Mixed signals continued

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2011
Mixed signals continued
55
Mon, 10-29-2012 - 12:09pm

So I have been backing off, not bugging for sex, and waiting for my wife to give me a hint to avoid any confusion at all so I don't frustrate myself.  So a last week she told me that "I have been slacking lately."  I asked her what she meant, having a feeling I knew what she meant, but then again, don't want to assume to much, been burned before.  It was in regards to sex, "It's been a while!"  So we had sex, and it wasn't good, because yes it had been a while, and it was pretty much over for me right after it started.  You think she would understand that when we were having sex pretty regulary, during the 50 Shades of Gray period, I was lasting a lot longer, but for some reason this logic eludes her.

So now again I havent said anything in regards to sex.  This past weekend we went out to diner with family and she ordered a dessert, said she wanted to share it with me.  When it came to the table she looked at me and quietly said "I would like you to eat my pie!".  I could not even get excited or turned on, because in the past when I made comments like this she would act like I was disgusting for even saying anything like that.  We go to bed that night and I try to initiate, and you guessed it, I got turned down, she was too tired.

So now yesterday she makes a remark about sitting on my lap to keep me warm for one of my son's sports events, forgot my extra jacket and I decided OK maybe she is being more open / playful after the 50 Shades of Gray period.  I said "How about you sit on my face!", well I didn't get the reaction I was looking for. (laughter or her to say something about later tonight).  I got "You are disgusting, why would you say such a thing?!"  So I said to her "You send so many mixed signals."  She asked what I meant, and I explained about her "eat my pie" comment just the previous night!  What she explained next my jaw almost hit the floor.

Well, I know you don't mind / you like comments like that, so that is why I do it.  I just don't like comments like that said to me.  So if you feel this is sending you mixed signals I will not longer make comments to you like that anymore, so now I get punished on top if it.

I feel everything is a one way street with us in regards to sex.  I cannot say anything, I'm disgusting, I cannot initiate without getting turned down almost every time, I have no say in the frequency of sex, only more frequent when she wants it to be.

I get blamed for not coming to bed early enough, again my fault.  Then when I do come to bed early and try to initate, not now she's watching TV, reading, or now I'm too tired / don't feel like it.

And she wonders why I don't want to come to bed with her and fall asleep on the couch after drinking myself to sleep?

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Wed, 11-07-2012 - 3:57pm

>>>>> I just feel like she can be her, but I can't be me, and it's damn depressing. <<<<<

Yes, it is depressing.  And may never change.  Which is also depressing.

But remember what Miranda says. You may think your wife is free to be herself, because you are prepared to accept whatever she brings you, as long as she brings it to you. But inside her own head, she does not feel free to share with you. Because she fears it will not be "enough". Or that it will be used against her. Or that you will complain when it changes "too often". If you were truly OK with her sharing her true sexuality. No matter how rare or changeable it is. Then she would probably feel safer sharing it with you. But it is precisely because her true sexuality likely is not "enough" or consistent enough for you that you have ML in the first place.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Thu, 11-08-2012 - 1:20am
Exactly Hold, this is my experience exactly. Especially since I was inexperienced with my hubby before I met him. Everything I experience was with him, I had to build that trust. If an LL does not have that trust, then you can forget them revealing things to the HL. My DH wanted more and more with every detail I learned and revealed about myself sexually to him. He was looking for the holy grail of the HL sexuality in me. And that was so off putting, I shut down everytime he probed.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2011
Thu, 11-08-2012 - 9:37am

"My DH wanted more and more with every detail I learned and revealed about myself sexually to him. He was looking for the holy grail of the HL sexuality in me. And that was so off putting, I shut down everytime he probed."

I don't keep asking or harrassing her about more details,  I'm asking for more clarification.  Which may be the same reason your DH wanted more and more detail, just to make sure that you were on the same page. 

And even if he was looking for the holy grail of the HL sexuality in you, what is wrong with that?  I can tell you from a HL side, he may not be doing it because he wants to just get laid (what I hear from the wife sometimes), he loves you and HLs express it more through sex.

I can tell you from experience, it's like getting teased, and not in a good way.  She gives me a little bit to go on, I try to figure it out on my own, because just as you said, I know if I keeps asking for more detail it is not going to help me.  Then when I'm wrong, which is 80% of the time, I'm a disgusting POS.  It's a no win situation.

I'm just supposed to know somehow?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Thu, 11-08-2012 - 10:40am
71Bri, I am going to tell you again, most likely you know as much as she does. If it was simple to figure out, she'd tell you. Fact is it isn't. And when you get it wrong she's as angry at herself as at anything else. Well, excepting for the crude parts, cause well, that just irritates. But in the bedroom she's feeling frustrated, and inadequate and confused too.
Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Thu, 11-08-2012 - 4:12pm

I don't keep asking or harrassing her about more details,  I'm asking for more clarification. 

You are fooling yourself if you think she feels a difference between "asking for clarification" and harrassing her.  Every time you ask, no matter how gently, it feels like harassment to her.  Not fair.  Just is.

Which may be the same reason your DH wanted more and more detail, just to make sure that you were on the same page. 

There is a hidden assumption behind this: that it is possible for the 2 of you to get on the "same page" sexually.  If you started from the assumption that you will never be on the same page sexually, you might find it easier to get her to share her truth with you.  On the other hand, if she feels that never getting onto the same page means that the relationship will never "work" for you, then it won't be easy to convince her that it is in her interest to admit how far apart your pages are.

