So It Begins

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
So It Begins
Fri, 06-06-2008 - 10:49am
This morning Mrs. Hold complained that I was playing PS3 rather than printing out D11's homework. She kept talking to me in a nasty tone. I printed the homework and went back to PS3. After D11 got on the schoolbus, Mrs. Hold lit into me again. I just stood there staring at her.

She asked what we are going to do about D11's Bat Mitzvah. She spoke in a mocking tone and said "what, are you just going to sit there and wait until it is a month before the party then we're up the creek? Why are you staring at me? Aren't you going to say anything?"

My mind was racing. Dare I say it? I did.

"You keep asking me to make plans for 17 months from now or further into the future. I keep asking myself whether it is best for the kids and me and you if we are still married in 17 months. I can't make plans that far out because I don't know where I will be living."

Her jaw dropped. She said "I didn't realize we were on the verge of divorce." Then she started crying.

I just stood there. She kept asking me why I was looking at her.

We had an interesting discussion. She blamed me for squelching her attempts to reach out to me early in our marriage. She said "I baked you cookies and left notes for you, but you told me to stop". I replied "yes, I told you to stop because it was all a big tease. You left me love notes and then at the end of the day when I got into bed you told me to stay away and leave you alone because you needed personal space."

She said that relationships depend in chemistry and maybe the chemistry is not there. I said "it was always there on my side. I wish you had let me know sooner it wasn't there on your side". She said "you are wrong, it was there." I asked "then why didn't we have sex on our honeymoon other than the first consummation time."

Then she said something REALLY interesting. She said "I freaked out, OK. I was afraid of the intimacy." WOW! She just admitted she was freaked out by intimacy.

I said "I know. Now. And I understand why you freaked out. I only wish you had shared that stuff with me at the beginning, as you shared the STD. I wish you had not waited 7 years and 2 years of MC before you admitted your past. I could have handled it better earlier. I could have been more supportive. Now there is so much water under the bridge and so much frustration and resentment built up, I can't be as understanding."

I said "the good news is that you don't have to worry about me pressuring you for sex anymore. At this point I am not interested in having the lousy sex we used to have." She said "it is not good news that you no longer want me." I agreed 'you're right, it isn't. I always told you during MC the place you never want to be is where I don't want sex with you. And that is where we are."

She stopped crying and dried her eyes. I left to get ready for work. While I was in the shower, she left. Perhaps to see a divorce lawyer. I don't know.

I feel numb. Mrs. Hold and D11 are going to a swim meet this weekend, so I won't see Mrs. Hold in person again until Sunday night. We'll see what happens.

I am running a half marathon to benefit the Leukemia Society.

When you see it coming, duck!


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Fri, 06-06-2008 - 10:58am


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2007
Fri, 06-06-2008 - 10:59am
There is it, that new found integrity.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2003
Fri, 06-06-2008 - 11:00am

Wow! Good for you, Hold- it sounds like this was a long time in coming. The romantic in me wants to believe that this could be a watershed moment, a wake-up call to your wife.

But the cynic and realist in me tells me from experience that you are right- the years of resentment, frustration, guilt are not easily erased. Even if she admits her fear of intimacy- just diagnosing the cancer is the EASY part. . . the hard part is cutting it out!

Best of luck and please keep up updated.


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
Fri, 06-06-2008 - 11:09am
hey, hold, did you hear me hooting?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Fri, 06-06-2008 - 2:19pm

Hi Hold,

Are congratulations in order? I think so. Your conscious mind may be saying "2000+ days 'til T-day," but it sounds like your subconscious, in its wisdom, may have other ideas...


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-1998
Fri, 06-06-2008 - 3:14pm

Hold, I am glad you shared this with us. I think you did and said the right things, and like someone else said, if it was all done without yelling that is fabulous.

"Her jaw dropped. She said "I didn't realize we were on the verge of divorce." Then she started crying."

Totally amazing how someone can have their head that far in the sand and be in that much denial. After all that you 2 have been through, the overspending, the ML, the counseling, you pulling away, how could she not have a clue??

I'm not sure that I think there is any hope for you and Mrs. Hold. I think it might be just too much water under the bridge to fix. The main thing is that you can be civil to her and keep a straight head while you figure out what is best for YOU. Keep us posted...

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Fri, 06-06-2008 - 3:28pm
No yelling.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Fri, 06-06-2008 - 3:33pm


That is what makes this issue, and so many other marital issues, so difficult to resolve: how to relate the seriousness of your concerns to the other person such that they truly listen.

Changing is very hard for almost everyone. We all fall into certain patterns. It takes a tremendous amount of energy to steer the ship in a different direction. People will rarely exert the energy needed to change unless the pain of changing is *significantly* less than the pain of staying the same. That goes for just about any change from dieting to exercise to relationship problems.

I truly don't know how to bridge the communication cap without escalating it into something ugly. It's a hard problem to solve...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Fri, 06-06-2008 - 6:36pm
Well Hold, hopefully this will start steering things to an eventual
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2007
Sat, 06-07-2008 - 12:32pm
Hang in there, I'm thinking of you.