Should I believe him? (really long im sorry! but will really appreciate the advice)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2011
Should I believe him? (really long im sorry! but will really appreciate the advice)
43
Mon, 12-05-2011 - 8:39am

So I've been reading posts on this site for about 3 months now, it helped for me to see that I wasn't alone. I wanted some advice, and I didnt want to go to any of my friends because honestly i feel too ashamed to say, "i feel ugly, i feel hideous and he just doesnt want to have sex with me anymore" friends will just say no you're beautiful, you have nothing to worry about, but I can't help how I feel. I need honesty that can only come from strangers.

My fiance is NOT LL but within the past 6 months or more, his sex drive has almost completely disappeared. We've been together for 3 years, living together for 2. I am the same that I've always been, my weight doesnt change, I take care of myself, there is nothing different in my looks that there was three years ago. In the beginning we had sex atleast twice a day except for a four month period while I was away finishing schooling. Even then, we frequently talked about our sex life, had phone sex or skype sex. We always talked about our fantasies and was very very open about sex as we are with everything else. As he had said from the begining the only way to explain our relationship is to say we "just fit". We have our fights, disagreements but we can always work it out in the end.

We each initiated sex evenly from the beginning, there would be very few if any a time we would turn down each other and if we did it was always done respectfully taking the others' feelings into consideration. However I will say about 6 months ago he began turning me down, I didnt take it on too much at first, It was a slightly stressful time for both of us and an injury he has from a car accident years before had been acting up alot as well. As a week passed with every night me being turned away I began to worry till it turned into 3 weeks, and all of a sudden that last week we had sex about 3 times (which was still alot less than we would usually have). From then on we haven't had sex more than twice a week for the most and it is now around once every week and a half.

The first time I brought it up, he laughed, because I was crying and he didnt understand what I was talking about, he never even realised our sex life had decreased, he said it was probably the stresses on his mind and i had nothing to worry about, he wasnt cheating (which I know for almost a fact that he is not) and that he was still attracted to me. The second time I brought it up I was furious and we yelled and fought like never before, he said I had gotten materaialistic and that I was putting too much importance into sex. I tried to explain that it wasn't only about the sex but the affection and feeling of being wanted. So to fast track this story we fought about it many more times, either when i tried to initiate sex, was turned away and began to cry, so he brought it up or when I was fed up of trying to "hold out" and snapped. I tried everything from sexy lingerie, to cooking his favourite meals, to walking around completely naked infront of him. Nothing worked. He said I was being too pushy and it turned him off.

Which brings me to one month ago. We fought again, this time I tried to initiate after a week and a half drought. I hadnt muttered one suggestive comment or done one suggestive action since(as he said it turned him off). This time when I initiaed he (excuse me for my crudeness) was hard, i cld feel it and continued of course, he then got up, pushed me away and began to watch tv. I was soo shocked, I tried again till he shouted at me to leave him alone. I didn't understand it, there was no way he could say that he wasn't in the mood, that I hadn't gotten the hint in the beginning. I blew up, I was wrong but at the time I couldnt help it. We fought all day, and then all night and all the next day, for the first time i picked up some of my stuff and left and went to my mother's with all intentions to spend the night. We started txting each other and he asked me to come home, I told him the only way was if he was going to take me serious and have a completely calm conversation about this. He agreed but as it was already late at night said that we couldn't talk tonight, which I agreed to, we were both exhausted and had work the next morning, I came home and we went to sleep.

A few days later while we were out drinking with some friends I asked him when he wanted to have our conversation. He told me there was no need, that he completely understood and that things will definitely change on his part. I believed him....two weeks later and nothing, i patiently waited and decided that my best

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003

As you know, I'm also LL and don't keep track of when I have sex. My memory for everyday things is not exceptional, but I can't imagine being unaware that sex had dwindled from once a day to once every two weeks (the situation described by the OP). The more likely scenario, IMO, is that:

1. He's aware the sex has been dwindling
2. He's aware that he's not in the mood as often as before, but he isn't sure why
3. The OP's approach is exacerbating the situation (i.e., creating a negative spiral)

To the OP, I would suggest:
1. Back off, but don't back down. In other words, stop whining, harassing, begging or flirting (which only works well in a sexually balanced relationship), but pick your moments and insist on the truth
2. Focus less on what you presume your fiance feels or doesn't feel and more on his behaviours
3. Establish your personal line in the sand and stick to it (e.g., if you can't be happy with less sex than once a week, communicate to your fiance that this is a dealbreaker for you)

I don't mean to be harsh and hope that my honest thoughts will be helpful to you.

