Mixed signals continued

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2011
Mixed signals continued
55
Mon, 10-29-2012 - 12:09pm

So I have been backing off, not bugging for sex, and waiting for my wife to give me a hint to avoid any confusion at all so I don't frustrate myself.  So a last week she told me that "I have been slacking lately."  I asked her what she meant, having a feeling I knew what she meant, but then again, don't want to assume to much, been burned before.  It was in regards to sex, "It's been a while!"  So we had sex, and it wasn't good, because yes it had been a while, and it was pretty much over for me right after it started.  You think she would understand that when we were having sex pretty regulary, during the 50 Shades of Gray period, I was lasting a lot longer, but for some reason this logic eludes her.

So now again I havent said anything in regards to sex.  This past weekend we went out to diner with family and she ordered a dessert, said she wanted to share it with me.  When it came to the table she looked at me and quietly said "I would like you to eat my pie!".  I could not even get excited or turned on, because in the past when I made comments like this she would act like I was disgusting for even saying anything like that.  We go to bed that night and I try to initiate, and you guessed it, I got turned down, she was too tired.

So now yesterday she makes a remark about sitting on my lap to keep me warm for one of my son's sports events, forgot my extra jacket and I decided OK maybe she is being more open / playful after the 50 Shades of Gray period.  I said "How about you sit on my face!", well I didn't get the reaction I was looking for. (laughter or her to say something about later tonight).  I got "You are disgusting, why would you say such a thing?!"  So I said to her "You send so many mixed signals."  She asked what I meant, and I explained about her "eat my pie" comment just the previous night!  What she explained next my jaw almost hit the floor.

Well, I know you don't mind / you like comments like that, so that is why I do it.  I just don't like comments like that said to me.  So if you feel this is sending you mixed signals I will not longer make comments to you like that anymore, so now I get punished on top if it.

I feel everything is a one way street with us in regards to sex.  I cannot say anything, I'm disgusting, I cannot initiate without getting turned down almost every time, I have no say in the frequency of sex, only more frequent when she wants it to be.

I get blamed for not coming to bed early enough, again my fault.  Then when I do come to bed early and try to initate, not now she's watching TV, reading, or now I'm too tired / don't feel like it.

And she wonders why I don't want to come to bed with her and fall asleep on the couch after drinking myself to sleep?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2011
Tue, 11-13-2012 - 1:30pm

Are you asking for her benefit, equal to your own?  Yes, but as this problem has progressed over the years I have been so focused on her, as XXXs put it, I'm a more of a spectator anymore.

If so, you can remind her that it is out of concern for her that you are asking. Does she not want you to take her good into consideration?

I do remind her, but It may be what everyone else is telling me, maybe she does not know what she wants, or is too afraid / ashamed to tell me, or as other LLs have said, maybe nothing is there, and now I'm asking / bugging her about something, trying to get blood out of a stone?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Tue, 11-13-2012 - 4:01pm

< If so, you can remind her that it is out of concern for her that you are asking. >

I must admit I would be irritated if I were the recipient of such a question. I would see it as manipulative. Let's be honest here, the ulterior motive of the question is to make sex more satisfying for the HL (which may involve trying to make sex more satisfying for the LL, but still...). F.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2011
Tue, 11-13-2012 - 4:58pm

Freelancemomma,

I could understand how a LL may see that as maniplative.  My wife also thinks that things I say or do have a hidden motive behind them.  I can say as a HL that sometimes it may be true, but not all the time.  As I said in numerous post, I have been so focused on her for so long that I am not enjoying sex like I used to.  Do you think this how a LL would think that a HL would be?  Nothing is more frustrating when someone accuses you of something, and that was not the intention.  This is usually what has caused the biggest fights between my wife and I.

I have learned through these boards not to do this to the LL (asking questions), causes them to feel inadequate, the HLs are not trying to do this, because the ironic thing is we are feeling the same way.  Took me a little while being on these boards to realize that.  Like I have always said, it's like a downward spiral, and once it starts it just keeps building momentum.

Don't ask, so I don't.  If she doesn't want to tell me or there is nothing there to begin with, what is left?  Guess, and see what works and what doesn't. 

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Tue, 11-13-2012 - 7:23pm
Do what you want. Get into it for yourself. Stop worrying so much about her. Stop partway through. Ask her in a lighthearted manner "anything you want to try now"? If she has no suggestion, shrug it off and say "no biggie", then do whatever you want to do next. Make it clear that you are available to satisfy her needs if she has any, but if she doesn't, that is OK too and you'll just forge ahead and do something you find fun. Make it all about having fun. Be perfectly happy if she wants to have fun. But also happy if she just wants to consent to your having fun. Either way, it is fun for you. I know, easier to say than to do.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 9:19am
Yes, Hold! YES YES YES YES, oh yes... oops, sorry, got carried away there, but still...that's the best path imo. If she comes along for the ride, great, if not, okay, cool, thanks for participating.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Thu, 11-15-2012 - 5:21am

'...maybe she does not know what she wants, or is too afraid / ashamed to tell me, or as other LLs have said, maybe nothing is there, and now I'm asking / bugging her about something, trying to get blood out of a stone?'

