not sure what to do...just need some support I guess

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2011
not sure what to do...just need some support I guess
30
Tue, 10-11-2011 - 1:19pm

I'm going crazy here.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2011
""" How can you wait for everything to be perfect before you can have sex ""
I call this bull. He could be having an A ( I am having one and make all the excuses in the world to not have sex with my H as he sucks at it as compared to my AP ,affair partner )
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2011

Well when we were dating back in college, I thought he was seeing other people at first too.

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
No quick fixes here. Solutions come only with honesty and hard work.

Thank him for what he does. Tell him you want this to work. But it can't work with zero sex.

Tell him you will work with him. Maybe mornings are better for him. maybe weekends are better for him. But if nothing is good for him, then he'll just have to have sex when he is not in the mood, because "never" doesn't work for you. If he thinks he is stressed about his work now, have him imagine how stressed he'll be when he is divorced and paying child support and maintenance.

You meet him halfway on when and where and how. He meets you halfway by making it a priority to have sex some minimum frequency. Should be win-win for both of you. Otherwise it spirals downward and you will become more and more frustrated and resentful.

And open to advances from other men. Tell him you don't want to go there. Tell him you want you love for him to grow over time, not wither and die. Tell him you don't want to be tempted by other men. But you are only human and if he doesn't provide any sex for months and months, then your thoughts will wander. You own your choices. But he has the power to make it easier or more difficult for you. Does he really want to make your life more difficult in that way?

When you see it coming, duck!

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
I don't think it is bull. Some people have less libido than others. Some people's libido goes up when they are stressed, some people's goes down. Nothing wrong with being either way. The problem is when someone whose libido goes down is matched with a high libido partner. No one goes through life with zero stress, especially when kids are involved. So to some extent the person whose libido goes down has to make a conscious decision to have sex even when they don't feel like it because they are stressed. because waiting until the stress passes is a recipe to never have sex, since some new stress always seems to pop up.

The point for the OP is not to blame him for feeling how he feels. Not to say his feelings are not genuine or valid. SImply say that he faces a choice made more difficult by his feelings / wiring. But he is an adult and retains the power to make a choice. he isn't required to make the choice his wife desires. But he does have to live with the conequences if he chooses to ignore her needs.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2011

Thanks for the advice and understanding.

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Staying to avoid parental disapproval and the big "I told you so" is penny wise and pound foolish. You will be miserable for years just to avoid temporary embarrassment. Most people would suggest making a different choice than that. But it is your life and your choice. I have chosen to stay, and for 14 years was miserable despite communicating, counselling, etc. However, in recent weeks we seem to be resolving our difficulty. I had 2 kids to think about, and was 36 when I started insisting we adress the issue. You are 9 years younger and no kids. Do you want to spend a decade or more miserable? Do you want to bring kids into an unhappy marriage?

Also, sounds to me like a big issue for him is performance anxiety. he knows you want alot more than you are getting and he fears he cannot satisfy you. He has ED issues. Address those fears. Show him all the ways he can please you that do not involve his having an erection. If he gets more confident he can please you, he may become more interested. Help make sex an ego boosting rather than an ego robbing event for him. That "why bother" line is crucial. Stop agreeing with him and show him WHY it IS worth bothering even if he can't get it up.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
>>Show him all the ways he can please you that do not involve his having an erection. If he gets more confident he can please you, he may become more interested. Help make sex an ego boosting rather than an ego robbing event for him. That "why bother" line is crucial. Stop agreeing with him and show him WHY it IS worth bothering even if he can't get it up. <<

This is critical. If the LL partner feels that they are inadequate in any way, it makes sex a very unenjoyable and anxiety fraught event that they will seek to avoid. And then if you pressure them for said event, they will pull back farther and farther until the divide is so great it cannot be bridged without major intervention.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2011

Well, we do have two kids and that is the main reason I want it to work.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2011

I think he does feel inadequate when it happens then he doesn't want to do anything else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2011
One doesnt need to be away from the house to have an A. He could be in an emotional affair which can happen online/over the phone etc.

I am with you that " I always say to him that there is no way we can't have stress in our lives " . Sex is a stress reliever for some.

Just because he isnt having sex with you doesnt make him a LL .There could be numerous reasons.Explore them.

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