Please help... I want this to work out!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2009
Please help... I want this to work out!
11
Tue, 04-28-2009 - 2:33am

I love my boyfriend of 5 years. However he has very low libido. I have average/HL. I am crazy about him, and I don't know what to do because I crave for the union of him and I, that connection and feeling special... I feel so not sexy anymore because of this and it's starting to worry me if I can put faith in myself and our relationship. We are both in our twenties, so naturally doesn't that mean my boyfriend's LL would keep decreasing even more? Mine seems like going up everyday... especially near him!

We actually talked about this issue many times and at one point we almost broke up, but somehow in my heart I couldn't... because I wasn't sure if I could go on without him. I can't imagine loving any other person other than him. We look like a perfect couple on the outside but we are in pain and need help.

With that said, my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend was a psycho - she used him for sex, making him have intercourse everyday, even when he didn't want to. He wanted to wait till marriage but she insisted on having the intercourse everyday. She ended up pregnant, but without telling him she took matters into her own hands, aborting their baby. She cheated on him eventually and he ended the relationship. I think he is still suffering from the guilt from this traumatizing experience.

In the beginning when we started going out everything was wonderful, my boyfriend and I had regular sex 2-3 times a week and enjoyed each other a lot. However, although with some fluctuations it has decreased over the years. Last year, we went on a trip and I was hoping he would initiate sex, but he didn't at all. I was hugely disappointed, since we hadn't engaged in any sex for almost 6 months!

I felt like we were just "friends" and sometimes felt that we were more like siblings than lovers. He likes to cuddle, kiss, but not much more than elementary school level.

Now, I feel lucky when we have sex once a week or even month, usually I try not to initiate sex anymore since he doesn't seem to like it and I remind him of his ex-girlfriend. When we talked about it he said he enjoys it but he scoffs at the notion that sex should be a "priority" and "made time for". He thinks it should only be "spontaneous" - which basically means whenever he wants it, not I. I was shocked to find out that he doesn't think sex as a necessity in a relationship. However, after many talks I think he realizes that it's important to me and trying hard to improve his health/libido, but I felt that we need counseling to overcome scars from our past relationships, mainly his traumatizing experience with his ex-girlfriend's abortion. I believe that he associated sex with bad things, and associated my initiating sex with his ex-girlfriend, thus not wanting it much anymore. And maybe he naturally has LL...

We are thinking of getting engaged and I really need us to work this out, but not sure how! My boyfriend doesn't seem to agree with going to counseling so I don't know what to do. I would reallly appreciate advice. Thanks!




Edited 4/28/2009 2:42 am ET by aiwoejadsfk

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2008
Tue, 04-28-2009 - 8:55am
I wouldn't get engaged or marry him unless you are able to resolve this. It will only get worse after marriage. Definitely don't have kids together unless you resolve this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Tue, 04-28-2009 - 10:16am

<< I believe that he associated sex with bad things, and associated my initiating sex with his ex-girlfriend, thus not wanting it much anymore.>>

Don't make the classic HL mistake of trying to find something "wrong" with your partner to explain his libido. From what you describe of his previous relationship, he's always been an LL. His traumatic experience probably has nothing to do with his current state. He just isn't interested in sex, period. You are going to have to accept that...or move on.

Avatar for moondesert
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 04-28-2009 - 11:58am

I agree with magnaniman. Your bf likely just has a low libido and has found an excuse that he knows will keep you from continuously trying to initiate with him. Which is a natural thing for him to do. It's easier to hear than the truth, which is that he just doesn't desire sex with you as often as you do with him, and there may be nothing you can do to change an innate part of him.

If you marry this man, you must do so accepting that this may always be a part of the package. It would be very unfair to blame him later for the problem, since he made it obvious from the start.




Edited 4/28/2009 11:59 am ET by moondesert
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Thu, 04-30-2009 - 5:11pm

at one point we almost broke up, but somehow in my heart I couldn't... because I wasn't sure if I could go on without him. I can't imagine loving any other person other than him.


I believe you when you say you cannot imagine loving any person besides your BF. But just because you cannot imagine it does not make it so. You wrote you are in your 20's. Believe me, there are so many men you haven't met you, and at least one of them is likely to be someone you can love as much, if not more, and he probably would very much like to have sex with you. That doesn't mean that your BF isnt' wonderful in a dozen ways, and that doesn't mean leaving the relationship wouldn't hurt. It simply means that this relationship might not meet all your needs, and it is totally okay to leave it in order to find one that does. Because, if he is telling you that sex is not a priority, and does not merit making time for it, he is doing you a real favor. He is letting you know what you are in for if you want a relationship with him. A LOT of the people that post here would have loved to have that information early in their relationship. And while he may realize that sex is important to you, he may not be able to do what is necessary to resolve this issue. And the truth is, he would probably be happier in a relationship where he was not pressured to do something he did not want to do, and possibly made to feel inadequate.


