No sex has become a way of life lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2009
No sex has become a way of life lol
12
Sat, 06-27-2009 - 10:41pm
I have put a couple of posts up on how me and my boyfriend have been together for two years now and attempted sex 3 times within those years and each time resulted in a failed attempt because of what i think is Erectile Dysfunction. Anyways, recently my boyfriend expressed to me that the reason this happens is because he is not

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2009
Sat, 06-27-2009 - 11:26pm

Could this possibly tear our lives apart at the seams?!


Why would you stay? I'm trying to understand how you're not already out the door.


I have no call to be so blunt and you are perfectly free to ignore everything I have to say. However, here's my question: aren't you completely furious that he allowed you to believe for two years that he had a medical condition that prevented you from having sex when, in fact, he just didn't like sex and somehow just didn't want to tell you? Perhaps he

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Sat, 06-27-2009 - 11:56pm

<>

A completely irrelevant question, if you ask me. The only useful question is: "Is this what I want?" It doesn't sound like it is. Why on earth would you even consider his request? Let me guess, it's because "our relationship is so great in other ways." I can assure you there are many, many sexual men with whom you can have a relationship that's also "great in other ways."

Do you think so little of yourself that you fear this is the best you can do? If so, it may be time to work on your self-esteem (by doing esteemable things with esteemable people).

I don't mean to suggest there's anything wrong with him. He sounds asexual to me. More power to him. But if he's not a match for you, don't try to make him one.

Freelance

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Sun, 06-28-2009 - 12:48pm

No person will ever meet all your emotion needs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2008
Sun, 06-28-2009 - 3:16pm

Some of the other people here seem pretty put out by the fact that he let this go for two years before informing you he was basically asexual. If he had told you right away, what would have happened? You would have probably left, right? So, now your relationship has reached a point where he can't keep it from you any longer and he had to basically be honest with you, banking on the hope that having spent two years of your life with him and being attached enough to him that you would simply accept it and not leave. Selfish? Sure it is. Understandable? I think it is. This is the mirror situation to an HL having an affair because they aren't getting enough sex.

Well, now you know. Now you have to decide if you can live with no sex at all for the rest of your life, or take another option. There is more than one--seeking sex outside the relationship with his full knowledge, polyamory, simply moving on. That is a decision only you can make.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Sun, 06-28-2009 - 6:48pm

I agree with the advice that has been given. If you have an expectation of the relationship that's not being met, leaving and finding a relationship that does meet your needs is the best course of action.


Could this possibly tear our lives apart at the seams?!


It could and it frequently does. Many posters on this board are living those torn-apart lives over this issue.


I catch myself losing my temper with him lately about silly issues (which may be a result of me realizing I will never have that level of intimacy with him) and I sometimes consider us to just be friends who kiss occasionally. Am I right in my justification?


It doesn't matter whether you're right or wrong because all the temper tantrums in the world won't turn an asexual person sexual. He doesn't even speak your language. He may not even understand why you're leaving. He may hear the words, but since he doesn't experience and doesn't want the same affirming and bonding feelings sex has to offer you, he may never know on an emotional level what it is you are missing in the relationship.


I have this same conflict with my wife. On one hand, sex is completely separable from love and marriage because she feels like not having sex does no damage to the relationship and that my feeling rejected over it is a non-sequitur. On the other hand, she feels like sex is inseparable from love and marriage because if I were to have sex with anyone else, she would

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2009
Mon, 06-29-2009 - 11:58am
Thanks for all of your thoughts and opinions on this issue. I am overjoyed that I have a place to go to and chat with others on issues that would be deemed "taboo".
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Mon, 06-29-2009 - 12:29pm

Am I saddened by the fact that our sexual relationship is not the typical one of an average couple? I really am. However, I don't want to give up hope. That love that I have for him is something I can't get rid of. And I think if he loves me just as much as I love him, he will agree to work on a solution for the both of us.


It might help you to understand that "the average couple" probably doesn't have a great sex life either. I was in that camp thinking every couple but us was having great sex and learning that a great sex life between a couple seemed to be the exception, rather than the rule helped me feel a lot less lonely. I can't tell you to let go of your hope. But be careful what you hope for. Hoping that he will come around to agreeing to work on it may be disappointing for you. Hoping for a satisfying sex life in some future with someone (maybe him, maybe not) might be less disappointing. That's the boat I'm in.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Mon, 06-29-2009 - 3:14pm

<>

Hope for what? That you will eventually come to happily accept a sexless life? (possible) That he will become a highly or even moderately sexual man? (odds close to zero, IMO)

Hope springs eternal, I know, but in this case your guy has told you that (to quote your words) "he is NOT and has NEVER BEEN interested in sex or anything of that nature." Which makes hope nothing more than delusion.

JMHO Freelance




Edited 6/29/2009 3:16 pm ET by freelancemomma
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Mon, 06-29-2009 - 3:18pm

>>Hope for what? That you will eventually come to happily accept a sexless life? (possible) That he will become a highly or even moderately sexual man? (odds close to zero, IMO)

Hope springs eternal, I know, but in this case your guy has stated clearly that he has NO INTEREST IN SEX. Which makes hope nothing more than delusion.

JMHO Freelance<<

I agree, and not just a delusion, but a cruel one at that. If the original poster intends to hold out her hope, that means she will resign both herself and her partner into a painful place. She will constantly be wishing he was something he has stated he is NOT. She will be pushing a part of herself under attempting to not pressure him, but it will always be there, and they will both know it.

Too much pain, life's too short. Don't put you or your partner through it, honey. Thank him for being honest with you, agree to be friends, go find someone more suitable.

roo and snowy siggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Mon, 06-29-2009 - 4:44pm

Is this the kind of relationship you want for the rest of your life and one you can be happy in with no resentments?

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