Mixed signals continued

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2011
Mixed signals continued
55
Mon, 10-29-2012 - 12:09pm

So I have been backing off, not bugging for sex, and waiting for my wife to give me a hint to avoid any confusion at all so I don't frustrate myself.  So a last week she told me that "I have been slacking lately."  I asked her what she meant, having a feeling I knew what she meant, but then again, don't want to assume to much, been burned before.  It was in regards to sex, "It's been a while!"  So we had sex, and it wasn't good, because yes it had been a while, and it was pretty much over for me right after it started.  You think she would understand that when we were having sex pretty regulary, during the 50 Shades of Gray period, I was lasting a lot longer, but for some reason this logic eludes her.

So now again I havent said anything in regards to sex.  This past weekend we went out to diner with family and she ordered a dessert, said she wanted to share it with me.  When it came to the table she looked at me and quietly said "I would like you to eat my pie!".  I could not even get excited or turned on, because in the past when I made comments like this she would act like I was disgusting for even saying anything like that.  We go to bed that night and I try to initiate, and you guessed it, I got turned down, she was too tired.

So now yesterday she makes a remark about sitting on my lap to keep me warm for one of my son's sports events, forgot my extra jacket and I decided OK maybe she is being more open / playful after the 50 Shades of Gray period.  I said "How about you sit on my face!", well I didn't get the reaction I was looking for. (laughter or her to say something about later tonight).  I got "You are disgusting, why would you say such a thing?!"  So I said to her "You send so many mixed signals."  She asked what I meant, and I explained about her "eat my pie" comment just the previous night!  What she explained next my jaw almost hit the floor.

Well, I know you don't mind / you like comments like that, so that is why I do it.  I just don't like comments like that said to me.  So if you feel this is sending you mixed signals I will not longer make comments to you like that anymore, so now I get punished on top if it.

I feel everything is a one way street with us in regards to sex.  I cannot say anything, I'm disgusting, I cannot initiate without getting turned down almost every time, I have no say in the frequency of sex, only more frequent when she wants it to be.

I get blamed for not coming to bed early enough, again my fault.  Then when I do come to bed early and try to initate, not now she's watching TV, reading, or now I'm too tired / don't feel like it.

And she wonders why I don't want to come to bed with her and fall asleep on the couch after drinking myself to sleep?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 10-29-2012 - 12:41pm

This sounds extremely unsatisfying in more ways than one.  Have you tried marriage counseling cause I think she needs a 3rd party's opinion to see what is going on here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2011
Mon, 10-29-2012 - 1:55pm
Marriage counseling, not as of yet, I have a feeling its going to have to come to that. Came on here to vent again, it helps. I just feel so out of place sexually, she makes me feel disgusting, undesirable, perverted. More and more I'm thinking is not just ML. Her parents have a really screwed up relationship and I'm starting to see it come out in her. Just tired of do as I say, not as I do.
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 10-29-2012 - 3:30pm

  Sex therapy might be of help but getting out of this relationship is the best.  You waste too much time feeling unwanted.  She has the realtionship she wants. You get the crumbs.

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Tue, 10-30-2012 - 10:37am

Just tired of do as I say, not as I do.

That has been a problem in my RL, and I don't put up with it.  One of my RL deal breakers is lack of fairness so when I see that happening, I don't let it go unchallenged.  You have a very unbalanced RL tilted completely in her favor.  It's time to reclaim your power!

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Tue, 10-30-2012 - 11:13am
Sorry to hear how things are going. DOn't be stupid like me. Get out now.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Tue, 10-30-2012 - 11:53am
Hold...you are NOT a stupid person. You are a GOOD person caught in a lousy situation. You are making the best you can of it. And also, glad to see you are not buried under the horrible storm. I was thinking of you last night, wondering if you were okay...
Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Tue, 10-30-2012 - 1:37pm

Thanks for the concern Miranda. As far as the hurricane goes, we were incredibly fortunate. But as for ML, I am no longer a good person. Gave that up years ago when I chose to follow the dark side. I am not making the best of it. Far from it. I work hard to ensure that it does not get better. I was a good person back when I was merely ignorant. Now that I know, and I do what I do despite knowing, I bear the blame for where we are. I should have left. It would have been the merciful thing to do. For both of us. But I stayed. Because I enjoy being a martyr. And I have not allowed to cost to myself or my kids or Mrs. Hold to deter me. No not good. Bad. Very bad.

Bri, please get out before you become bitter and cynical and vengeful like me.  Don't allow this situation to cripple you as it has me.  You do NOT want to end up where I am.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Tue, 11-06-2012 - 9:23am
TG, I am with you. I am not a prude, but I would not have had a favorable reaction to "how about you sit on my face" at a public event. Actually that is not an activity or a position I enjoy and being offered that in such a crude way wouldn't get my DH anywhere. However I would not have called him "disgusting" I'd have just rolled my eyes and said "nevermind." I know how he is after all these years (crude and horny and totally without an internal filter) so I can't really be surprised or disgusted by him any more. As to the situation with her making comments because she knows he enjoys it, I can see that too, but I would not engage in it. I always try to model the behavior I want to see, so I wouldn't be "stooping to that level" any time soon.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Tue, 11-06-2012 - 1:37pm
Bri, I see part of your problem. It isn't going to help much, but I can tell you from my experience that I don't disclose what I like and what I don't like because of two things intertwined together. 1. I don't always like what I like. I know, it's just plain old crazy, which is why I don't try to explain to my DH. Sometimes something feels really great, and then the next time it will be painful, or a turn off, or irritating or in-effective or whatever. Don't ask me why. I blame hormones. 2. If I tell him something I like it almost always comes back to bite me in butt. Either he does it too much, or expects it to work like a switch (flick, turned on, done!) or he does it and gets irritated that it doesn't work because of #1, which equals pressure to perform for me. If your wife is like me, believe me, it's degrading on this end too. Why doesn't ANYTHING work reliably?? Why does everything turn into a pressure fest? Why is my sexuality so damn complicated and elusive? We'll never know the answer. And it's damn depressing
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2011
Tue, 11-06-2012 - 2:09pm
Marandarr8, Thanks, I mostly understand what you are saying. When she tells me she likes something I don't try to keep doing it. 1. I know it will get boring for her, and it will probably turn into something she does not like anymore. 2. Try to mix it up a little so it's not the same routine each time, kind of like my first point. I don't mind if she changes her mind, but then communicate that to me. It's like she just expects me to know what she is or is not in the mood for. When I tell her what I would like, being subtle, most of the time get rejected, ignored, or "Well that ain't going to happen." I just feel like she can be her, but I can't be me, and it's damn depressing.

Pages