Therapy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Therapy?
8
Tue, 02-03-2009 - 12:44pm

Hi everyone,

I am glad I found this site as I feel much less alone.

I would appreciate any advice or thoughts. I am 35, he is 40, and we have been going around the same argument of me having the HL. What bothers me the most is he said sex used to be a high priority but now it is not. He said last week he could probably go the rest of his life without it, and when he said that I felt a deep sense of hopelessness that we will not work out. We are engaged and I told him this weekend I am committed to him but have doubts we will be able to work through this. Which led to a painful discussion.

He says he doesn't think about it and it isn't a priority for him. When we have sex it is good, he says he enjoys it and I feel he does. He tells me when I talk about it he feels pressured which turns him off. I asked him what I could do- he says he will let me know but never gives me ideas (maybe he doesn't know). Lingerie and things like that don't work, neither does innuendo, flirting.

What causes me the most pain is that he is affectionate as far as cuddling and hugs, so I feel like I get some of my needs met but I want to be desired too. And sex/desire is the only thing I feel is really lacking for me, I hate to leave a relationship where we are compatible in other ways "just" because of sex, it makes me feel terrible, yet I know the less we have sex the more resentful I feel, and that damages a relationship.

I guess I wish I just understood why he used to think sex was important and now he doesn't, especially since he knows it is important to me? His answer is that is just isn't something he thinks about.

We went to therapy once and he told him to work on making me feel desirable, which he did once but hasn't made the effort to since. Do you think we should go back to therapy or do you have any ideas? Thank you so much!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2007
In reply to: autumn3303
Tue, 02-03-2009 - 2:40pm

If you really do want to stay in the relationship I think you should make his participation in therapy a requirement! And I certainly wouldn't get married with things like this.

As so many others on this board will probably tell you, it is not "just sex" and if it's not a priority to him now, it will be even LESS of a priority once the excitement of a new marriage has worn off.

Unfortunately the hopelessness you feel now isn't likely to get any better, and you will NOT likely learn to live with it either.

Either return to therapy or not, but if you hold out any future for the relationship, you should most certainly be talking to a counselor, NOT a caterer!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
In reply to: autumn3303
Tue, 02-03-2009 - 4:15pm

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Hmm, HELL YEAH! Why is that even a question? How do you expect anything to change otherwise?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2007
In reply to: autumn3303
Tue, 02-03-2009 - 4:45pm

<< you should most certainly be talking to a counselor, NOT a caterer! >>


Well said, nj!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2007
In reply to: autumn3303
Tue, 02-03-2009 - 4:55pm

<< He said last week he could probably go the rest of his life without it...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
In reply to: autumn3303
Wed, 02-04-2009 - 9:16am

Thank you all for your honest responses. I guess my question was, do you think we can work it out without therapy? But I am answering my own question. Duh! Of course we need to go, otherwise we would have worked it out.

I will call today. Believe me I am not going to marry him with this issue. However I feel very selfish thinking of leaving the relationship over this, since everything else is good.
I also don't know how to impress upon him that this issue could end our relationship. I don't think he sees this, even though I try to explain this. Maybe I need to just be brutally honest?

Thanks again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2007
In reply to: autumn3303
Wed, 02-04-2009 - 9:47am

<< Thank you all for your honest responses. I guess my question was, do you think we can work it out without therapy? But I am answering my own question. Duh! Of course we need to go, otherwise we would have worked it out. >>


While you may have felt like, "Duh!", I think you've beautifully and concisely articulated the thought process of

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
In reply to: autumn3303
Wed, 02-04-2009 - 10:37am

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
In reply to: autumn3303
Tue, 02-10-2009 - 12:27pm
Thanks to all who posted their thoughts and advice. I was brutally honest and made it clear we will not work if we continue this way, and maybe that is for the best for both of us. He doesn't want to lose me so we have something to work with. Either way I know I have given 100% and am prepared to walk if things do not improve. I feel proud that I am speaking up for what I need and actually do not feel selfish, which I think is in part credited to these message boards. Thanks again!