Is she right?
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|Mon, 08-25-2008 - 9:15am|
My girlfriend of 5 years and I broke up last Monday. She had been on Celexa for the last year. It solved all of her problems with depression and anxiety, but her sex drive dropped like a rock. By two months ago, it wasn't infrequent, it was dead. D-E-A-D. Nothing.
We'd been arguing about it, but her position never changed. "I'm happy now. This medicine works for me. I'm feeling better than I have in years and, if I have to give up sex to feel that way, that's fine. You should feel the same way too." My position is that I understand and agree with everything she says except that last line. I don't think its fair of her to ask me to go without sex, any more than its fair of me to ask her to give up the medication.
In fact, I never did. I just wanted to find something that could offset the side effects. For the last year, I scoured books, magazines, the Internet, looking for somewhere, something, that may help. I suggested counseling, switching medicine, herbs, vitamins, meditation, anything. She flat out refused. I tried seeing things her way and keeping my mouth shut about being bothered. I watched as dryspells lasted and lasted, and watched as she never bat an eye.
Finally she agreed to switch medicine two months ago. For the first few weeks, things were 100% better and I thought we had our miracle. But when her sex drive came back, so did her depression. She began slacking off at work, feeling depressed, "nobody likes me, everyone hates me, I suck, I can't do anything right, etc. etc. etc."
Seeing that things weren't working, I tried to be supportive and recommended that we try something else. She turned around and said no, she's going back on Celexa, doesn't care about sex at all, and that I should just shut up and be happy with the better person she's become. I told her that I wanted a complete relationship and that, part of my defination of a complete relationship is a healthy sex life. I told her that she should fully examine all her options before running back to Celexa. She said that I was just a sexed up frat boy who only wanted her for sex, and again, flat out refused. "Shut up and be happy for me!" was where she ended things.
We broke up on Monday. I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't want to spend the next 30 years of my life in a relationship with no sex. She, understandably, holds it against me. But I tried for a year to see things her way. I tried going without, smiling, doing everything she asked of me, trying to be happy about it, trying to rationalize it away, trying to focus on the positives. But I never felt happy while doing it. I never felt complete, I never felt whole. I felt like I was lying to her and lying to myself. I wasn't happy. Not just because we weren't having sex, but because she had completely written off my opinions as those of a "stereotypical frat boy" (anyone who's known me for more than a minute will tell you that I am far from that). She didn't want to even consider my point of view. She changed her medicine, not because she had any great desire to save our sex life, but because she wanted me to "leave her alone."
And before all of this, we had a great sex life. No complaints. She actually looked forward to it. But all of that changed when the medicine came in. As happy as I was with the new and improved her, I was unhappy about what I had lost. I was even more unhappy that she wouldn't consider things any other way but her own, and that she flat out refused to try anything that didn't involve Celexa.
We had a great relationship too. Felt the same way about a lot of things, had fun together, shared a lot of interests. But I just wanted a complete relationship, and I don't think I have to be sorry for that.
But am I right to feel this way? Or am I just a "sexed up frat boy"? I think I did everything I could to make this work, but I just didn't want to wind up making a decision I would wind up regretting later on. I know that this was because of a side-effect that she couldn't necessarily control, but to not even consider someone else's point of view and to tell them, "Shut up and deal."
What do you all think?