Normal L, vs. LL, not HL vs. LL

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Normal L, vs. LL, not HL vs. LL
25
Tue, 06-17-2008 - 9:56pm

I've been lurking for a while now. From everything I've been reading, most HL on here, you are not. You are NORMAL. Your are not really HL, but if your living with a LL, it makes you feel that way

For anyone who is in. a committed relationship, and expects or wants sex maybe a couple times a week, that is NORMAL Or even to want/expect to have sex on the weekends only, (we all live busy lives, working, taking care of kids etc.). But most normal people would expect to have sex at least once a week, and probably at least 2-3 times a week if lucky. Maybe the people who want it everyday 2x a day, well that could be HL.

But most people on this board from what I've read, all they want, is a loving relationship with their partner, and to have sex a few times a week.

What's wrong with that?? It doesn't mean you are sex maniacs. It means you love the person, and want to show it in a physical way.

If you are only having sex 1x a month, or 1x every six months (like I am) that is obviously not the norm. And it is frustrating and you can talk yourself blue in the face, it still does not change things. You are only asking for the MINIMUM, they are offering NOTHING.

I still don't have the relationship I want. And I still have another partner, who I am now seeing almost every week, and provides that for me.

Any thoughts on this? Just don't want these people who are posting at HL, to think there is something wrong with them, there is not. It is normal to want physical attention/sex and to have it at least once a week or hopefully more.

xxxx
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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Tue, 06-17-2008 - 11:01pm

"Any thoughts on this?"


It's all a matter of relativity, compatibility and workability.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2008
Tue, 06-17-2008 - 11:03pm

When I say I am HL I really mean Higher. As in higher than he is. Jeez I'd be happy with once every two weeks. But my mate and I are a special case because we havent gotten there yet. I'm just trying to figure out how to get there with him and this board is the closest I can find.

But I know what youre getting at and agree. I ask a question though for other HL's. Are you wanting more sex because you want more sex or because you want to show your love more?

Laurie

anonymous
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Tue, 06-17-2008 - 11:12pm
Okay, your response seems to be "baffle us with BS". Come on. You were supposed to be the HL were you not? I'm just trying to ask, do you REALLY think you are HL or just normal L and you are living with a LL? That was the basic question. Because the LL tries to make us seem like we are sex starved degenerates. That's all ...
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xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2007
Wed, 06-18-2008 - 12:03am

<<<.....I'm just trying to ask, do you REALLY think you are HL or just normal L and you are living with a LL? That was the basic question. Because the LL tries to make us seem like we are sex starved degenerates. That's all ...>>>>

Part of the reason all of us are here is to get past the first hurdle in our journey towards understanding and appreciating ourselves as well as our spouses. To do that, we have to stop placing blame, fault or responsibility. That means resisting the urge to place the label "abnormal" on the other simply to make ourselves feel better regardless of what our spouses or SO's choose to do. It is a cop-out for us -- who know better -- to dismiss the issue like that

Like FLM often said, what is "normal" is a bell curve. Some people are not built to have a high-powered sex drive; others are. Both are equally normal. Normality isn't the narrow path we needed it to be when we were in high school and trying to figure out what "hat" to wear, and it certainly isn't a label we must use to soothe our frayed sense of self-worth. If we don't lay it aside we'll never get anywhere with our SO; we'll be stuck in the first phase of the "Who's Right" game. We all know where that takes us.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Wed, 06-18-2008 - 12:17am

"Okay, your response seems to be "baffle us with BS". Come on. You were supposed to be the HL were you not? I'm just trying to ask, do you REALLY think you are HL or just normal L and you are living with a LL? That was the basic question. Because the LL tries to make us seem like we are sex starved degenerates. "


No BS, it's ALL relative.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2007
Wed, 06-18-2008 - 12:38am
Your libido is perfectly normal, DustyRose. Is that what you want to hear? The terms LL & HL are used here for convenience. What's HL to one person could be LL to another, but within an ML relationship, there's always one LL and one HL.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Wed, 06-18-2008 - 1:08am

Hi there. I'm sorry about that "baffling with BS" comment. Its just that that post you made, I found it hard to follow.

This one, I find easier. And you are totally right. If you lose the intimacy that's everything. It's the beginning and end all of everything. I guess that was what I was trying to say.

but the sexual attraction is such a huge thing, I only realize that now, after making 2 marriage mistakes. Then finally I find a man who I am hugely sexually attracted to, and him me. But we are both married, to other people.

My husband wants to try a new beginning with us. He saays he's going to cut down drinking and spend more time with me, and try and resume a sex life. So, we shall see.

I don't know how I feel about that, I am so far into the relationship with the other person s sexually, I don't know if I can commit to another sexual relationship now with H after going so long without. I mean, I almost didn't feel like I was cheating, because H wasn't interested in so long, it wasn't taking away from him. But now, if he really is sserious, I have a dilemma on myh hands. On one hand, affair partner who has been there for me 6 years now, on the other, husband who is just NOW saying he is going to try sexually. Don't know what I will do really. I will have to take it one day at a time.

I seriously don't think H will keep up with his promises. He never has in the past. but A partner has been giving me second thoughts, and I put into his mind if I left husband, he thought it would be best for me (because of the alcohol abuse and all). I'm really confused ?????

Its going to take alot of effort. But I am willing to try. I think H is willing to try. I am not going to hold my breathe, until I see what he does.

xxxx
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2008
Wed, 06-18-2008 - 2:16am
I'm with you dustyrose. I agree with most people on the board that there's some normal variation in libidos, obviously, and that what matters is how compatible one partner is with the other. But for the life of me, I can't figure out how or why some LL people would even marry a HL person, or anyone. From what I've read, some LL people don't even want sex once a month. I realize that some LL people develop into that for various reasons: children, work, health issues, etc. But the ones that get me are the ones who are LL when they marry. I guess if you're marrying for financial security or children or whatever and are honest and upfront about it, and the other person goes along with it, okay. But why else would a LL marry at all, unless it's to another LL person? Some sound like they don't like sex at all (I know I know, that's another board). It's very peculiar to me. And I'm a woman who would have been happy with once a week (while I was married) but couldn't get it. I guess that makes me "high libido." But it does seem to me overall that in "working" on it, it's always the HL person who's trying to get the LL to "work" on it. That's how it was for me anyway. Just my 2 cents.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2007
Wed, 06-18-2008 - 9:57am

'..If one wants it once a month vs once a year for the other, it's still a HL/LL issue.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Wed, 06-18-2008 - 6:46pm
" '..If one wants it once a month vs once a year for the other, it's still a HL/LL issue.

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