And even if he was looking for the holy grail of the HL sexuality in you, what is wrong with that? 

Because maybe it doesn't exist?  Because maybe your continuing to search for it causes her to feel ugly, inadequate, and mismatched with you?  Because looking for something long after she has told you it doesn't exist displays disregard for her thoughts and feelings?

I can tell you from a HL side, he may not be doing it because he wants to just get laid (what I hear from the wife sometimes), he loves you and HLs express it more through sex.

So what?  OK, you feel emotional bonding through sex.  She doesn't.  Does that mean she is supposed to consent more often?  Simply because it provides you with so much emotional payoff?  What if consenting costs her psychologically far more than the emotional benefit you derive?  Have you considered that might be possible?

I can tell you from experience, it's like getting teased, and not in a good way.  She gives me a little bit to go on, I try to figure it out on my own, because just as you said, I know if I keeps asking for more detail it is not going to help me. 

You seem to be operating on the assumption that there is some secret hidden sexuality inside her that she is refusing to share with you.  What if it simply isn't there?  A while ago we had a long discussion of the "yellow crayon".  You keep reaching into her box of crayons and asking to borrow the yellow one.  She keeps offering you red and orange and green and blue.  And you keep saying "great, thanks, but I prefer the yellow one".  What if she doesn't have a yellow one?  Is there any point at which you will stop asking for the yellow one?  How far does she have to go to open the box and turn it upside down and spill out all the crayons before you accept the reality that there is no yellow crayon in her box?

I know you don't want to accept that, if accepting it means you feel compelled to leave her.  But your wishing for it will not make the yellow crayon magically appear in her box if it isn't already there.

Then when I'm wrong, which is 80% of the time, I'm a disgusting POS.  It's a no win situation.

This is likely the case.  Very good chance it IS a no win situation.  For both of you.  So where does that leave you?  Are you going to keep pushing and pushing her top produce a yellow crayon until she hates you?  Are you going to leave?  Or are you willing to accept you'll never be able to draw with her yellow crayon, and learn to make beautiful pictures on other shades?

Not saying that in judgement.  I have chosen to stay and to push and to rail against the heavens that my wife doesn't have a yellow crayon to offer me.  Not going to deny your right to do the same.  Simply going to suggest that if you do so, you will likely end up as miserable and resentful as I am.  Your choice.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2011
Thu, 11-08-2012 - 6:57pm
To really tell you guys the truth, I really don't know what to think anymore. It's strange, I never thought at this age I would feel this clueless in this area. I really do appreciate your posts.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2011
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 6:56pm

Everyone is giving you their opinion on what is going on with your wife but the only way you can be sure about what is going on with her is if she tells you.  You don't know if it's hormones or a personality disorder.  Sounds mostly like an issue with coomunication.  If she thought that it was okay for her to talk to you dirty but not okay for you to reciprocate she should have had that discussion with you beforehand.  I don't see anything wrong with her coming out telling you her likes and dislikes even if they change with the weather.  Most men don't like to be told they are doing something wrong in bed and if you are open to hearing it she should feel herself  to be one of the lucky ones.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2011
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 6:56pm

Everyone is giving you their opinion on what is going on with your wife but the only way you can be sure about what is going on with her is if she tells you.  You don't know if it's hormones or a personality disorder.  Sounds mostly like an issue with coomunication.  If she thought that it was okay for her to talk to you dirty but not okay for you to reciprocate she should have had that discussion with you beforehand.  I don't see anything wrong with her coming out telling you her likes and dislikes even if they change with the weather.  Most men don't like to be told they are doing something wrong in bed and if you are open to hearing it she should feel herself  to be one of the lucky ones.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2009
Sun, 11-11-2012 - 6:14am

I feel for you, Bri.  I can feel your frustration.  I, too, appreciate everyone's posts to you.  They've been enlightening to me as well.  Regarding Miranda's comment to you ("I am going to tell you again, most likely you know as much as she does. If it was simple to figure out, she'd tell you."), I agree that "most likely," your DW is as clueless as you are about what she wants.  However, I also believe that where many women are concerned, they haven't learned to speak up and say what they want.  They expect their partner to read their minds.  And I lose patience with women of a certain age that haven't matured enough to realize that nobody can read our minds, and we need to communicate our wants and needs or be disappointed.  Has your DW gone to any kind of counseling? Have you? If not, what are you both waiting for?

I must admit to being somewhat shocked that Hold came on so strong in defense of your LL wife, but I was also most impressed by how much he's learned through this board about LLs and by how much he's able to empathize with them.  I think he's given you some excellent advice.

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Mon, 11-12-2012 - 9:56am
Thanks T_G, but I would not describe my post as defending his wife. At least, that is not what I am trying to do. I am trying to throw cold water on any hope in Bri that he can obtain the result he most wants. He keeps thinking that if he only learned how to ask in the correct manner, he can elicit the response he wants. I am trying to explain why it is very likely that there is NO WAY he an get the answer he wants. So instead of searching for better ways to ask her the question "how can I make you more horny for me?" he can switch to asking himself the question "can I live with her if she never becomes horny for me?" Because I don't think she ever will be. And if that is a "hill to die on" for him, then I want him to leave her and move on sooner rather than later. But yes, it is only though this board and what I have learned about LLs that I can describe what is likely going on in her mind and why it is so unlikely that she will ever be as horny for Bri as he wishes she was.

When you see it coming, duck!