Scot2008???

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Scot2008???
51
Wed, 07-29-2009 - 11:51am
Just wondering if you are around and how you are feeling after leaving?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2008
In reply to: autumn3303
Thu, 07-30-2009 - 12:44pm

>> Just wondering if you are around and how you are feeling after leaving?


Here I am!!!


Well I coped quite well. I kept busy and that helped. The hardest part was living on my own as I was used to having someone else around. I missed the little things. My main emotion was concern and worry for him.


After a number of weeks we spoke, both missed each other and he agreed to councilling and had already been and seen a doctor for a check up (all fine).

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2008
In reply to: autumn3303
Thu, 07-30-2009 - 12:52pm

I would also like to add that I am enormously thankful for the opinions, advice and support given on this board to my posts and those of others. It helped a lot. It

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
In reply to: autumn3303
Thu, 07-30-2009 - 3:49pm

The councillor thought his libido was normal, and found mine astonishing - so our mismatch is perhaps average and very HL.


I would be suspicious of any counselor that made this judgment.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
In reply to: autumn3303
Thu, 07-30-2009 - 4:01pm

>>I would be suspicious of any counselor that made this judgment<<

of course, YOU would!! LOL, seriously though, I would be suspicious of a counselor that made ANY judgment about libido level, since no one's libido is right or wrong, it just is.

roo and snowy siggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
In reply to: autumn3303
Thu, 07-30-2009 - 4:02pm
LOL This is what I'm saying!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
In reply to: autumn3303
Thu, 07-30-2009 - 4:08pm
I thought it might be!!
roo and snowy siggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
In reply to: autumn3303
Fri, 07-31-2009 - 7:56am
...wow, me too...the "counselor" could just have easily said..."well, Scotty's Boyfriend, you only want sex once a week and your boyfriend wants it 3...we are obviously dealing with an extremely low libido versus and normal one"...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
In reply to: autumn3303
Fri, 07-31-2009 - 8:43am
Thanks for the update, I am very glad things are improving for you both! Keep us posted on the progress.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: autumn3303
Sun, 08-02-2009 - 2:45pm

Scott, I am glad you and your sweetie were able to meet with the counselor and that you feel heard. GL with the relationship moving to a point where it meets your needs-- I forget, is there an age disparity between you and your SO?

Re the counselor's comment, maybe a little out there. Therapists are supposed to work on the problem, so if there is a mismatch of 2/week that is causing difficulties, that's the problem. Another couple may not have sex at all but not miss it, so no problem. While I agree there is no "right" or "wrong" libido, I think it is actually helpful to know the "mean". Which will bring the rotten fruit pouring down on me. Couples have to compromise all the time. It doesn't hurt to have a benchmark. If her libido says 8 times a week and his says once, or vice versa, *I* think it's helpful to look at norms to suggest which direction the compromise is going to move. Should they compromise at four times a week (the middle) or twice (the "norm", if there is one.) To me 3x a week is a brisk pace but not off the deep end but then of course I am high-ish on the L scale.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
In reply to: autumn3303
Sun, 08-02-2009 - 3:38pm

While I agree there is no "right" or "wrong" libido, I think it is actually helpful to know the "mean"...Couples have to compromise all the time. It doesn't hurt to have a benchmark. If her libido says 8 times a week and his says once, or vice versa, *I* think it's helpful to look at norms to suggest which direction the compromise is going to move. Should they compromise at four times a week (the middle) or twice (the "norm", if there is one.)


The problem I have with so-called "norms" is that they depend on what culture you live in, the decade you live in, the accuracy of the statistics and probably the time of year. What does any of that have to do with the two individuals in the relationship? To me, it has nothing to do with them. So why should they base their benchmark on all those other factors, instead of basing it on their own personal histories and habits? My DLLW has gone through phases where having sex more than twice a month was uncomfortable. And the times we've had sex twice a day felt pretty comfortable for me. Based on that, our compromise should fall somewhere between twice a month and twice a day. I know, it's a broad range, but further analysis can narrow it down.

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