Listen, you can go on without him. No one says that would not hurt. It would. But trust the wisdom of the people here, and know that hurt is small compared to what you are in for if you decide to stay.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2009
Fri, 05-01-2009 - 11:33pm

Thanks for replying.

I am actually in my late twenties. My boyfriend is the same. I am really not sure if I can find someone like him though... he was my diamond in a rough and he is very compatible with me.

But I guess you're right. I need to either resolve this or move on...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Sat, 05-02-2009 - 9:02am

<>

Obviously not as much as you'd like! Sexual compatibility is a huge one. It affects every other area of your life and it extends far outside the bedroom. Don't minimize its importance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Sat, 05-02-2009 - 6:34pm

<>


Obviously not as much as you'd like! Sexual compatibility is a huge one. It affects every other area of your life and it extends far outside the bedroom. Don't minimize its importance.




EXACTLY!!! I get that there is more to marriage than sex, but it just kills me when someone says, "He/She is great. We are perfect for each other, except for this one huge issue concerning something that we can only get from each other." No one says that the partner in question is some sort of horrible person because they don't want sex, just that it is hard for some of us to be in a relationship where a need EXCLUSIVE TO THE RELATIONSHOP is not being met.

I have been posting on this board a long time, and I realize the entire issue comes down to a choice. Either you a) accept the mismatch as something you will have to come to peace with, without resentment, of your own free will, or b) get out of the relationship. Any other choice is just a choice to drive yourself, and probably your partner, completely insane. Don't blame your partner for your choice to stay. Don't plan a life of making them pay for your "sacrifice". Don't think there is some magic formula that is going to make them change. It is what it is. No one is the villian. And it sucks. But you do have choices, and whatever choice you make, you should take responsibility for the choice.

Angela
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Sun, 05-03-2009 - 1:00pm

Angela...your entire post is spot on...regardless of whether one's partner is HL or LL...if you stay...you chose to stay...whether societal norms, guilt, or desperation to remain a full part of a child's/children's life/lives...it's a choice...I too do not understand the proclamation..."our marriage/relationship is great in every way except for sex"...ML is not a relationship killer in and of itself...but, add in an unwillingness to compromise and one has to admit that the unwilling partner is selfish and probably not just with their sexuality...

<I have been posting on this board a long time, and I realize the entire issue comes down to a choice. Either you a) accept the mismatch as something you will have to come to peace with, without resentment, of your own free will, or b) get out of the relationship. Any other choice is just a choice to drive yourself, and probably your partner, completely insane. Don't blame your partner for your choice to stay. Don't plan a life of making them pay for your "sacrifice". Don't think there is some magic formula that is going to make them change. It is what it is. No one is the villian. And it sucks. But you do have choices, and whatever choice you make, you should take responsibility for the choice.>>

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2009
Mon, 05-04-2009 - 12:35am
Thanks so much everyone. I bought a book called "He's Just Not Up for It" and read it overnight... and this weekend I talked to him once again using some tips from the book and he was willing to compromise on other areas of intimacy... and I think it can really work out this time, because we communicated our exact needs and why we've been doing what we've been doing. Basically we weren't too open in bed! And there were a lot of miscommunication. I guess a lot of people make the same mistake and drift apart... since it's so hard to talk about! But I am so glad we talked about this before we moved further in our relationship. He gave me a great pleasure this past weekend and we were really happy about it. Also he's going to improve his diet and go to the doctor for a routine check-up so it showed that he cares. He really doesn't want to lose me and he told me he will do whatever it takes to make me happy, since this also makes him happy. I think I was sad/unhappy because I thought that he didn't care about my needs and didn't find me sexy, but that was not the case... he told me he had been trying with different things in his own way, but it has been difficult. I think making this "our problem" not just "his" helped him listen to me instead of ignoring the problem. It takes a lot of communication skills to work this out I think... and a lot of patience and love, from both parties. I think I will see how this goes for another month and decide for sure if our relationship is worth saving.



Edited 5/4/2009 12:41 am ET by aiwoejadsfk


Edited 5/4/2009 12:42 am ET by aiwoejadsfk
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2000
Sat, 05-09-2009 - 7:52pm

maybe his ex liked sex, but because he is LL he didn't so he's exaggerating about their relationship a bit to gain sympathy from you as his LL started to manifest itself in your relationship. I wouldn't progress any further with him, i probably wouldn't be in it this long because all aspects of a realtionship are important to me, including sex.


he is perfectly ok not to want sex as much as you, but if that is a problem for you it will start to magnify other parts of the relationship and make small things seem like whoppers. If you think you can be in a marriage with no sex, then get married but don't complain about it because it is what you chose knowing the facts up front.

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