Should I believe him? (really long im sorry! but will really appreciate the advice)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2011
Should I believe him? (really long im sorry! but will really appreciate the advice)
43
Mon, 12-05-2011 - 8:39am

So I've been reading posts on this site for about 3 months now, it helped for me to see that I wasn't alone. I wanted some advice, and I didnt want to go to any of my friends because honestly i feel too ashamed to say, "i feel ugly, i feel hideous and he just doesnt want to have sex with me anymore" friends will just say no you're beautiful, you have nothing to worry about, but I can't help how I feel. I need honesty that can only come from strangers.

My fiance is NOT LL but within the past 6 months or more, his sex drive has almost completely disappeared. We've been together for 3 years, living together for 2. I am the same that I've always been, my weight doesnt change, I take care of myself, there is nothing different in my looks that there was three years ago. In the beginning we had sex atleast twice a day except for a four month period while I was away finishing schooling. Even then, we frequently talked about our sex life, had phone sex or skype sex. We always talked about our fantasies and was very very open about sex as we are with everything else. As he had said from the begining the only way to explain our relationship is to say we "just fit". We have our fights, disagreements but we can always work it out in the end.

We each initiated sex evenly from the beginning, there would be very few if any a time we would turn down each other and if we did it was always done respectfully taking the others' feelings into consideration. However I will say about 6 months ago he began turning me down, I didnt take it on too much at first, It was a slightly stressful time for both of us and an injury he has from a car accident years before had been acting up alot as well. As a week passed with every night me being turned away I began to worry till it turned into 3 weeks, and all of a sudden that last week we had sex about 3 times (which was still alot less than we would usually have). From then on we haven't had sex more than twice a week for the most and it is now around once every week and a half.

The first time I brought it up, he laughed, because I was crying and he didnt understand what I was talking about, he never even realised our sex life had decreased, he said it was probably the stresses on his mind and i had nothing to worry about, he wasnt cheating (which I know for almost a fact that he is not) and that he was still attracted to me. The second time I brought it up I was furious and we yelled and fought like never before, he said I had gotten materaialistic and that I was putting too much importance into sex. I tried to explain that it wasn't only about the sex but the affection and feeling of being wanted. So to fast track this story we fought about it many more times, either when i tried to initiate sex, was turned away and began to cry, so he brought it up or when I was fed up of trying to "hold out" and snapped. I tried everything from sexy lingerie, to cooking his favourite meals, to walking around completely naked infront of him. Nothing worked. He said I was being too pushy and it turned him off.

Which brings me to one month ago. We fought again, this time I tried to initiate after a week and a half drought. I hadnt muttered one suggestive comment or done one suggestive action since(as he said it turned him off). This time when I initiaed he (excuse me for my crudeness) was hard, i cld feel it and continued of course, he then got up, pushed me away and began to watch tv. I was soo shocked, I tried again till he shouted at me to leave him alone. I didn't understand it, there was no way he could say that he wasn't in the mood, that I hadn't gotten the hint in the beginning. I blew up, I was wrong but at the time I couldnt help it. We fought all day, and then all night and all the next day, for the first time i picked up some of my stuff and left and went to my mother's with all intentions to spend the night. We started txting each other and he asked me to come home, I told him the only way was if he was going to take me serious and have a completely calm conversation about this. He agreed but as it was already late at night said that we couldn't talk tonight, which I agreed to, we were both exhausted and had work the next morning, I came home and we went to sleep.

A few days later while we were out drinking with some friends I asked him when he wanted to have our conversation. He told me there was no need, that he completely understood and that things will definitely change on his part. I believed him....two weeks later and nothing, i patiently waited and decided that my best

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
>>"offer to negotiate" and "offer to have more sex." I agree that if she hadn't taken your offer to negotiate seriously, you'd have been justified in questioning her suitability as a mate.<<

Yes, Mol's terminology of "an offer" has always rankled me a bit, because I viewed it in my framework. Oh joy, another offer to have sex! It's sort of like a woman I have in my office who calls every irritating thing that happens an "opportunity." It just bugs the chit out of me. I don't need more offers or opportunities, I need more respect and appreciation for my efforts.

However, viewed a different way, I have an opportunity to engage with my DH and help him find happiness. I have an offer to help him be fulfilled in our relationship and bonded with me in an important way. I have a hard time flipping it like this, but I work at it, because it's all in your frame of reference.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009

Thanks for

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
>>The "irresistable" offer of something unpalatable reminded me of the chocolate-covered cotton that Milo sells in Catch 22 if you remember that.<<

lol, yes, just like that. But no apologies necessary because your choice of words helped me "flip" my frame of reference, and that's a GOOD thing, imo, even if it is difficult and uncomfortable at times

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