sick of sex happening only on his terms

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2008
sick of sex happening only on his terms
Tue, 06-09-2009 - 9:53pm
I am so frustrated! My husband's libido is lower than mine. He does want to have sex often though, every other day or so. I always say yes when he wants to even if I'm not in the mood. I don't feel obligated I just feel like I love him, so I wouldn't want to reject him. On the other hand. If I want to have sex, a lot of times he doesn't want to. It's weird. It's almost as if I have to play hard to get for him to want me. If I intiate, which I rarely do, its like its a turn off. I would think a guy would be turned on by this but apparently he isn't. He claims that he can't just get hard. I told him that that's why there's foreplay, etc. I feel like he's making excuses. I have no idea how to get around this. Or what I'm doing wrong if anything. It makes me feel rejected most of the time. We just got in an argument about this and I'm so confused. He acts like I am asking him to jump off a bridge if I initiate sex. Help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Tue, 06-09-2009 - 10:20pm

He probably doesn't like feeling like he has to perform. When he initiates, sex can be on his terms. When you initiate, he might feel like you have certain expectations that he can't meet. It comes down to insecurity on his part.

How do you deal with it? Communication might help. Or just play along with his game and play hard to get if you can manage that. That has been the solution for some people on this board. Not ideal but there is rarely an ideal solution to these issues.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2007
Wed, 06-10-2009 - 12:12pm

it sounds like your complaint may be more about sex being on "his terms" rather than the frequency?

Granted, every day would be nice, but every other day really isn't toooooo horrible.

I understand the "terms" thing completely though. Unfortunately that seems to be the very nature of mismatched libidos. Assuming nobody is physically/emotionally forced, then the lower libido partner ALWAYS gets to the make the decision about when sex will happen.

That almost certainly leads to resentment by the higher libido partner. The LL partner can turn down the HL as often as they want, being pretty confident that the HL will be raring to go whenever the LL gets in the mood.

I actually turned down my wife last night....that's the first time that has EVER happened in our 10 years of dating/marriage. Although I wasn't expecting/trying for sex, she could have easily gotten me in the mood very easily....however I've been so angry/resentful over the very "terms" issue that you describe, that I not only turned her down, but told her EXACTLY why I didn't want to have sex.

Suffice it to say, the resulting fight was FAR less pleasant than sex would have been, but who wants to feel like they're constantly begging their partner for sex?? I think my pride finally won out over my erection.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Wed, 06-10-2009 - 1:59pm
nj_taltos, how did your wife react to that?!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2007
Wed, 06-10-2009 - 2:10pm


"apologized" that she cant make herself want me more
spent the rest of the night as far away from me in bed as possible
barely gave me a goodbye before I left for work

Like I said, much less enjoyable than the sex would have been, but now that this is an issue being discussed in counseling, I'm determined to make my needs as much a priority as hers.

Part of process, just not a fun one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2009
Wed, 06-10-2009 - 8:45pm

I'm trying to get my head around this one and figure out how my husband would react if I ever turned him down for sex. Truthfully, I don't have the guts. He can go without

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2007
Wed, 06-10-2009 - 10:06pm

Well, if anything even remotely useful, or educational comes out of this, I'll share as much as possible.

Like you, my spouse can go WAY longer without than me. And it will probably be quite a while before she finds herself in the mood again.

But the reality of it is this: She absolutely does NOT push herself in the least bit. We have sex only when she's already in the mood and never just to make me happy. So it's not like turning her down is going to make the next 'dry spell' any longer than it already would have been !

The truth is that I didn't turn her down to be mean or spiteful. No matter how much I enjoy sex with my gorgeous wife, no matter how tight it makes us feel for days afterward, my pride is just taking too much of a beating, not only from the constant rejection but then jumping like a trained poodle when she "beckons". Unfortunately for her, that hurt was real real close to the surface last night.

Well, we shall see....if she's still awake when I head up to bed I suspect we'll have that post-fight discussion. If not, well tomorrow evening IS another counseling session.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2007
Fri, 06-12-2009 - 1:21am

<< I'm trying to get my head around this one and figure out how my husband would react if I ever turned him down for sex. Truthfully, I don't have the guts. He can go without much, much longer than I care to test.

I find your wife's reaction fascinating. Clearly she expected you to be at her beck and call and was stunned to discover you had a different perspective. I'd be interested to hear how this unfolds if you'd care to share.

Has anyone else had this experience? >>

I think almost all of us HLs who have turned down sex at any time from our LL spouses have experienced a similar response along the lines of: shock, awe, disbelief, anger, indignation, etc.