"My" problem versus "our" problem

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
"My" problem versus "our" problem
10
Wed, 07-29-2009 - 9:03am

I have been reading books about 'resisting what is' and how my struggles with this issue

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2007
Wed, 07-29-2009 - 10:14am

My suggestion is to tell him that you will both be better off and happier in relationships that don't suffer from such a fundamental difference in attitudes toward sex.

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Wed, 07-29-2009 - 10:24am

If I were you, I would thank your boyfriend profusely. Thank him for being honest with you about his attitude toward sex. Thank him for for the time you spent together. Thank him for helping you discover the variety of human experience. Then leave.

Smile and thank him for what has been a great experience. Thank him for helping you to learn more about yourself and more about what you want in a relationship. Thank him for understanding that you guys aren't right for each other and wish him well in finding someone more compatible with him. Because truth be told dearie, you aren't any better a match for him than he is for you. Nagging him for sex and complaining that he isn't satisfying you probably bothers him as much as the lack of sex bothers you.

After all, isn't this what dating is for? To find out what kind of relationship you want? Ending a relationship is not a failure. It is like trying new foods. Sometimes you like them. Sometimes you don't. I tell my kids all the time when trying a new food that if it tastes bad to you it isn't a failure. You have successfully experimented and discovered something new about yourself. Same with dating. You try different guys to find out what you like and don't like about men. Eventually you find one that you like enough to stay with. But the ones you break up with aren't failures. They are successful relationships that you learned from.

When you see it coming, duck!

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004

I could have written this paragraph of yours <

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009

I am sorry you are in a similar situation. He probably won't realize how you really feel until you move out.

We had a very hard conversation where he gave me a month to decide if the changes he's making are enough, but he and I both know they aren't. He has shut down and I am trying to leave him alone, but wish he and I could mutually agree that we are not a good match romantically. He is still telling me that he desires me but doesn't really want to have sex with me(?), and he refuses to give me a frequency preference so I have an idea of whether we could find a compromise or not. The fact he won't give me one makes me think it is a severe mismatch.

He is so angry and hurt I am leaving over sex...it feels selfish of me but I only have one life and I don't think I can live with an unenthusiastic sex partner the rest of my days. I lived with false hope he may decide to reclaim his sexuality but I have to go on what I know now.

I also asked him about going to a doctor to get tested for any physical problems and he said he is fine. Again, he is fine with minimal sex.

I thought I would feel relieved but I just feel so sad. We can't make it work.

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004

>>>>> it feels selfish of me but I only have one life and I don't think I can live with an unenthusiastic sex partner the rest of my days. I lived with false hope he may decide to reclaim his sexuality but I have to go on what I know now. <<<<<

Be strong. Get out. It will be worth it. You are doing the right thing.

When you see it coming, duck!

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Thu, 07-30-2009 - 10:01am

<>

Why do you need his agreement? In most faltering relationships, one partner wants to leave and the other wants to hang on.

<>

Don't let his anger derail you. You know in your heart what's best for you. If he tells you that sex is a trivial reason for leaving, just keep telling him that it's not trivial for you. Or say nothing at all -- you don't need to explain yourself to someone who's unable to "hear" you.

I'm LL myself and **I** wouldn't leave a relationship because of sex, but I completely understand why someone else would.

Freelance




Edited 7/30/2009 10:02 am ET by freelancemomma
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Thanks to you and Hold for your words of support.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2002
Stay true to yourself. Its only natural you care about him and it will be sad, you will miss him and him you. But you got to live your life to the fullest, there is compromise, but too much in this case or you would not have chosen this path. You both will
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2009

...he gave me a month to decide if the changes he's making are enough...


He gave you a month? What happens at the end of the month?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Sat, 08-01-2009 - 10:03pm
He feels he has made lots of improvements and he gave me a month to decide if these improvements are enough or if I want to end the relationship.