New I belong?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2008
New I belong?
Sun, 09-07-2008 - 4:23pm

Hi all. I have been reading some posts and I hope this is a place where others are having my similar problem. My husband and I have been married for 8 years. Since the first year of our relationship (even prior to marriage) I began noticing he never wanted sex. Now, when we were dating, he always did. After we moved in together it seems as though he just turned off. We never have sex unless I initiate it or after some long, converstation about how I do not feel he is attracted to me and that I have needs to, blah, blah, blah. But then it just feels like pity sex. We had our daughter a little over a year ago and nothing has changes. It is no worse or better, just the same. We probably average 4-6 times per year. When we do, it is great. He seems happy, I am very happy. Life is good. He always says things like we should do this more often. No kidding! A side note-he is in the military in Special forces and is deployed often. However, this does not seem to make a difference either. He never wants it more when he gets back (absence does not make the heart grow fonder). I love my husband so much. He is my best friend. We hang out together, talk all the time, enjoy our daughter sooooo much. But it is as though we are just the best of friends. I tell him I feel like that or like his roomate and he always says he does not feel that way. He has gone to couseling, I have gone, we have gone together. Nothing helps. He is honest about it but it does not change anything. When they tell him to do something, he doesn't do it. He is "tired", he is too focused on something with work, etc. I keep myself in great shape. I am slender, attractive to other people and only 30. I sometime parade around him naked or in sexy stuff, nothing. SOmetimes he literally does not even notice that I have walked into the room. Or he will just smile and raise his eyebrows and go back to what he was doing. I feel like this is especially hard because I am a woman and I cannot find other women who have this problem. I know there must be some here so that is why I am posting. Sometimes, if a guy flirts with me or show me the least bit of attention, I get so excited. I don't want to have an affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2007
Mon, 09-08-2008 - 9:19am

I don’t really have any guidance but I wanted to tell you that I completely understand exactly how you feel! And I’m not even married to my guy yet!! We’ve only been dating for 5 years; and we just moved in together but since then everything has changed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2007
Mon, 09-08-2008 - 10:22am

Welcome to the board...and sorry to hear that you need to be here!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2007
Tue, 09-09-2008 - 11:44am

This is definitely the right place for you then.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2007
Sat, 09-13-2008 - 7:47am

Oh, you found the right place. I'm not a woman but You just described the first twenty years of my marriage. I've been on this board a long time so I won't boar everyone with my story but I know EXACTLY how you feel.Actually there is light at the end of the tunnel. Two months ago I saw our therapist alone. Sometimes she does that so we can talk more freely without the other person being there. I said I thought I might be done! I might throw in the towel and walk away, I couldn't take it anymore. Well, the next session together, my wife nearly passed out. She always thought I would NEVER leave. She always knew I loved her more and would do anything to keep us together. When the therapist said what I told her in the last session it was like someone dropped an atom bomb. Everything changed!. Her attitude towards me. I get hugged and kissed. I get sex once a week. She even touches me during foreplay!!!!! No oral though.

So don't despair. Things can change. Hang in there. Since your hubby is military you might have to threaten him with a tactical nuke!

Good Luck



iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2006
Mon, 09-22-2008 - 4:02pm
Welcome to the boards lizardmommy.