Is there help for me??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2005
Is there help for me??
18
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 5:11pm
Hi there. I am a 27 year old mother of 2 boys, 3 and 1. My marriage is on the rocks because I have NO DESIRE FOR SEX. None. At all. I give in and do it every once and awhile out of guilt and then I almost always end up crying. What happened to me? I was not like this before the kids, I thought it would be better when I quit breast feeding baby # 2 but it has been a couple months and still nothing. Everyone keeps telling me to just do it anyway and the desire will come back but it just isn't! I feel so alone and so disconnected from my husband and now I'm starting to feel disconnected from my friends too, none of them understand.
I don't want my marriage to fall apart, does anyone out there have any ideas? Do libido inhancing pills work? Anyone? Anything? Help!!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2003
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 5:28pm

It might take more than two months for your hormones to return to a more normal state. How long has your libido been absent? If your oldest is 3 and your libido was fine before children then it can't be much longer than 3 years. Most husbands are patient for the first few years after childbirth especially if their wives are trying to have sex with them. Are you sure your marriage is deteriorating because of your loss of libido or is it possible your libido is absent because your marriage is deteriorating? Keep posting, we will try to help.

Robin

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2005
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 4:07pm
My libido took a nose dive when I became pregnant with my first son in July of 2001. It continued downhill through a year of breastfeeding my firstborn, followed by a second pregnancy and another year of breastfeeding. I stopped breastfeeding son #2 in January and my sex drive is still at zero. No desire for sex, no sexual fantasies, nothing. So my husband has been unhappy about it for a long time. He tries to be patient, but he is frustrated. And so am I! I don't want to live the rest of my days without a sex drive! I asked my Dr. for help, she told me there wasn't anything she could do. My therapist wants to put me on anti-depressants, I am afraid that will make things worse! So any advice would be very much welcomed. I truely am afraid for my marriage. I know he can't stay with me forever with no sex, and I know I can't continue to have sex once a month out of guilt, trying not to break down the whole time. Argh!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2003
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 4:17pm

I will try to help you. It is so frustrating that physicians know so little about female sexuality and we are left with few options. It is likely that your hormones haven't had time to return to normal. January to March isn't all that long a period of time and you had two breastfeeding babies in a relatively short period of time. What are you doing for birth control at this time? Are you using a hormonal form of birth control?

I think (there is no way to be sure because no one knows anything about female sexuality) that part of the problem is you have "forgotten" how to be a sexual being. I DON'T think this is the entire problem. I think your hormones are playing a mean trick on you as well. If I was in your situation, I would first try rediscovering my own sexuality. Explore what use to turn you on. Romance novels are a likely source. Have you ever read one? Did it turn you on? If the answer is yes, then try that again. Explore masturbation. It is time to purchase a Accuvibe or a Hitachi Wand (best vibes in my HL opinion, lol). It is so much easier for us to feel sexual with masturbation than with a partner because we aren't thinking about how he is feeling.

How is your self-image in regards to your own sexiness? Women HAVE to feel sexy to be sexual. Two babies in five years could equal feeling more like a mom than a sexual woman. You don't have to look sexy to feel sexy. But you do have to figure out what makes you feel sexy. Do you have any ideas on this?

Keep talking with me and I will try to help you through this.

Robin

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2005
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 4:40pm
Thank you! Thank you so much for being the first person who has really cared about helping me. You are a stranger and you are taking time out of your life...please know that I appriciate that so very much.
My birth control is Mirena, I don't know if perhaps that could have something to do with it. I had it put in when my son was 8 weeks old. We didn't want to have any more children any time soon, so I thought birth control that lasted 5 years was a good choice. But if that is what is doing this to me, I will gladly switch!
I think you are probably right about not feeling sexual anymore. I feel so completely disconnected from my sexuality. I can't even remember what used to turn me on. But I can tell you my husband's choice of pornography doesn't do it! And I know I don't feel sexy or identify with myself as sexy. I've even tried wearing things from Fredricks of Hollywood for him, but I just felt uncomfortable, not sexy. I'm just not sure how to reconnect with that part of myself, I've morphed into this "mother creature" since the boys. I mean, I wouldn't trade them for the world, but I used to work, go out, have hobbies and now I am simply mom. Maybe it's my mindset I need to change, but that is easier said than done.
Thanks again Robin, for listening and offering your wisdom to me.
Trista
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2003
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 5:14pm

Mirena could be lowering your sex drive. It releases a hormone into the uterus and the blood stream absorbs some of that hormone. The hormone can reduce libido. Decreased libido is listed as one of its side effects. However that isn't to say that you should stop this form of birth control, but if you do other things and your libido doesn't return you might want to have this removed. You are correct in assuming antidepressants could also lower your libido.

Sounds to me like you have been trying to spark your libido by doing what turns your husband on. HE is turned on so don't worry so much about his sexuality, lol. It is YOU that should be the focus at this time. I'm sure there are some women who feel sexy when they watch porn and wear Frederick's of Hollywood lingerie. But how many of us really get excited about that stuff? I believe those things were developed to spark a man's attention not jump-start a woman's libido. The thought of me in one of those peek-a-boo Frederick's of Hollywood outfits certainly doesn't make me feel sexy, lol. Come on girlfriend, what do you find sexy?