How about this? Maybe it's because she's essentially a LL woman who's been with one man for 15+ years. All the newness/butterflies in stomach/new r-ship energy went ages and ages ago - and her desire to have passionate sex often went with those things. You're a husband, a mate, a partner, someone she knows and (hopefully) loves but you're most definitely not the new lover she lusts after anymore. Not her fault - just how LL works. Maybe it's because she is a mother of THREE CHILDREN, her brain's consumed with being a mother, with constant neverending requirements that it entails,  and a LL woman is simply not able to make sex a priority over motherhood. Maybe it's about her being overworked and overwhelmed, having a constant neverending list of 100 things to do scrolling through her mind day in day out, and when she gets to bed the very and I mean VERY last thing on her mind are passionate kisses, foreplay, looking into eachother's eyes etc etc. She just wants sleep, rest, to switch off for a few blissful hours only to start it all over again next day. Maybe  your constant questions,  talks, expectations etc etc simply annoy the h*** out of her and require her to extend yet more energy that she doesn't have.

I don't know how to help you. Just sharing my thoughts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2005
Thu, 11-15-2012 - 10:15am

Julia you may be correct (although frankly, the presentation was a tad harsh for my liking).

I read a fascinating article (here) over the weekend that I believe is pertinent to this thread - It doesn't really kick into gear until the second paragraph, so hang in there during the intro. I think it explains a lot.

---------------------------------------------------

FREE TIBET! *

* - with the purchase of one Tibet of equal or greater value

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2012
Thu, 11-15-2012 - 12:29pm

Marriages get like this. My advice is to separate for awhile. Separations can be a good thing, you know. Gives each person a chance to be alone and to wish they could be with the other person. Third parties are often seen then as quite boring, never as interesting, not nearly, as the partner now absent.

Furthermore, you can do things you've wanted to do. If your wife is agreeable, you can go out with other people, just to see what you've alone (or you both) have been missing. If I were you, I'd take this option. Just tell her, "I need lots of space for awhile. During the separation, let's treat it like we're divorced and can date others. To tell you the truth, I want to feel wanted again, I want to feel desired by a woman, and you seem not to understand or even know about this. I want to enjoy life without having to worry constantly about someone else's feelings."

Then do it. Go out and have fun. There is a world of women. Young old middle-aged. See what you've been missing, if anything. Maybe she'll find out how bad to you she's been. Perhaps she'll never find out, and then you'll get a divorce.

I went through this with my husband, who, for a very long time, was a wonderful adventurous, totally loving man. Then we went through a season of hell that lasted six months. Finally, I couldn't stand it; we separated for 6 months. He went out with other women and I went out with whom I chose. We didn't talk about it. I missed him; we got back together, but soon his business problems were coming home again and I asked for a divorce. 

While we hadn't been for a long time, we just became incompatible. I had to face that fact.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Thu, 11-15-2012 - 12:33pm

<< Let's be honest here, the ulterior motive of the question is to make sex more satisfying for the HL (which may involve trying to make sex more satisfying for the LL, but still...). >>

In marriage, with rare exception, the partners are either mutually blessed or they mutually suffer. I don't see how asking the question I posed is to any individual's benefit.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2011
Thu, 11-15-2012 - 1:07pm

Yes I would say Julias response was a bit harsh.

Believe it or not I know I am the man she has been with for 15 + years and all the newness /butterflies, new relationship engery are gone, along with her desire to have passonate sex with me, and that is the part the hurts the most.  I can honestly say I don't have the new relationship energy all the time either, but I do love her and at times that energy does come back for me and I fall in love with her all over again.

Maybe it's because she is a mother of THREE CHILDREN, her brain's consumed with being a mother, with constant neverending requirements that it entails,  and a LL woman is simply not able to make sex a priority over motherhood. Maybe it's about her being overworked and overwhelmed, having a constant neverending list of 100 things to do scrolling through her mind day in day out, and when she gets to bed the very and I mean VERY last thing on her mind are passionate kisses, foreplay, looking into eachother's eyes etc etc. She just wants sleep, rest, to switch off for a few blissful hours only to start it all over again next day. Maybe  your constant questions,  talks, expectations etc etc simply annoy the h*** out of her and require her to extend yet more energy that she doesn't have.

This may be true, but this argument annoys the h*** out of me.  I am also a father of the THREE CHILDREN, my brain is comsumed with being a father.  I know she gets overworked and overwhelmed, but guess what?  So do I.   I'm not just done with work, come home and sit down on the couch and watch TV and expect her to do everything.  Just this past week alone I have had about 20 minutes to myself before I had to go to bed, because I was being a father and husband, talk about a constant neverending list.

But there have been times I have been exhausted and she was horny all the time she was reading 50 Shades of Gray, and even though there were times I felt like telling her, I'm too tired, I know how it is being on the other end, and I could not do it to her.  I would not wish the way I feel on anyone.

My constant questions?!  Have you read the post(s) I have submitted, including this one?

I'll say you are on point with some, even maybe a lot, but your post sounds more like a feminist attack.