ML & Other Pathologies

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2006
ML & Other Pathologies
10
Tue, 06-10-2008 - 12:51pm

In our case I am the HL H married to a Lower L wife.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Tue, 06-10-2008 - 8:55pm

<>

Yes, absolutely! It seems, from the many posts I've read, that this manifests many times in the ML relationships on here, particularly with the HL males. The problem, of course, is that you become an enabler by always being there to rescue her and ease her anxieties at the expense of your own.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-1998
Tue, 06-10-2008 - 10:17pm

particularly with the HL males. The problem, of course, is that you become an enabler by always being there to rescue her and ease her anxieties at the expense of your own.


Oh man I couldn't agree more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2006
Wed, 06-11-2008 - 10:27am

The problem, of course, is that you become an enabler by always being there to rescue her and ease her anxieties at the expense of your own.


Thanks for responding.


Yes, I think you've diagnosed 11 years of dysfunctionalism in my marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Wed, 06-11-2008 - 11:44am

<>

If you are unable to summon the inner strength to change yourself and stand up for yourself, then perhaps MC is the only way to go.

I have struggled with this myself. I don't like conflict but, fortunately, I also can't stand having unresolved issues. I've had to dole out many doses of tough love to my DW (and myself) to correct the imbalances in our marriage before they got too bad. It is definitely not easy to do but it has to be done for both of our sakes. A little bit of pain now averts a LOT of pain later.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Wed, 06-11-2008 - 11:54am
If you wanted to address your end of the situation, individual counseling would help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2006
Wed, 06-11-2008 - 1:24pm

This is some of the best advice I have ever gotten on here.

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Wed, 06-11-2008 - 1:26pm

Marriage counselling is not the only way.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Wed, 06-11-2008 - 1:42pm

How she will react will be largely influence by the way you broach the subject, and the dynamic that you share.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2007
Wed, 06-11-2008 - 1:51pm

>>So if I don't swoop in to rescue her and instead

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Wed, 06-11-2008 - 3:05pm

<< I have done tests of this in the past and always felt it was being manipulative since my real feelings toward her are always to love and care for her, plus want her physically (she's attractive to me).>>

I'm not saying you should stop loving and caring for her, but you need to start loving and caring for yourself too! Manipulation is such a loaded word. You are not manipulating her by standing up for yourself and forcing her to stand on her own. You don't need to change how you feel, you need to change how you act.