Should I believe him? (really long im sorry! but will really appreciate the advice)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2011
Should I believe him? (really long im sorry! but will really appreciate the advice)
43
Mon, 12-05-2011 - 8:39am

So I've been reading posts on this site for about 3 months now, it helped for me to see that I wasn't alone. I wanted some advice, and I didnt want to go to any of my friends because honestly i feel too ashamed to say, "i feel ugly, i feel hideous and he just doesnt want to have sex with me anymore" friends will just say no you're beautiful, you have nothing to worry about, but I can't help how I feel. I need honesty that can only come from strangers.

My fiance is NOT LL but within the past 6 months or more, his sex drive has almost completely disappeared. We've been together for 3 years, living together for 2. I am the same that I've always been, my weight doesnt change, I take care of myself, there is nothing different in my looks that there was three years ago. In the beginning we had sex atleast twice a day except for a four month period while I was away finishing schooling. Even then, we frequently talked about our sex life, had phone sex or skype sex. We always talked about our fantasies and was very very open about sex as we are with everything else. As he had said from the begining the only way to explain our relationship is to say we "just fit". We have our fights, disagreements but we can always work it out in the end.

We each initiated sex evenly from the beginning, there would be very few if any a time we would turn down each other and if we did it was always done respectfully taking the others' feelings into consideration. However I will say about 6 months ago he began turning me down, I didnt take it on too much at first, It was a slightly stressful time for both of us and an injury he has from a car accident years before had been acting up alot as well. As a week passed with every night me being turned away I began to worry till it turned into 3 weeks, and all of a sudden that last week we had sex about 3 times (which was still alot less than we would usually have). From then on we haven't had sex more than twice a week for the most and it is now around once every week and a half.

The first time I brought it up, he laughed, because I was crying and he didnt understand what I was talking about, he never even realised our sex life had decreased, he said it was probably the stresses on his mind and i had nothing to worry about, he wasnt cheating (which I know for almost a fact that he is not) and that he was still attracted to me. The second time I brought it up I was furious and we yelled and fought like never before, he said I had gotten materaialistic and that I was putting too much importance into sex. I tried to explain that it wasn't only about the sex but the affection and feeling of being wanted. So to fast track this story we fought about it many more times, either when i tried to initiate sex, was turned away and began to cry, so he brought it up or when I was fed up of trying to "hold out" and snapped. I tried everything from sexy lingerie, to cooking his favourite meals, to walking around completely naked infront of him. Nothing worked. He said I was being too pushy and it turned him off.

Which brings me to one month ago. We fought again, this time I tried to initiate after a week and a half drought. I hadnt muttered one suggestive comment or done one suggestive action since(as he said it turned him off). This time when I initiaed he (excuse me for my crudeness) was hard, i cld feel it and continued of course, he then got up, pushed me away and began to watch tv. I was soo shocked, I tried again till he shouted at me to leave him alone. I didn't understand it, there was no way he could say that he wasn't in the mood, that I hadn't gotten the hint in the beginning. I blew up, I was wrong but at the time I couldnt help it. We fought all day, and then all night and all the next day, for the first time i picked up some of my stuff and left and went to my mother's with all intentions to spend the night. We started txting each other and he asked me to come home, I told him the only way was if he was going to take me serious and have a completely calm conversation about this. He agreed but as it was already late at night said that we couldn't talk tonight, which I agreed to, we were both exhausted and had work the next morning, I came home and we went to sleep.

A few days later while we were out drinking with some friends I asked him when he wanted to have our conversation. He told me there was no need, that he completely understood and that things will definitely change on his part. I believed him....two weeks later and nothing, i patiently waited and decided that my best

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004

No, I wouldn't believe him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
>>Claiming that he hasn't noticed that two weeks has gone by without sex is a major cop out. There is clearly more going on here than he has admitted.<<

I don't agree that it is a cop out. For a LL, we just don't NOTICE how long it's been. Unless I make a chart, I can't tell you how long it's been. (well, today I can, cause it was at 11:30 last night, but that's the exception not the rule...once a day or two has gone by, I cannot tell you exactly when it was, I just don't care about it enough to keep track that way.) This is why scheduled sex is sometimes a great answer for LLs. Put it on the calendar, then I know when I am expected to have it, when I had it last, etc. Otherwise, I just lose track of it. Sort of like I'd lose track of when my student loan payment was due, if I didn't get a statement.

