Thinking I'm just gonna have to live with it? Long, sorry...
Find a Conversation
Thinking I'm just gonna have to live with it? Long, sorry...
| Wed, 08-10-2011 - 8:10pm |
Okay here is the story, I am sure based on what I have been reading here on this board that it will sound familiar but I do think there is something that makes mine a little different so I am curious as to what your thoughts are.
My name is Michelle. I am 30 and my husband is 39. We have been married 8 years. My daughter is 7. Yes I was pg with her when we got married; about 6 weeks along. It was a planned pg but I'd heard it might take up to a year to get pg so I thought I'd get started. Happened quickly within about 3 months although we are suffering from secondary infertility trying to conceive our second. That is neither here nor there, just some background info.
My husband is just about everything you could ask for in a husband and a father and I am 100% in love with him. He is a firefighter, goes to work every shift and when he isn't at work has no desire to be anywhere else except in our home with our family. There is nothing he wouldn't do for us. If I want it, I can buy it. If I want to go somewhere he will take me. He attends our daughter's every practice, every competition (she cheer competively), helps with the housewok, makes dinner does just about anything I ask of him. I am constantly hearing how lucky I am from other moms in our life.
I like sex. A lot. I would have sex every single day of my life if I was able. I would do it in every place we could think of in every position we could think of and there is just about nothing that could be physically done that I would be agreeable to that doesn't involve bringing another person into our bed. Don't get me wrong, I am not against it in theory - but not with the man I love and am married to. I believe in monogamy under all circumstance in a marriage.
My
My name is Michelle. I am 30 and my husband is 39. We have been married 8 years. My daughter is 7. Yes I was pg with her when we got married; about 6 weeks along. It was a planned pg but I'd heard it might take up to a year to get pg so I thought I'd get started. Happened quickly within about 3 months although we are suffering from secondary infertility trying to conceive our second. That is neither here nor there, just some background info.
My husband is just about everything you could ask for in a husband and a father and I am 100% in love with him. He is a firefighter, goes to work every shift and when he isn't at work has no desire to be anywhere else except in our home with our family. There is nothing he wouldn't do for us. If I want it, I can buy it. If I want to go somewhere he will take me. He attends our daughter's every practice, every competition (she cheer competively), helps with the housewok, makes dinner does just about anything I ask of him. I am constantly hearing how lucky I am from other moms in our life.
I like sex. A lot. I would have sex every single day of my life if I was able. I would do it in every place we could think of in every position we could think of and there is just about nothing that could be physically done that I would be agreeable to that doesn't involve bringing another person into our bed. Don't get me wrong, I am not against it in theory - but not with the man I love and am married to. I believe in monogamy under all circumstance in a marriage.
My
Latest from the board
Memeber Support
Visit our Member Support area or browse the iVillage Help forum
| Q: | Where can I change my password? |
| A: | Log in, go to Edit My Preferences, and click the Account tab. Make and save your changes. |
Pages
That said, I do still wonder if it's an attraction issue. If he can get revved up by a strip club visit, maybe it's because he does get turned on by those women?
Have you considered a swinger's club? Maybe it would help him to be in a sexually charged atmosphere. I'm not saying switching partners necessarily, as there are different levels of participation at these things from what I understand.
Wow...I feel your pain. And I can't see an angle you didn't cover. Acceptance is a beautiful thing IF you can get yourself "there". Could you maybe do some individual counseling to work on gaining that acceptance? I can tell you're not there yet.
One thing that stood out a little...You said his testosterone level had been checked and in normal range...and I'm guessing doc checked his estrogen (yes, men produce it, too...and sometimes too much...and all that stuff gets mixed up...that system is a finely-tuned machine and things get out of sync in a hurry) as well. Too much estrogen can mess things up, too.
I was intrigued when you said he was more desirous when he'd consumed alcohol.
Normally, this would have a bigger impact on women who had little spontaneous desire (as with my wife).
You have an excellent understanding of your situation. As you say, it is what it is. And yes, wanting your husband to crave and ravish you IS too much to ask -- of him. Just as turning off the desire for sex is too much to ask of you.
I'm more like your husband, so I intuitively empathize with him (including the 'wanting to want' part), but I also understand that you're suffering. Everyone has their own line in the sand. A libido mismatch is a perfectly honourable reason to leave a relationship. Only you can decide how important a lack it is for YOU. I know it's hard.
Freelance
Have you seen FLM's useful description of the LL feeling/dread regarding "knowing" that sex is expected "constantly" and simultaneously feeling broken?
TG thank you for your reply, it was eye opening to say the least...
1) This is one of the points that have hit me while reading this board that I don't think ever occurred to me before. About being grateful for getting regular sex and concentrating less on the fact that he isn't "into" it. You're right, it would asinine of him to ask me to do something with him on a regular basis that I am totally not into (let's say...golfing), ask me to do several times a week and then also pretend as if I am having the time of my life! Like I said, that would be totally inappropriate of him to ask of me. Now I am still working out in my head whether or not you can correlate the two because HE CAN GOLF WITH SOMEONE ELSE! If there was some kind of rule that stated he couldn't play golf at all whatsoever unless he played golf with me, well then I might be more inclined to oblige him and TRY to act like I wouldn't rather be picking my fingernails.
2) Speaking from a place of 100% honestly I never felt like
Getting laid is good(!)
Seriously, one of the things we both find is that good-enough sex is an enabler for stellar sex on occasion - if you don't give it that opportunity, it will tend not to happen.
Pages