Mixed signals continued

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2011
Mixed signals continued
55
Mon, 10-29-2012 - 12:09pm

So I have been backing off, not bugging for sex, and waiting for my wife to give me a hint to avoid any confusion at all so I don't frustrate myself.  So a last week she told me that "I have been slacking lately."  I asked her what she meant, having a feeling I knew what she meant, but then again, don't want to assume to much, been burned before.  It was in regards to sex, "It's been a while!"  So we had sex, and it wasn't good, because yes it had been a while, and it was pretty much over for me right after it started.  You think she would understand that when we were having sex pretty regulary, during the 50 Shades of Gray period, I was lasting a lot longer, but for some reason this logic eludes her.

So now again I havent said anything in regards to sex.  This past weekend we went out to diner with family and she ordered a dessert, said she wanted to share it with me.  When it came to the table she looked at me and quietly said "I would like you to eat my pie!".  I could not even get excited or turned on, because in the past when I made comments like this she would act like I was disgusting for even saying anything like that.  We go to bed that night and I try to initiate, and you guessed it, I got turned down, she was too tired.

So now yesterday she makes a remark about sitting on my lap to keep me warm for one of my son's sports events, forgot my extra jacket and I decided OK maybe she is being more open / playful after the 50 Shades of Gray period.  I said "How about you sit on my face!", well I didn't get the reaction I was looking for. (laughter or her to say something about later tonight).  I got "You are disgusting, why would you say such a thing?!"  So I said to her "You send so many mixed signals."  She asked what I meant, and I explained about her "eat my pie" comment just the previous night!  What she explained next my jaw almost hit the floor.

Well, I know you don't mind / you like comments like that, so that is why I do it.  I just don't like comments like that said to me.  So if you feel this is sending you mixed signals I will not longer make comments to you like that anymore, so now I get punished on top if it.

I feel everything is a one way street with us in regards to sex.  I cannot say anything, I'm disgusting, I cannot initiate without getting turned down almost every time, I have no say in the frequency of sex, only more frequent when she wants it to be.

I get blamed for not coming to bed early enough, again my fault.  Then when I do come to bed early and try to initate, not now she's watching TV, reading, or now I'm too tired / don't feel like it.

And she wonders why I don't want to come to bed with her and fall asleep on the couch after drinking myself to sleep?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Thu, 11-15-2012 - 1:39pm
71Bri, if there were times you didn't feel like having sex with her, but you did it anyway, that's on you not on her! And you are making the fatal mistake of expecting her to be like you. If you had turned her down there is a very VERY good chance she would not have felt the same way about it you do. Stop projecting what YOU think and how YOU feel onto her. She's not like you. I'd venture to say you married her BECAUSE she wasn't like you in every way. If you keep thinking she'll react and respond like a HL, you are going to keep on being disappointed. And she'll also smell the fact that she's never going to live up to your expectations, which will give her negative motivation to try.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2011
Thu, 11-15-2012 - 2:38pm
"71Bri, if there were times you didn't feel like having sex with her, but you did it anyway, that's on you not on her!" I agree with you, never said it was on her. Just showing that just because I had a hard day and I'm exhausted I could still have sex. When you get the I'm tired excuse, time after time after time, it gets a bit old. I'm not expecting her to be like me, but the one thing I'm noticing about some LL's, you expect HLs to be more like you. LLs have the control, and it's the game by your rules. Don't bug her about sex, so I don't. Don't talk to her about sex, ask any questions, so I don't. And then get posts like these? I understand you are trying to help and I try not to take them too personal. It's like getting accused of something I'm not even doing. I don't understand why every time I go to initiate I'm told not now, and I have been respecting that, but when she is ready to go I'm just supposed to drop everything. Here is what I mean. Earlier this week, was out running one of our kids to activities, so right after work 4PM got things together, get the kid to / from the activity and got home after 8 PM, still has a lot of crap to get done. Later probably 10 PMish decided to watch TV, didn't go to bed, next day I get "When did you come to bed last night?" "Well I guess watching TV was more important then coming to bed with me." (Even though I had no indication that she wanted me to come to bed, and no I do not make this crap up.) Which is the kick in the teeth to mean "You could of had sex, but you blew it because you did not come to bed at the right moment" At this point I'm used to this happening, so it no longer bothers me as much as it used to. So now the rest of the week, I have tried to initiate in some way shape or form, but not push or get angry if I get told no, and guess what happened. "I'm watching TV now (now since she wants to watch TV, sex can get put on hold, not even happen),", I'm too tired.". She even came to bed topless one night and when I put my hand on her breast, she said "Don't start something you are not going to finish." Then when she realized that my intention was to finish, she told me that I should just go to sleep, because "You must be exhausted" (again make it my fault somehow), and then it turned into "She was tired too now." I can respect the LL. It's really frustrating when sex is just on her time table or just when she is really in the mood and these mixed signals. "Stop projecting what YOU think and how YOU feel onto her." I didn't think I was doing this, maybe a few years back I was.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2011
Thu, 11-15-2012 - 2:49pm
Pandy Thanks for the advice Pandy, Just impossible to do, (kids). Glenn "I don't see how asking the question I posed is to any individual's benefit." I didn't either, that is the problem with HLs we really don't see it that way, but some LLs may interpret it that way which just digs us a deeper hole.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Thu, 11-15-2012 - 3:33pm