Now I DO think there's more going on here than meets the eye. It's been 3 years, I'm not surprised about the timing. Somewhere between 1 and 3 years is when LLs begin to fall back to their "set point" and the newness stops being a motivator, imo. This is where the real work of a ML relationship begins, and it can be a make or break point. If either party handles this badly, damage can be done that is really hard to repair. And in some ways, I already see this pattern occurring. He feels pressured. She believes that just because he has an erection, that automatically means he wants sex (NOT true for LL men.) She feels undesired, regardless of what he says. He is avoiding. I'd advise counseling, before things go off the rails, because it doesn't seem like the OP and her partner have the right kind of communication going on to handle this particular issue.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2011
Thank you very much!!!
I don't believe he could not notice, I mean If you're in the mood it would happen, all it says is you weren't in the mood for those two weeks. I honestly just want an answer to whats going on, it would make it much easier for me to deal with the rejection (not to sound selfish) and I especially want a reason because it's the only way we could try to resolve the problem.(if he wants to resolve it)
I will try that approach next time, I'm usually good at expressing my feelings, but as I feel so vulnerable because of this I usually just end up blurting that out.

Should I go back to initiating sex or should I wait it out for him whenever he feels like it? I'm really afraid to put myself back out there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2011
I understand what you're saying but i really don't believe that he is LL...He always had an extremely high sex drive throughout our relationship and before me as well (according to him). I know as time goes by things will slow down but it just happened so suddenly it seems like there is a specific defined reason and not just time passing and the natural order of things.

The problem with one of your solutions is that he hates scheduling anything. He doesn't like to plan things like sex, and if i ask "what is the amount of times a week that you'd like to have sex?", his answer is always "whenever we feel like it." He would never schedule it and he would never go to counseling. I respect these things about him. I wouldn't wanna schedule sex either, otherwise for me personally it would be boring.
You're right we just can't seem to communicate properly on this particular topic. Everything else we can both come to a compromise or either of us will admit when they're wrong. I really don't know what to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004

I don't agree that it is a cop out.

How does one go from having sex twice a day to twice a month and not notice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
>>How does one go from having sex twice a day to twice a month and not notice? I don't buy that at all. They may pretend they don't notice, hoping their partner won't make a fuss about it, but they'd have to be completely clueless to not notice.<<

buy it or don't, but as a LL, I'm telling you, it is my reality. And I think I explained it pretty thoroughly, to be honest.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
>>I don't believe he could not notice, I mean If you're in the mood it would happen, all it says is you weren't in the mood for those two weeks.<<

Precisely, or the mood passed so quickly, and was so minor, it was just not a big deal to him.

>>but i really don't believe that he is LL...He always had an extremely high sex drive throughout our relationship and before me as well (according to him). I know as time goes by things will slow down but it just happened so suddenly it seems like there is a specific defined reason and not just time passing and the natural order of things.<<

I am guessing you don't know about NRE or PEA? It is very very possible that he is LL in a LTR. Once the hormones that come from NRE (new relationship energy) wear off, his normal set point for sex may be once a week or every other week. It may be that sex is not as important to him once the driving force of those new relationship hormones wear off. Or there may be other issues at work. It is possible that something specific put him off for the short term, and that your reaction to his disinterest has made him back away even further. (Pressure will do that to some folks, it makes sex no fun for them.)

As for hating schedules, I understand, I truly do, and wasn't suggesting that as a solution, so much as trying to illustrate my point about not knowing how long it had truly been. It can be a solution for some, but a lot of folks don't like it. Of course I would say not to take ANY solution off the table without trying it, because honestly, ML is a beyotch to solve, and you never know what solution might be the silver bullet for your relationship.

As far as communication and counseling go, I guess you'll either figure it out or you won't, since getting help is off the table right from the start.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009

his answer is always "whenever we feel like it."

If you'll listen to someone who's been through the fire: this is a showstopper in a long-term relationship if sex is important to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2004

Just one important note: arousal does NOT (sorry, edited this wrong the first time) equate with being in the mood. Be careful to never use his erection as an arguing point or as a base assumption as doing so only complicates the matter.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2004

"As for your approach, I don't think starting it off by saying

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