Mixed signals continued

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2011
Mixed signals continued
Mon, 10-29-2012 - 12:09pm

So I have been backing off, not bugging for sex, and waiting for my wife to give me a hint to avoid any confusion at all so I don't frustrate myself.  So a last week she told me that "I have been slacking lately."  I asked her what she meant, having a feeling I knew what she meant, but then again, don't want to assume to much, been burned before.  It was in regards to sex, "It's been a while!"  So we had sex, and it wasn't good, because yes it had been a while, and it was pretty much over for me right after it started.  You think she would understand that when we were having sex pretty regulary, during the 50 Shades of Gray period, I was lasting a lot longer, but for some reason this logic eludes her.

So now again I havent said anything in regards to sex.  This past weekend we went out to diner with family and she ordered a dessert, said she wanted to share it with me.  When it came to the table she looked at me and quietly said "I would like you to eat my pie!".  I could not even get excited or turned on, because in the past when I made comments like this she would act like I was disgusting for even saying anything like that.  We go to bed that night and I try to initiate, and you guessed it, I got turned down, she was too tired.

So now yesterday she makes a remark about sitting on my lap to keep me warm for one of my son's sports events, forgot my extra jacket and I decided OK maybe she is being more open / playful after the 50 Shades of Gray period.  I said "How about you sit on my face!", well I didn't get the reaction I was looking for. (laughter or her to say something about later tonight).  I got "You are disgusting, why would you say such a thing?!"  So I said to her "You send so many mixed signals."  She asked what I meant, and I explained about her "eat my pie" comment just the previous night!  What she explained next my jaw almost hit the floor.

Well, I know you don't mind / you like comments like that, so that is why I do it.  I just don't like comments like that said to me.  So if you feel this is sending you mixed signals I will not longer make comments to you like that anymore, so now I get punished on top if it.

I feel everything is a one way street with us in regards to sex.  I cannot say anything, I'm disgusting, I cannot initiate without getting turned down almost every time, I have no say in the frequency of sex, only more frequent when she wants it to be.

I get blamed for not coming to bed early enough, again my fault.  Then when I do come to bed early and try to initate, not now she's watching TV, reading, or now I'm too tired / don't feel like it.

And she wonders why I don't want to come to bed with her and fall asleep on the couch after drinking myself to sleep?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 9:19am
Yes, Hold! YES YES YES YES, oh yes... oops, sorry, got carried away there, but still...that's the best path imo. If she comes along for the ride, great, if not, okay, cool, thanks for participating.
Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Tue, 11-13-2012 - 7:23pm
Do what you want. Get into it for yourself. Stop worrying so much about her. Stop partway through. Ask her in a lighthearted manner "anything you want to try now"? If she has no suggestion, shrug it off and say "no biggie", then do whatever you want to do next. Make it clear that you are available to satisfy her needs if she has any, but if she doesn't, that is OK too and you'll just forge ahead and do something you find fun. Make it all about having fun. Be perfectly happy if she wants to have fun. But also happy if she just wants to consent to your having fun. Either way, it is fun for you. I know, easier to say than to do.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2011
Tue, 11-13-2012 - 4:58pm


I could understand how a LL may see that as maniplative.  My wife also thinks that things I say or do have a hidden motive behind them.  I can say as a HL that sometimes it may be true, but not all the time.  As I said in numerous post, I have been so focused on her for so long that I am not enjoying sex like I used to.  Do you think this how a LL would think that a HL would be?  Nothing is more frustrating when someone accuses you of something, and that was not the intention.  This is usually what has caused the biggest fights between my wife and I.

I have learned through these boards not to do this to the LL (asking questions), causes them to feel inadequate, the HLs are not trying to do this, because the ironic thing is we are feeling the same way.  Took me a little while being on these boards to realize that.  Like I have always said, it's like a downward spiral, and once it starts it just keeps building momentum.

Don't ask, so I don't.  If she doesn't want to tell me or there is nothing there to begin with, what is left?  Guess, and see what works and what doesn't. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Tue, 11-13-2012 - 4:01pm

< If so, you can remind her that it is out of concern for her that you are asking. >

I must admit I would be irritated if I were the recipient of such a question. I would see it as manipulative. Let's be honest here, the ulterior motive of the question is to make sex more satisfying for the HL (which may involve trying to make sex more satisfying for the LL, but still...). F.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2011
Tue, 11-13-2012 - 1:30pm

Are you asking for her benefit, equal to your own?  Yes, but as this problem has progressed over the years I have been so focused on her, as XXXs put it, I'm a more of a spectator anymore.

If so, you can remind her that it is out of concern for her that you are asking. Does she not want you to take her good into consideration?

I do remind her, but It may be what everyone else is telling me, maybe she does not know what she wants, or is too afraid / ashamed to tell me, or as other LLs have said, maybe nothing is there, and now I'm asking / bugging her about something, trying to get blood out of a stone?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Tue, 11-13-2012 - 12:41pm

<< Yes I have tried asking her how she is doing, what she would like.  I either get no repsonse, or she tells me to stop asking her, even if I just ask once. >>

Are you asking for her benefit, equal to your own? If so, you can remind her that it is out of concern for her that you are asking. Does she not want you to take her good into consideration?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Tue, 11-13-2012 - 11:45am

< Is sex not amazing? >

The short answer (and also the long answer): No, sex is not amazing for all women at all times. If it were, ML wouldn't exist.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2011
Tue, 11-13-2012 - 11:40am

She sounds like a prude. Did you marry a prude? Or did she suddenly morph into one?

