MML bringing our marriage to an end

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Registered: 06-11-2008
MML bringing our marriage to an end
165
Thu, 05-12-2011 - 9:26am

From 6 months before our wedding my wife wanted to stop having sex so she could tell our Pastor that we werent having any.

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Registered: 10-31-2009
Wed, 06-08-2011 - 9:24am

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Wed, 06-08-2011 - 9:42am
>>I also enjoy giving pleasure and the emotional and physical closeness. However, I'm guessing that part of the reason you enjoy having sex is that your H lets you know how much it means to him and lets you know how much he enjoys it, both emotionally and physically. Well, when my H and I were having sex, he rarely showed or expressed desire, pleasure, satisfaction, gratitude,...etc. For example, I quit giving him BJs about 10 years after we married because--what the heck--he never asked for them, he never expressed pleasure in receiving them, he never reciprocated...and since I stopped, he's never mentioned the subject. <<

This is similar to what has happened for me. I used to enjoy giving pleasure just for it's own sake, but I never get the kind of feedback I need to keep that kind of loop going. It's always "critiques" and "tips for next time" and his general controlled, lying there still and silent until he graces me with a mouthful of slime (and it seems almost bedgrudging in a way when it finally happens.) Of course my DH keeps on pushing me for bj's and the like, both jokingly and not. But there is NO pleasure in giving them for me anymore. So I seldom do.

>> If NL refers to no lido, what can we use to describe someone that has a normal libido? <<

I've always thought NL should mean normal libido and 0L or ZL should mean no libido. Although I do have a problem with the word "normal" in this context and would prefer the word "average" thus bringing the abreviations to AL and NL.

>>What do I think you mean by "enjoyment" during sex? I think you enjoy the physical and emotional intimacy, I think you enjoy feeling desired, I think you enjoy the power and/or hold you have over your H, I think you enjoy giving and receiving pleasure, and I think you enjoy making him happy and making him feel loved. Those are all things I enjoy, too. I'm just not able to enjoy them with my H. <<

I feel for you as I am pretty much unable to enjoy these things as well. Part of that is due to my own wiring, and part of it is due to my DH's, but still....
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Registered: 02-03-2009
Wed, 06-08-2011 - 9:53am

...I do wish everyone well...I just think a lot of the HLs that post here believe the grass is going to be greener...it's not the grass that is the problem...it's the people standing on the grass...it's not the libido that is the problem, it's how the couple handles the mismatch...and, I think we are alll chemically driven and socially norm satisfying to look the other way when problems arise early in a marriage (I mean, that's why you stayed right, after the honeymoon, you hoped that it would get better?...you had social norms...in the form of your mother, maybe...that were exerting pressure to stay)...and, I do NOT think that we learn from the mistakes of others...we are all inclined to think that we know a better way or are unique or our situation is unique...I do not think you should try harder, I think your husband should...unfortunately, you chose to stay and now you've chosen to stay longer for very good reasons, with a man that doesn't want to try...I have often (really, I used to get into 'trouble" for it all of the time) written here that I think the LL (in the absence of mental illness/sexual trauma) should stretch and compromise as it's easier (in my opinion and for me...my experience) to stretch out of my comfort zone and "put up with" sex I am not in the mood for than for the HL to walk around sex starved and feeling a lack of bonding to their mate...I do recognize that if an LL feels the same unattraction for their spouse that I felt for my first husband, that will be hard...I don't know that I could have done it...didn't get the chance..the reason that I think some (most) HLs will be disappointed?...we (most of the posters) are moving into a phase of life where partner choices are dwindling...and, as people age, their libido can fall...if only because their abilities lessen...some HLs are searching for what youth offered...choices were made that may have "wasted" that youthful, sexual freedom and adventures...I don't know why I was not attracted to my first husband (youth and being selfish I think)..but, I wasn't...and, because I wasn't, I did not feel any more motivation to make our sex life work than you do right now with your husband...the loss that me and my son felt has nothing to do with divorce...divorce always offers hope of for a parent/child relationship...as a matter of fact, there is always hope until there is death...if you are going with the thread that we have to describe an HL, then I am not an HL...there are other LL posters here who exhibit far more desire for sexual release than I do...you hit my definition of sexual enjoyment on the head...and, sometimes, that enjoyment extends to my genitiles...most of the time, not...by the way, I can't remember if I've asked you about your husband...do you think he may be on the Austism spectrum?...if not, why?...is he physically expressive to his children?...does he make eye contact with them when speaking?...what about friends?...what career path did he take?...when someone is so adversive to contact, I have to wonder if there is a deeper reason than just not wanting emotional intimacy/sex...sorry for being nosy...

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Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 06-08-2011 - 4:24pm

Hi M

chaika

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Registered: 10-31-2009
Thu, 06-09-2011 - 9:31am
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Thu, 06-09-2011 - 9:49am
Thanks, TG. I gotta say if I don't maintain some kind of humor about these things I will spend all my time crying and wallowing.

Yes, we've talked about the feedback problem. He tries, but he's just not vocal in the moment. He has stopped giving much feedback at all. Last feedback I got was "there, not that wasn't so difficult was it?" I brushed that off.

The addition is going to be wonderful. Drywall is done, and a painter has been hired. We will have to paint our own trim (which there is a lot of, but that's okay.) Then we put the flooring down, hang the light fixtures, put on the siding and gutters and fascia and set up the furniture. Getting really close. I think we will be able to enjoy it within the next two weeks (although the exterior might not be finished, but who CARES? I'm going to be sitting IN it, not looking at it from outside!!)
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Registered: 10-31-2009
Thu, 06-09-2011 - 11:29am
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Registered: 02-03-2009
Thu, 06-09-2011 - 12:24pm

...the only part of OC's writings that I

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Registered: 06-01-2009
Fri, 06-10-2011 - 1:09am
zejayge wrote:

...the only part of OC's writings that I

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Fri, 06-10-2011 - 6:01am

"You can come to whatever conclusions you like. However, if you had lived through what we had been through--four moves with our husband/father in 6 years, two of them international, all of them work related, and all of them associated with job promotions of escalating responsibility--you would understand that we were all under a lot of pressure and trying to find our footing in a new job, new schools, and new house, with our family and friends 400 or more miles away."

...my life for 34 years...

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