Mixed signals continued

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2011
Mixed signals continued
Mon, 10-29-2012 - 12:09pm

So I have been backing off, not bugging for sex, and waiting for my wife to give me a hint to avoid any confusion at all so I don't frustrate myself.  So a last week she told me that "I have been slacking lately."  I asked her what she meant, having a feeling I knew what she meant, but then again, don't want to assume to much, been burned before.  It was in regards to sex, "It's been a while!"  So we had sex, and it wasn't good, because yes it had been a while, and it was pretty much over for me right after it started.  You think she would understand that when we were having sex pretty regulary, during the 50 Shades of Gray period, I was lasting a lot longer, but for some reason this logic eludes her.

So now again I havent said anything in regards to sex.  This past weekend we went out to diner with family and she ordered a dessert, said she wanted to share it with me.  When it came to the table she looked at me and quietly said "I would like you to eat my pie!".  I could not even get excited or turned on, because in the past when I made comments like this she would act like I was disgusting for even saying anything like that.  We go to bed that night and I try to initiate, and you guessed it, I got turned down, she was too tired.

So now yesterday she makes a remark about sitting on my lap to keep me warm for one of my son's sports events, forgot my extra jacket and I decided OK maybe she is being more open / playful after the 50 Shades of Gray period.  I said "How about you sit on my face!", well I didn't get the reaction I was looking for. (laughter or her to say something about later tonight).  I got "You are disgusting, why would you say such a thing?!"  So I said to her "You send so many mixed signals."  She asked what I meant, and I explained about her "eat my pie" comment just the previous night!  What she explained next my jaw almost hit the floor.

Well, I know you don't mind / you like comments like that, so that is why I do it.  I just don't like comments like that said to me.  So if you feel this is sending you mixed signals I will not longer make comments to you like that anymore, so now I get punished on top if it.

I feel everything is a one way street with us in regards to sex.  I cannot say anything, I'm disgusting, I cannot initiate without getting turned down almost every time, I have no say in the frequency of sex, only more frequent when she wants it to be.

I get blamed for not coming to bed early enough, again my fault.  Then when I do come to bed early and try to initate, not now she's watching TV, reading, or now I'm too tired / don't feel like it.

And she wonders why I don't want to come to bed with her and fall asleep on the couch after drinking myself to sleep?


Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Tue, 10-30-2012 - 11:13am
Sorry to hear how things are going. DOn't be stupid like me. Get out now.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Tue, 10-30-2012 - 10:37am

Just tired of do as I say, not as I do.

That has been a problem in my RL, and I don't put up with it.  One of my RL deal breakers is lack of fairness so when I see that happening, I don't let it go unchallenged.  You have a very unbalanced RL tilted completely in her favor.  It's time to reclaim your power!

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 10-29-2012 - 3:30pm

  Sex therapy might be of help but getting out of this relationship is the best.  You waste too much time feeling unwanted.  She has the realtionship she wants. You get the crumbs.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2011
Mon, 10-29-2012 - 1:55pm
Marriage counseling, not as of yet, I have a feeling its going to have to come to that. Came on here to vent again, it helps. I just feel so out of place sexually, she makes me feel disgusting, undesirable, perverted. More and more I'm thinking is not just ML. Her parents have a really screwed up relationship and I'm starting to see it come out in her. Just tired of do as I say, not as I do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 10-29-2012 - 12:41pm

This sounds extremely unsatisfying in more ways than one.  Have you tried marriage counseling cause I think she needs a 3rd party's opinion to see what is going on here.