Sole Source of Satisfaction?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Sole Source of Satisfaction?
18
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 5:23pm

In post 8494.4, janipurr recommended an interesting piece on porn and relationships, including some interesting comments by readers. Thanks for the post, janipurr. One comment I found interesting:


"The viewing of porn in and of it's self is not the issue. The problem arises when one partner uses porn as their sexual outlet, instead of having sex with their partner. It is very difficult to feel sexually close to your partner when you are aware of their preference for porn on the internet, instead of sex with you."


I thought about this in relationship to a period of time in which I was using porn and told my DLLW about it. This was her fundamental concern about it--its displacement of her as my sole sexual outlet. Yet, it always struck me as inconsistent that she would want to limit our sexual interaction and still insist on being my sole sexual outlet when no other person was involved. On some level I thought (maybe hoped?) she would feel relieved that some of the pressure and attention was off her.


I can certainly understand her wanting to be the center of my attention (as I want to be the center of hers), but I thought it cruel and inconsistent to deny someone a secondary outlet when you know you can't supply all the satisfaction they seek. I felt like she was saying, "If you don't get satisfaction from me, you're not to have it at all even if you can find a source that's not another person...and by the way

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2008
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 6:24pm

OK, let me put on the table first off that I agree that if your wife says....

..... I don't want you to look at porn or masturbate because I want to be your only sexually available outlet...

.....then it's absolutely not fair to then limit your access to sex.

HOWEVER, I would also be of the position that your ability to give up the said porn watching meant that you simply had an interest in porn, not an addiction or problem with intimacy. The reader posts that I found the most interesting were the ones where the wives WERE sexually available, and did NOT have a primary problem (at first) with the husbands watching porn. It was only after the husbands started having less sex than the wives wanted and/or started making porn related demands (wants to have sex JUST LIKE the porn videos, wants wife to get a boob job, etc. in one case the wife had ALREADY had a boob job--the husband wanted them bigger!) that the porn became a problem. Clearly, porn was a replacement for intimacy and/or porn had changed the mens views of what women should look like or how sex was supposed to happen. I posted this after being poo-pooed by some of you that REAL men weren't changed by porn use! Well, as you can see, some are.

I guess one of the points of my post is that while that there are women that simply like the physical aspect of sex, I think many women see sex as culmination of intimacy, instead of an avenue towards intimacy. I know that even though I am the HL in my relationship, I REALLY want sex when I am feeling especially close to the BF because of other activities or simply a good cuddle and some intimate talk. Women internalize the competition that is presented by perfect porn sluts the exact same way HL husbands internalize the rejection of sex by their wives. Whether either view is true or not (either the husbands comparing their wives to porn sluts, or wives rejection of their husbands sexual advances as proof she doesn't find him attractive), that doesn't matter. What matters is the internalization of the problem. Wives who feel threatened by porn sluts are never going to REALLY believe that their husbands AREN'T comparing them---and that's because of the stories presented above. There are real stories about husbands who DO change after becoming porn addicts; not just in their attention to their wives but in what they expect of sex and what they expect their wives to look like in order to be turned on. In some cases the wives may have felt they did everything in their power to make themselves available and give their husbands the sex they wanted, and still they need to seek it elsewhere? I think it would be natural to feel hurt and threatened if that was the case, no matter what the reality was or whether the husband agreed with her assessment.

So, what it may come down to is, your wife may have felt she was providing you with all the access she felt capable of providing, and when you made it clear to her that it was not enough by viewing porn, she felt betrayed and threatened. This scenario may or may not have any relation to reality, I'm just trying to guess here how she may have felt about it. Her response to feeling threatened was to gain control, and to gain control she had to limit your access to any other outlet for sex. This is the concept that caging attempts to address (see different thread)---by giving the wife complete and total control of the husbands desire (not just access to sex), it attempts to make male desire a completely safe and positive thing for the wife, hopefully culminating in her having greater interest in having sex.

When you said in a different thread "Is there anybody out there that thinks that getting married would mean having LESS sex? Who would be that ignorant?" (or something similar), I wanted to say--clearly, some women do. Marriage clearly represents for some women safety and security, and no longer a need to "put out" to get that s&s like they had to do in the past. Maybe not consciously, but there nevertheless.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 6:42pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 7:53pm

so your wife doesnt want you to masturbate either?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2009
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 8:01pm
...wasn't there another poster whose wife wouldn't allow (?) masturbation even though she didn't want to help out at all...that does boggle the mind...
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 8:10pm
I dont know, probably.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2009
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 8:29pm
...how would one going about checking to make sure their spouse doesn't masturbate?..that's the question...
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 8:42pm
I have no idea.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 9:46pm

<>

Now THAT's unreasonable, IMO. Did you comply with her wishes?

F.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2008
Sat, 01-17-2009 - 9:14am

My thought is "anti-trust suit".


When there is a sole supplier and the sole supplier refusese to meet the demand of the market, then one of several things must happen:


a)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Sat, 01-17-2009 - 3:20pm

Now THAT's unreasonable, IMO. Did you comply with her wishes?


I try, but once in a while I just have to have a release. I

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