New here - LL Hubby

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2007
New here - LL Hubby
9
Sat, 06-28-2008 - 9:23pm

Hi all,

I'm a newbie here. I was actually looking googling for support or reasoning on the internet and it brought me here! This will probably be a bit long so SORRY in advance!

Here is a little background on me: I'm 23 years old, married to hubby who is 30 and we have a 16 month old daughter. I have a healthy sexual appetite. You could label me as an HL. When we first were dating, our sex life was great. He was always interested, I could always initiate and he was always asking for a quickie or just wanting to DTD at random times. He was HL then too. It was fun, romantic, exciting, sexy - everything I wanted. Fast forward to when I got pregnant - he was still normal for a while but then it stopped. He said it was because he felt strange having sex while our baby was in my belly. I could understand that so I went along with it. Months passed without sex. I think in the entire 9 month period, we probably only had sex 3 or 4 times. I started to question his excuses because they varied - it was never the same one. When I asked him about this, he just stated that they all were valid and it was just several different things and he just happened to express it that way. I thought it was because I gained weight and once I lost all of the baby weight, it would be better. But it was hard to fathom because my husband is not a shallow person and that stuff never mattered to him with me - he always said that. And sure enough, after our daughter was born, he was bakc to normal. Wanting to have sex anywhere and everywhere again. We weren't sleeping hardly at all, and he would still want to have sex - tired and all. The excuses disappeared and I started to believe that all the ones he gave me during my pregnancy were actually honest.
Then the sex stopped - again. It started to become only on his terms and whenever I would try and initiate or do things to turn him on, he would flat out reject it, which in turn was rejecting me. I would wear sexy nighties, touch him in certain ways, even try to perform oral sex on him. And he would push me away. I felt horrible and completely unsatisfied. It then became once weekly. I thought that was bad. It dwindled again to once every other week. I was mortified at that. It got worse and worse with him - always only on his terms- always the same way. He would wake me up in the middle of the night to do it. He never would try and do anything anymore for me to receive any pleasure out of it like it used to be and he wouldn't even do foreplay. It lasted all of 5 minutes, if I was lucky. I started to feel used. Any discussions we had about it, he would say that he felt "pressured" to have sex with me and that wearing nighties made it feel like he was "forced" to have sex with me. Can you believe that? I found that highly offensive and cried many tears over those comments. He would say he was tired, or that it was work and the baby or his stomach aches - it was always something. It got better for a while - a couple of months. It was 1-2 times a week, sometimes more. I would settle for that. And he started to actually care about foreplay again and my pleasure - it didn't seem so one-sided anymore. Then it got bad again. Now, we have sex maybe once a month, if even that. His excuses are the same.

We just had a long discussion about it the other night. He told me that he is usually exhausted, not feeling good or if he had a negative interaction with me during the day, he wouldn't be interested. But what leaves me suspicious is that NONE of that stuff used to matter - ever. Period. I can remember him having the flu and still wanting sex or having a huge argument with him and him still wanting to have sex with me. I feel like he is making excuses now -I am fairly confident I am not being told the honest truth. I've suspected he is having an affair even because it is so out of character for him. I'm at a loss and at the end of my rope. It's amazing how important sex is in a relationship. I've lost all personality it seems like. Like a previous poster said, I feel like a blob.

My husband works full time - retail hours although they are pretty stable for retail. He rarely works a late shift. I work part time and am home with my daughter most of the time. He has Mondays and Tuesdays off, I have Friday, Saturday, Sundays off. I do most everything for and with our daughter and I am just as tired but I don't find that it stops me from wanting to share that intimacy with my partner. I usually exert myself quite a bit more than he does so that is what really baffles me. More than anything, he never used to be like this. One of his old excuses was that he had gained weight while I was pregnant and felt gross when having sex. He has since lost all of that weight. I am back to pre pregnancy weight and have been for a while. He is always telling me that I'm beautiful and that he is attracted to me, yet really does not act like he is. I guess I feel that if he was truly interested that all of those excuses wouldn't matter and he would find the time. We always have it but he just never wants to. He says that it sucks and that he wants to but can't do anything about it to change it. What is that supposed to mean and what am I supposed to do? Just sit around and be miserable? What do you all think of this? is this a case of "ashamed to admit" LL in my husband or do you think something else is going on? Thanks in advance. I'm really at my lowest point with this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
Sat, 06-28-2008 - 10:02pm

something doesnt sound right to me, he's still interested because he is waking you up during the night and taking sex from you and not giving you anything in return.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Sun, 06-29-2008 - 5:55pm

He's given you the answer but you are not listening. He says he feels pressured. Believe me, even as a relatively HL guy, I don't like to feel pressured to perform either.

So back off! Stop trying so hard. Let him work for it a bit, too. Stop making yourself too available. He'll come around. You just have to be more patient.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2008
Mon, 06-30-2008 - 6:49am

"Any discussions we had about it, he would say that he felt "pressured" to have sex with me and that wearing nighties made it feel like he was "forced" to have sex with me. Can you believe that? "


Sadly, I can believe that.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2007
Mon, 06-30-2008 - 10:50am

I understand that my post is rather long and rambling but you're not reading it all and it's hard to express every detail in a post.