71bri, you are getting a lot of reasonable advice but the fact remains that you can't be reasonable with an unreasonable person.  The games she plays and the rampant hypocrisy she practices are not amenable to any of these tactics.  I don't know that anything could work in your situation short of the "nuclear" option of threatening divorce (and intending to follow through if necessary).  But that's hardly an option, is it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2005
Thu, 11-15-2012 - 3:45pm
I think an HL considers sex as part of existence, like breathing - it is ongoing and dynamic. For a LL, it is more of a task (many here have used the word "chore"). As such, for an LL to say "not now" is equivalent to saying "I'll do it later", and to them that is a perfectly acceptable answer - just as taking out the garbage later is to me - as long as it is out by the time the truck comes in the morning, who cares what time it hits the curb. So likewise, as long as sex happens before the relationship implodes, everything is OK in the LL's mind. This is a constant in our house. I have no idea how many times DW has said "not now, I have to get some stuff done, how about tomorrow", which then morphs into a 3-or-more-day wait due to things cropping up here and there (as an aside, "getting stuff done" has become a phrase which makes me seethe). HL's see ourselves on the bottom of the priority pile when this happens. To LL's, however, they just see it as something that will eventually get done. The corollary to this is that the hundreds of rejections aren't rejections at all, they are just reschedules - and conveniently ignore the HL mindset that each one of those reschedules was a missed opportunity that will never happen again. To an LL, when it is finally done, it makes up for every rejection since the last time you had sex. I wonder if some of the LL's would care to comment on this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Thu, 11-15-2012 - 4:14pm
Sounds about right to me Secondfiddle, with the added note that for LLs the act is not inherently pleasant, and actually may be UNpleasant, so the tendency to procrastinate is greatly enhanced. I used to resign myself to the "might as well do it now, rather than have him wake me up at 3 am for it" but it was very difficult to maintain for me. I just didn't WANT to do it, and as such, I didn't 'get around to it' every night as he wants. And then there is always the fact that no matter what I did it was never "enough" by his standards, so the whole losing proposition comes into play.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Thu, 11-15-2012 - 4:16pm
71Bri, do you want to be right and sit around licking your wounds and crying about how it's just not FAIR!! Or do you want to change the only thing about the situation you can change? That's right, the only thing you can change is YOU! So stop working and crying over failing at getting the results you seek. You need to change your mindset and then you will be able to seek results you can actually attain.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Thu, 11-15-2012 - 5:57pm
Secondfiddlecj -- I think your post is bang-on. F.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2011
Thu, 11-15-2012 - 7:01pm

Mirandarr8,

"And then there is always the fact that no matter what I did it was never "enough" by his standards, so the whole losing proposition comes into play."

I got a question on this.  What would you think / do / think you would do, if your husband, over time would do less and less of the things that had bothered you.  Wouldn't initate / pressure for sex, try and wake you up at 3 am for sex, would just kind of let it up to you.  Would that quote above, lessen, ever go away, if you noticed he was really trying to change?

Secondfiddle,

That was a good post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Fri, 11-16-2012 - 7:56am

Sigh.

Why is it so difficult for you to understand a simple fact that you think and feel and respond the way you do because you are highly sexed, you are built in such a way that you want to have a lot of sex, passionate sex, very often, tired or not, overwhelmed with life or not - because YOU ARE HL? Your wife is not. She is completely differnent to you. She doesn't have the need, or the urge. It is not her fault and there's nothing she can do about it. You think she doesn't 'sense' the tension and the pressure in the air emanating from you in waves?? 'will she? won't she? shall I? shan't I? what do you like? what do you want me to do?'  Ugh. Ugh.

(yes, my delivery  is harsh - such is life, sorry).