MML bringing our marriage to an end

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2008
MML bringing our marriage to an end
165
Thu, 05-12-2011 - 9:26am

From 6 months before our wedding my wife wanted to stop having sex so she could tell our Pastor that we werent having any.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Thu, 05-12-2011 - 9:41am

I think you'd be wasting your time trying to get more counseling at this point.

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Thu, 05-12-2011 - 10:43am
My suggestion is to file for divorce tomorrow. Only 2 years. You don't have kids. Sounds like you are in a position to make a clean break and both of you can move on with your lives.

If you are not ready to divorce, my suggestion is to be brutally honest and not sugar coat anything. Do not worry about how you say things or how she may react. She has not shown any restraint in cutting you to the core. No need for you to be gratuitously cruel. But you MUST be completely transparent. She is destroying your love for her and if she cannot bring herself to engage in sex more frequently and more enthusiastically then there is no future for your marriage. Period.

Then set an explicit deadline in your head. Say 2 months. Don't tell her there is a deadline. If you have not seen DRAMATIC (not baby steps but miraculous transformation) improvement by your internal deadline. Then file for divorce the day after the deadline passes.

Either way, it is time for you to see a lawyer. If things improve soon it will be the best money you ever wasted. If things don't improve, it will be the best investment you ever made. Call now.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2009
Thu, 05-12-2011 - 4:52pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Thu, 05-12-2011 - 9:12pm

Suggestions? Skip the counselling and end this thing now. Rip the bandaid and be done with it. It'll hurt, but far far less than it would hurt five years and two toddlers later. In all the years I've spent on this board, the ONLY ML couples who manage to find an acceptable middle ground are those who started out with some sexual energy and mutual desire between them. You can sometimes revive a dying ember, but not a cold lump of coal. In a year you'll be past the pain and walking with a lighter step. Just do it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Fri, 05-13-2011 - 12:16am
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Fri, 05-13-2011 - 7:50am

...first and foremost, I ask that you not dismiss the advice you've received so far (from HLs and LLs alike)...and, then, I'm going to ask that you think practically...you haven't had a lot of sex...your wife doesn't want to have sex with you (she might not be attracted to you...), or she just doesn't want to have sex, period...either way...you haven't started with a foundation of a mutually satisfying sex life...you are starting with zero and wanting to build...too late for that, in my opinion...should have insisted on that in the beginning (something to keep in mind if having sex within a marriage is important to you)...so, I would end this marriage...and, I would be specific...also, please keep in mind that if your wife simply doesn't want to have sex (no "not attracted to you" issues) then there is nothing that you can do to convince her that she does...you can't be nice enough, remove enough stress, do enough housework, make enough money, give great enough back rubs, come up with a great position, always offer to give oral, always offer to make sure she has an orgasm first...nothing, there is nothing you can do...she probably doesn't feel about anything remotely on the same level that you do about sex...if you choose to stay, take just a second to envision your life without an enthusiastic, loving partner forever...and, then..please keep in mind that you have told her how important sex is to you and your marriage to her...you've told her in plain old easy to understand concrete terms that can't be mistaken to mean anything else and she still doesn't try to be some sort of enthusiastic partner, hell, she doesn't even try to be a mean, nasty "get it over with quick" partner...you are in total control of your future, your choices are yours, you own them...whatever happens from this second out is your choice...not hers...own it...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Fri, 05-13-2011 - 9:42am

In all the years I've spent on this board, the ONLY ML couples who manage to find an acceptable middle ground are those who started out with some sexual energy and mutual desire between them.

My situation is the exception.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009
Fri, 05-13-2011 - 11:09am

You haven't had sex in two years, since the last night of the honeymoon? I wonder how she thinks she is going to get pregnant? You're safe there as long as you don't have sex.

You've say you've talked to her about a lack of "intimacy" in your marriage. If you plan to have any further conversations, don't call it "intimacy," call it sex. You need to make it crystal clear that you are talking about sex. "Intimacy" to a person who isn't into sex could mean discussing your feelings or a variety of other activities that lead to a feeling of emotional closeness. Some people are not wired to get that intimate feeling from sex.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 05-16-2011 - 2:38am

I read what the others have said. I myself will say it this way file for

Goldfish

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2010
Mon, 05-23-2011 - 9:25am

Good for your pastor for minding his own business!

That being said, I would guess your wife's issues are most likely caused by religion. Most non-theists (and probably even many religious people) would probably have a major problem giving up sex for six months during a period when you should be feeling about as close to your parter as you ever will.

Most common religions frown heavily on divorce.

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