Quality verses Quantity?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2007
Quality verses Quantity?
73
Fri, 11-18-2011 - 1:23pm

One sometimes aussumes too much.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Mon, 11-21-2011 - 11:13am
<<"It's the quality, not the quantity that counts." (I couldn't understand why we couldn't have LOTS of QUALITY sex!)>>

I agree that the quoted statement is BS. If the LL were truly experiencing the sex as high quality, they would want more quantity. The statement is just a way to avoid saying the truth, which is: "I don't get much out of the sex we're having, so I don't want it often."

F.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Mon, 11-21-2011 - 11:25am

I thought there was the situation for some LLs where the quality was indeed good, but that there was no particular urge or desire to do it more often - the sex camel kind of approach where the person drinks deeply then doesn't need to drink again for some while, even if the water tasted good and they were indeed thirsty.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Mon, 11-21-2011 - 11:33am
<>

In my opinion, no. The contention that "I love it when we do it, but never have the urge to do it" doesn't make intuitive or logical sense to me. People seek out what they love. If you don't seek it out, it's either because you don't truly love it or because you think it's wrong or bad for you (e.g., overeating).

Even if someone doesn't have an urge to do something, knowing (from past experience) that it will be great once started is enough motivation to induce a behaviour. So if the motivation to have sex isn't there, the most likely explanation is that the person doesn't truly love the sexual experience once it's happening. She may love certain aspects of it (like feeling close her partner) but find other aspects off-putting in some way.

JMHO Freelance
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Mon, 11-21-2011 - 11:44am
>>I thought there was the situation for some LLs where the quality was indeed good, but that there was no particular urge or desire to do it more often - the sex camel kind of approach where the person drinks deeply then doesn't need to drink again for some while, even if the water tasted good and they were indeed thirsty. Or that other "distractions" were somehow more important or the person thinks they "should" be done first.....

Is that not sometimes the confusing situation<<

I believe it absolutely CAN be this way. Lots of women function like this. A sort of "it's nice when it happens, but it's not a priority." I think what FLM is referring to is that some LLs don't experience sex as strongly as HLs do. It's nice, it's pleasant, it's pleasurable, but it ain't ALL THAT. And then add in aversions, distractions, feeling inadequate, etc, and LLs aren't getting enough out of the encounter to over ride alla that. So the experience isn't GREAT, it's okay, at best.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2009
Mon, 11-21-2011 - 8:00pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Mon, 11-21-2011 - 9:01pm

<

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Mon, 11-21-2011 - 9:29pm
<>

You are missing some crucial factors in the equation. For example, I absolutely love sex. But I often ind myself weighing many factors when considering initiating/seeking sex with DW. The primary variable here is that there is no guarantee that the sex will be all that great in any particular session. So if I feel like the chances of having a good outcome are low and the barriers to engaging in sex are high -- i.e., she's tired, distracted, not in the mood, sick, etc. -- then I won't bother. It doesn't matter how horny I am if I'm going to end up feeling worse after sex than before.

I think something along those lines is a far better explanation for why some LLs say they enjoy sex but just don't seek it very often.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2009
Mon, 11-21-2011 - 10:14pm
freelancemomma wrote:

I stand by my contention that people who arrange their lives so they have very infrequent sex (with a willing partner) do NOT love sex -- either in general or with that partner in particular. They may say they love it, but I don't believe it.

This rings true. But it raises another problem. I have asked and asked. Is it me? Is it something I'm doing? Is it something I can change? I'm always told it's not me. It's always something external: dd's bedtime, house isn't tidy enough, or some other such BS. What's a person to believe? None of those external factors, once changed, ever add up to more sex so it's back to me.

So, are (some) LLs deluded about the reasons behind their aversion to sex or are they dishonest? How can we tell the difference?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Mon, 11-21-2011 - 10:40pm
None of your reasons for refraining from engaging in sex would apply to a LL. When you avoid sex, it's because you fear your WIFE's reaction would get you down. The LL in a ML relationship has no such fear.

F.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Mon, 11-21-2011 - 10:45pm

<>

I agree with you that external factors are rarely, if ever, the root cause of lack of interest in sex. So it's either "back to you" or (more likely) a general lack of interest in sex on his part. My theory about LL, especially male LL, is that it has to do with a relative lack of arousability. Perhaps very few things truly get him hot, and perhaps those few things are difficult if not impossible to enact in real life.

<>

Yes and yes: some deluded, some dishonest. And I have no clue how you would tell the difference. I suppose if a guy struck me as highly insightful in general but displayed a singular lack of insight into his recoil from sex, I'd be inclined to suspect the latter.

Just my two cents as always,

F.

Pages