Freelance

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2004

"being aroused has nothing to do with being in the mood"

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003

I think you've hit the nail on the head.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2004

"Once we get more than 3 days out, I have no clear recollection of when it last happened."

DW is the WORST liar on the planet, that includes humans and non-humans alike and i can tell you for certain that she is with mirandarr on this, she has no idea how long it's been and really has no interest in having any idea. Or in having it pointed out to her, for that matter. It just doesn't register for her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
>>DW is the WORST liar on the planet, that includes humans an non alike and i can tell you for certain that she is with mirandarr on this, she has no idea and really has no interest in having any idea. Or in having it pointed out to her, for that matter.



True story ...<<

Your wife and I share a skill set, it would appear. I would like to say that I only mind having it pointed out to me because it makes me feel even more like a broken failure than I already do. If it was some neutral thing, with no ML or pressure involved, like "did you know it's been 2 months since you had a hot dog" I wouldn't mind so much. And NO that is not a euphemism!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2004

"We had some financial issues right before the ML situation. Mainly because of the

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2004

"

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
>>However, you show a great deal of strength in coming here every day and remaining honest and open with us.<<

Thanks for that, xisummit

>> I have learned so much because of that openness and am thankful to you and every LL who steps out of their comfort zone to contribute here for all our benefit. <<

This is what I hope my being here contributes. That even a single HL understands their LL partner a little better for having heard my stories.

>>The thing I can say for certainty is that the guilt and feelings of inadequacy of the LL create similar obstructions as do the frustrations and feelings of being undesireable do in HLs when it comes to improving the overall situation or at least in coming to an understanding. It is these sorts of things that also make it more difficult to chat about this with a partner. This subject/issue is so emotionally charged that chatting is out of the question when there is ML, things escalate far too fast and end up being given/taken too personal. Objectivity does not appear to be an option.

Not for me, anyhow ....... <<

Me either, although I am getting better....I think.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2009

Maybe other HLs will chime in here but in my experience, the HL list of reasons for not having sex with their partner is very short. The fact that your guy has a list of reasons (your materialism, your sexual insistence, his angry disinterest) might tip things in favour of him being LL. I think realizing what you're dealing with is important because if he is LL and this isn't a temporary blip, this would be the rest of your married life with this person. I don't know why but LL men don't seem to like to share their reasons or understanding of their LL-ness so whatever he's told you so far, that's probably all the information you're going to get. If you can live with that, you'll be fine. However, living with that means not trying to get him to have more sex with you. It really means only having sex when he wants it (and that doesn't become more frequent as the years go by). I am also in the "trap" of everything being great except for the sex. Unfortunately, except that we have a child together, we could have had the same relationship if we'd just remained friends with very limited benefits or roommates.

The best thing you could do for yourself at this point is to find a counsellor you like and talk through these things before your wedding date. If you understand yourself and your own motivations for continuing this relationship, you'll be in a better position to make the right decisions.

I wish someone had advised me to think carefully about marrying someone whose beliefs and opinions about sex were so radically different than my own. I might still have gone through with it but my expectations would have been different.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009

the HL list of reasons for not having sex with their partner is very short

I don't think I'm on board with this statement in the sense that I think I likely have the same reasons as a LL and am extremely selective with who/what I want sex with, BUT - and this is perhaps the difference - I will seek and find many ways to overcome the reason with high priority, and to find an alternative tout suite.

IOW, the reasons are there, but my "HL" mindset will find a way to out-trump them.