First, I don't pressure him. I don't say a word usually. It will go for over a month with no sex and I will not utter a word. It will bother me, yes. I am not a passive aggressive person, however, and I do not do things intentionally to let him know I am upset. I wear my heart on my sleeve so it is easy to tell if something is bothering me. He will bother me until I tell him what's wrong. I always resist or just say that everything is fine and that I'll be fine. He will keep asking and asking until I finally tell him. Which, by the way, I don't get because he never actually wants to know. He just gets mad - no matter what it is sex or something completely separate. So I'll explain to him VERY calmly and nicely that the the lack of sex is hard, that we're losing our connection and that I am very confused because he is so back and forth with this. Things will be fine for a couple months and then sex dwindles to once a month or less out of nowhere. I explain that I feel confused because he has so many different reasons and that it just doesn't add up and doesn't make sense. He is always singing a different tune. For a while, he would reassure me that it wasn't me, it was him and that it had absolutely nothing to do with me. Then he'll say that it is me in the sense that interactions we have during the day, if they are negative in any way (i.e. a 30 second disagreement that is over and forgotten 30 seconds later) that he isn't interested in sex. I see this as very temperamental and still not adding up. Again, we have had knock down drag out fights where he still wanted to have sex.

Secondly, I don't try too hard. I don't try at all anymore. I gave up a long time ago and just stopped initiating - ever. I let him come to me when he wants sex. And I'm getting sick of it because it's not right and it makes a person feel used. That nightie part is when it first started happening and I would try and do things to turn him on - you know things like that USUALLY turn men on, especially if they are attracted to you. He would just ignore me. I only did that once or twice and after I was in tears because he completely ignored me the first time and the second time, pushed me away, said that it was too much pressure. I'm sorry, but if that is what is considered "pressuring" someone into sex than I must have missed something. That sounds to me like the problem is more on his end - not mine. Any normal hubby or boyfriend would find something like that as a turn on or a nice gesture. SO even though I let him come to me, and I don't mention anything, he still very rarely comes to me at all. It is still once a month or less. Right now, I think it's over a month. I used to keep track and now I find myself just depressed about it and losing track because the more I think about it, the more depressed about it I get. I have literally tried everything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Mon, 06-30-2008 - 1:12pm

I did read it all. If you are not pressuring him any more IN ANY WAY, then who knows what is going on. He could be masturbating without your knowledge. He might be feeling resentful which kills the mood for him. He could have medical issues of some kind. He might not be feeling attractive and desirable. He might not find you attractive or desirable. He might just be tired.

In short, there are no easy answers or easy solutions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2006
Thu, 07-03-2008 - 2:09am

If your hubby doesn't think there is anything wrong, and doesn't want to talk about it, there's really nothing you can do except accept it and deal with it, or leave before it completely destroys you.

So many things that you said reminded me of the situation I had with my ex, and I really feel for you.

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2007
Thu, 07-03-2008 - 9:57am

You're absolutely right. It's quickly getting to the point where I think that my only option is to leave and it breaks my heart that it has come to this.

I sat down with him last night and we talked. He basically said it's because of me - because I'm irritable. I'm irritable because of this and I know that's not wrong of me. I just can't make pretend to be happy when I'm not and things aren't going the way they should to make a happy healthy relationship. He said that me not being irritable would help things and it would be better. Haha. At this point, all it is now is him pulling excuses out of his you know what to cover whatever the real reason is. It was a problem long before I got into a funk about it. It was a problem when I was bending over backwards everyday to make sure he was happy and felt cared for and loved. It's him. It's his problem and he refuses to take responsibility and therefore our whole marriage, friendship, and relationship has flown right out of the window.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2006
Fri, 07-04-2008 - 4:06am

>>>>I sat down with him last night and we talked. He basically said it's because of me - because I'm irritable. I'm irritable because of this and I know that's not wrong of me. I just can't make pretend to be happy when I'm not and things aren't going the way they should to make a happy healthy relationship. <<<<

Yeah, my ex tried that with me when I gave him an ultimatum. Suddenly he blurted out that he wasn't happy either, because I was "rude" to him. That was him getting on the defence and trying not to take on any blame for the situation in our relationship. My response to that was I only like that because I was sick of being treated the way I was, and I was too unhappy to pretend otherwise.

It's nothing more than an excuse. Your attitude probably doesn't help much, but I'm sure you're like I was - you reached a point where you could no longer pretend you were happy, especially since it hadn't done anything to help!

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2008
Fri, 07-04-2008 - 11:38am

I read your post, and having been married to a LL man who I just recently split up from, I believe some of the signs are LL, but maybe not. Could be another woman, especially since your instincts have told you that might be the problem, so explore that too. Also, as another poster said, perhaps internet porn (that's how my husband's LL started). I think a lot of the problem is that he won't acknowledge there is a problem, or he blames it all on you without considering that he might be part of the problem. Total deflection from him to you.

My main concern is that both of you are young, and you have a young child. While I believe divorce is usually the only answer in a ML relationship where one or both of the individuals in it can't or won't compromise or even try to, I would suggest that you suggest marriage counseling or sex counseling to him first, and let him know that you feel it's a last ditch effort before you file for divorce. While it's probably better to divorce while your daughter is still young, it would be better if you can stay together, obviously. He's gotta make an effort though. If he agrees, then see how it goes, perhaps the counselor can help you both come to a compromise. Of course, you'll have to phrase this as an ultimatum and be prepared to back it up. After all, if he doesn't care enough about your marriage to even agree to counseling, why bother? You are still young and you deserve to be happy.

If you do go to counseling, you'll have to figure out what your minimum that you can accept in compromise is. It certainly isn't what you're getting. My heart goes out to you, I know this hurts so badly. I wish you the best of luck.