's wife left him for another woman. After a year or so when he could joke about it, he told me, "At least I didn't have to beat myself up about not being able to compete with her lover."


Best wishes in your upcoming journey.


Glenn


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2008
Mon, 01-12-2009 - 12:20am

I think you should take his words with caution. This still may very well be the cause of the ML. The real reason, contrary to his words, might be that he is gay and just hasn't been able to deal with it. Some men don't want to be gay and they think that means they're not. He is obviously at the very least bisexual and if that is the case where does his interest lay? He might be tilting very heavily towards men?


He has said he is afraid of losing you, so may very well say and do things to prevent that from happening (which it sounds like he had done before you got married). He obviously loves you very much.