Mixed signals continued

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2011
Mixed signals continued
55
Mon, 10-29-2012 - 12:09pm

So I have been backing off, not bugging for sex, and waiting for my wife to give me a hint to avoid any confusion at all so I don't frustrate myself.  So a last week she told me that "I have been slacking lately."  I asked her what she meant, having a feeling I knew what she meant, but then again, don't want to assume to much, been burned before.  It was in regards to sex, "It's been a while!"  So we had sex, and it wasn't good, because yes it had been a while, and it was pretty much over for me right after it started.  You think she would understand that when we were having sex pretty regulary, during the 50 Shades of Gray period, I was lasting a lot longer, but for some reason this logic eludes her.

So now again I havent said anything in regards to sex.  This past weekend we went out to diner with family and she ordered a dessert, said she wanted to share it with me.  When it came to the table she looked at me and quietly said "I would like you to eat my pie!".  I could not even get excited or turned on, because in the past when I made comments like this she would act like I was disgusting for even saying anything like that.  We go to bed that night and I try to initiate, and you guessed it, I got turned down, she was too tired.

So now yesterday she makes a remark about sitting on my lap to keep me warm for one of my son's sports events, forgot my extra jacket and I decided OK maybe she is being more open / playful after the 50 Shades of Gray period.  I said "How about you sit on my face!", well I didn't get the reaction I was looking for. (laughter or her to say something about later tonight).  I got "You are disgusting, why would you say such a thing?!"  So I said to her "You send so many mixed signals."  She asked what I meant, and I explained about her "eat my pie" comment just the previous night!  What she explained next my jaw almost hit the floor.

Well, I know you don't mind / you like comments like that, so that is why I do it.  I just don't like comments like that said to me.  So if you feel this is sending you mixed signals I will not longer make comments to you like that anymore, so now I get punished on top if it.

I feel everything is a one way street with us in regards to sex.  I cannot say anything, I'm disgusting, I cannot initiate without getting turned down almost every time, I have no say in the frequency of sex, only more frequent when she wants it to be.

I get blamed for not coming to bed early enough, again my fault.  Then when I do come to bed early and try to initate, not now she's watching TV, reading, or now I'm too tired / don't feel like it.

And she wonders why I don't want to come to bed with her and fall asleep on the couch after drinking myself to sleep?

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Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Fri, 11-16-2012 - 3:36pm
Yes, of course, and we appreciate that you consider these so intensely and honestly. Without your introspection, I would not understand LL nearly as well. The problem I see for Bri is that he cannot even imagine not caring about ML. Which means most likely he'll never sotp caring. Which means most likely his wife will never fell adequate. Which means she will never be able to relax. Which means her libid0 likely will never increase. Sad for both. Neither is wrong. It is not "better" to not care. But tough when someone who cares alot is married to someone who cannot generate "enough" for the one who cares.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Fri, 11-16-2012 - 11:33am
Oh, believe me Hold, I know that it will never come to pass. But Bri asked a "what if" so that is what I answered. I had to really think about it too, because I had never bothered to consider it, since I know that would never happen. I guess you could say I'm not much of a dreamer. I'm a realist, I know what world I live in, not much point in fantasizing about it being different.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2005
Fri, 11-16-2012 - 11:25am

Unfortunately, when we are talking about libid0, often difficult for HLs to simply ignore the extent to which their LL partner is "not enough". 

It seems to come back to that so often, doesn't it? If the area where one falls short is libid0, there is nothing the HL can do to compensate. DW and I had a discussion about this earlier in the week. Her solution is that I should just get out more with friends - go skiing, go biking etc. (stuff she won't do with me). She tells me that she has her own set of friends for music etc....and I should not be dependent on her for my fun. I am sure everyone on this board has made the mental inference if they have read this far, and I have to say the idea is now under serious consideration.

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Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Fri, 11-16-2012 - 10:20am

Miranda: If he wanted me to internalize the message that I am "good enough" and that my efforts are appreciated he would have to display behaviors and words that showed me that ....

The tragedy is that he cannot show you what you want because, as to this aspect of your behavior, you simply are not good enough.  Although you are so wonderful in other ways that on balance he wants to keep you around.  Perhaps a more mature person could "flip the switch" in their heads and realize that if they are staying, they should reframe and stop noticing the areas in which you fall short.  After all, their are certainly areas on which he falls short, and he wouldn't want you to constantly complain and pout about those areas.  Unfortunately, when we are talking about libid0, often difficult for HLs to simply ignore the extent to which their LL partner is "not enough".  Which is what makes ML so painful on both sides.  Trust me, I don't enjoy the daily reminders that I fall short financially any more than Mrs. Hold enjoys the reminders about ML.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Fri, 11-16-2012 - 9:22am
Bri, the situation has been going on for so long, it would take a lot more than him stopping behaviors that "bother" me for him to assure me that the pressure was really and truly off. If he wanted me to internalize the message that I am "good enough" and that my efforts are appreciated he would have to display behaviors and words that showed me that in addition to ceasing the problem behaviors (I'm talking about snarky comments and displays of disapproval, not initiating sex. I understand that initiating sex is a part of life and a relationship. What I cannot tolerate is acting like a spoiled two-year old when you partner respecfully declines.) The affirmative displays would have to be sincere and consistent and not over the top or becoming a parody of appreciation. And it would take a long time for me to be certain that it was a true and permanent condition and not just another attempt to "light my fire."
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Fri, 11-16-2012 - 7:56am

Sigh.

Why is it so difficult for you to understand a simple fact that you think and feel and respond the way you do because you are highly sexed, you are built in such a way that you want to have a lot of sex, passionate sex, very often, tired or not, overwhelmed with life or not - because YOU ARE HL? Your wife is not. She is completely differnent to you. She doesn't have the need, or the urge. It is not her fault and there's nothing she can do about it. You think she doesn't 'sense' the tension and the pressure in the air emanating from you in waves?? 'will she? won't she? shall I? shan't I? what do you like? what do you want me to do?'  Ugh. Ugh.

(yes, my delivery  is harsh - such is life, sorry).

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2011
Thu, 11-15-2012 - 7:01pm

Mirandarr8,

"And then there is always the fact that no matter what I did it was never "enough" by his standards, so the whole losing proposition comes into play."

I got a question on this.  What would you think / do / think you would do, if your husband, over time would do less and less of the things that had bothered you.  Wouldn't initate / pressure for sex, try and wake you up at 3 am for sex, would just kind of let it up to you.  Would that quote above, lessen, ever go away, if you noticed he was really trying to change?

Secondfiddle,

That was a good post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Thu, 11-15-2012 - 5:57pm
Secondfiddlecj -- I think your post is bang-on. F.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Thu, 11-15-2012 - 4:16pm
71Bri, do you want to be right and sit around licking your wounds and crying about how it's just not FAIR!! Or do you want to change the only thing about the situation you can change? That's right, the only thing you can change is YOU! So stop working and crying over failing at getting the results you seek. You need to change your mindset and then you will be able to seek results you can actually attain.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Thu, 11-15-2012 - 4:14pm
Sounds about right to me Secondfiddle, with the added note that for LLs the act is not inherently pleasant, and actually may be UNpleasant, so the tendency to procrastinate is greatly enhanced. I used to resign myself to the "might as well do it now, rather than have him wake me up at 3 am for it" but it was very difficult to maintain for me. I just didn't WANT to do it, and as such, I didn't 'get around to it' every night as he wants. And then there is always the fact that no matter what I did it was never "enough" by his standards, so the whole losing proposition comes into play.

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