Tell you husband that you are making this a priority but don't want his assistance until you ask for it. Tell him that a woman with a high libido on this board has advised you to first seek your libido by yourself. Ask him to be a little more patient and you will get this thing worked out.

YOU deserve a fulfilling sex life!!!!! Tell yourself that every day. This isn't about your husband it is about YOU having what YOU deserve. I'm 45 years old and have a 22 year old daughter. When my daughter was a small child I was still a sexual woman. WE can be both mothers and lovers. YOU can be a mother and a lover. Take that part of you back! You are going to need it because being a mother is very hard work and you deserve the special treat of good sex.

Robin

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 6:07pm

Trista, Robin is a wise woman and she's given you some good ideas to start with. :-) I just wanted to add, do try one of the vibrators Robin suggested, I don't even like sex toys but that Magic Wand, it does things I never believed I could feel and I'm HL with no orgasm problems. Even if it does nothing sexually for you, it's a great massager for your back. LOL Or you can use it on your husband, like at the base of his penis to help him out. It's worth a try.

Don't give up! (hug)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2003
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 8:05pm

Robin has given you some great advice. As she mentioned, two months isn't a lot of time for your hormones to return to normal, so don't start worrying just yet. It takes many women 4-6 months for the Prolactin and other hormones to settle back to pre-pregnancy levels, so you've got a while before you start to need exploring hormonal options.

If you are concerned about your birth control (and it definitely could be playing a part in your libido problems, as well) try researching the patch. Transdermals don't bind the sex hormones the way oral contraceptives do, so have a much lower rate of sexual side effects.

Reconnecting to yourself as a sexual being is fabulous advice. You mention you don't know how, so I thought I'd give you some ideas. These things don't have to start as sexual, but more as a way to refind yourself, to reconnect with the things about youself that you love outside of motherhood. Sex will likely follow once this process starts. Try wearing things that feel good next to your skin, and forget for a while if your hubby thinks they're sexy. For example, I LOVE flannel. It stimulates the nerves on my skin, and feels luxurious. I also love real silk. Think of what fabrics make you feel luxurious, and sensual and wear them. Spend some time pampering yourself--a pedicure, manicure, hairdo, whatever. Even if it means the hubby watches the babies for a few hours, take some time to start your hobbies again. Do things that are stress relieving and even a bit "selfish," because you spend so much of your day tending to the needs of everyone but yourself. Yoga is a good example of this, but it could be going to the record store or seeing a movie, too. Take some time to hang out with friends, without children, and talk only about things that do not concern children. A primary complaint form SaHM's is that they don't get much in the way of intellegent conversation that isn't baby related, and that can mean losing touch with your intellect and interests. You need to rekindle those things.

Once you beging to remember what it feels like to be more than a mom, start on more sexual things intentionally (if it doens't just start to happen). Consider setting aside time for youself once or twice a week to do something that turns you on, either with or without your hubby. This could be sensate touch, instead of intercourse for example. Or, a long, slow bath with a waterproof...er, electric friend.

Then, once you begin to find your desire again for you, make date nights. Have someone take the children, even if it's only for a short time. Renting a hot tub is good for this--romantic, only about an hour, and you can be intimate without the children around. Go for a picnic in warm weather, etc. It's about remember the part of your marriage that isn't about children, but about the two of you.

Hopefully, between your hormones settling down and taking some time for you (as well as switching birth control if you decide to do so), you'll again find that sexual being hiding inside.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2005
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 9:38pm
Thank you all so much for the support, it's exactly what I needed. I was also wondering what any of you might think about my doctor wanting me to take Wellbutrin. Is that going to make me worse?? And does anyone know of a good place to go shopping for some of the "toys" you have been telling me about, like internet sights? I don't see myself running to the local sex shop anytime soon.(Although THAT might be a fun date for my husband and I...)
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2004
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 9:52pm
If you have post partum depression, then your whole life not just sex life will be hard. Is this why he wants you on Wellbutrim? Because of depression?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2003
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 11:00pm

If you need an antidepressant then I think you should certainly have one. Wellbutrin doesn't have the same effect on libido as do the SSRIs like Paxil and Prozac. Depression is very common after pregnancy and you should take care of it if you have it. Really what I'm trying to say to you is that YOU need to be good to YOU. There isn't any way to have a good sex life unless you feel good about yourself. Please take care of you.

As far as buying a vibe is concerned there are a lot of good websites for purchasing them. My favorites are: www.mydrugstore.com, www.goodvibes.com and www.xandria.com. I've bought products from all of these and they come very discreetly packaged. You can order nonsexual drug store products from mydrugstore.com so it is even more discreet than the others. Some other websites are www.adamandeve.com (a little offensive for my taste given that it has lots of pics that don't appeal to me) and www.mypleasure.com (I haven't bought anything from this site so not as familiar with it).

Robin

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