She seemed to morph into one around the time after our 3rd child was born, and it has gotten progressively worse since.  We have been married for 15+ years, she has always been reserved when it came to sex, but got a lot better when we were dating and the first 10 + years of marriage.

So many men complaining about lack of sex with their SO's. How does this happen?  There are quite a few men compalining about this, but it does go the other way too on these boards with women complaining about men.  There are also people who are LL and turn to HL, and HL that go to LL.

I agree with you view on sex, but if you read enough of these posts you start to see and understand the other side (LL).

"start a club of like-minded women who sit around all day and complain about all the "disgusting" men out there. That sounds like fun."  This might be part of my wife's issue too.  Historically on her side of the family the women do not have luck in regards to their SOs / men.  All are divoriced and remarried, some even mutiple times.  When we were dating, during Holidays I could hear them man bashing out in the kitchen.  My wife's mother and father also do no have a healthy relationship, and I'm wondering if this has started to rear it's ugly head.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2012
Tue, 11-13-2012 - 10:35am

She sounds like a prude. Did you marry a prude? Or did she suddenly morph into one? So many men complaining about lack of sex with their SO's. How does this happen? If you like a lot of great sex, why marry someone who won't provide that for you and enjoy it with you? I am a woman and I don't understand this - was I born with different parts or something? Is sex not frickin amazing? At what point does a woman suddenly decide sex is an obligation, a burden or a weapon? I resent her and I don't even know her, lol. This is why I've decided not to get married until I'm well into my 50's. I think the whole marriage thing might be a big conspiracy on the part of pharmacutical companies - specifically those providing anti-depressants, lmao. I mean, in all seriousness, sex is an animalistic act. Yes, it's beautiful. But beautiful like thunder, blizzards, not daisies and daffodils. "I'll only have sex with you if...you beg me for it, serenade me, wear a skirt". I thought the Victorian era had passed. And I fail to understand how emasculating your husband or BF can be good in any way. Men love sex. If you're a woman who doesn't, spare these poor guys and instead, start a club of like-minded women who sit around all day and complain about all the "disgusting" men out there. That sounds like fun.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2011
Tue, 11-13-2012 - 10:12am


Yes I have tried asking her how she is doing, what she would like.  I either get no repsonse, or she tells me to stop asking her, even if I just ask once.


Yes moods do come into play.  A person may not be interested in sex right now but half a hour later may welcome it. Agreed, and this goes in the opposite direction too.  Example being we are with company / situation where it would be impossible for us to have sex, she'll say or do something to let me know that she is horny, then 20 minutes later when the oppurtunity is there, I get "The mood has past." and the all time mood killer "I'm not buzzed / drunk anymore."  I can only image if I would ever say anything like this to her?!   IMO there is a lack of synchronicity.  Again, I agree with you 100%, I feel we are so out of sync, it's obvious.  Non verbal clues may be misread. Your attitude too can do with a tune up.  Your right, my attitude does suck, wouldn't yours?  It's hard when you keep getting rejected, and the only time you don't is because then she is horny or in the mood for sex.  Reading thru the post to me it seems that you expect to be turned down.  Yeah pretty much, I did a calculation a while back, and concluded that I get shotdown about 70 - 80% of the time It's not like I'm asking every day, twice a day either.  Maybe twice a week for a month, which I don't even do that anymore.   If that is in your non-verbal language then that can be a real problem.  Maybe, but again I don't know what to think anymore.  I back off, and the only time things get better is when she decides they will be.

There is part of the problem: Passion disconnect.  You are being spectator  rather being in the moment.  That is likely apparent to her.  Over analyzing can derail passion and it interferes with the enjoyment of the moment.  From what you wrote she did not display the behavior you desired.  

I agree with this, but it's hard to be / stay in the moment when she doesn't respond, kiss, touch, etc.  I guess maybe I should be like the other guys that I hear other women complain about, as long as they (men) get off, could care less what she wants.  This is one thing that my wife has even complimented me on in the past when one of her friends was complaining to my wife about her husband, she knows I care about her and what she wants.  

If you do not seem to be into it, how is she supposed to feel?  Could it be that she feels that she is on eggshells too?  Again I agree, but again this goes along with my previous statement, after foreplay with her for a while and it's only 1 sided, I guarrantee you are going to be less and less into it too.  Its like a death spiral on both of our parts.

What is your dream of the perfect encounter?  To come home to just her and a empty house, and slowly let one thing lead into the other, make out for a while, slowly undress each other, massage each other with oil, take a shower / bath together, etc. In the dream how do you approach her and how does she respond? Look deeply into her eyes, put my hands on her sholders, slide them up to her face, and then start kissing her, and she responds.  What would she consider to be the perfect encounter?  Don't know because she won't tell me, and I have learned from these boards LLs not to bother asking, if she doesn't want to tell me, she won't, maybe she doesn't think about it or does not even know.