Trying NOT to get too excited

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2007
Trying NOT to get too excited
16
Mon, 05-16-2011 - 6:56pm

My boyfriend started a workout routine about a week ago. It seems to be helping him feel better although he's been tired and sore. He apologized for being tired which I didn't really care about. I just said it was no big deal. I hoped he felt better soon. He's always tired so it's nothing new, but he tagged on to that apology by saying, 'Well, yeah you know I'm trying to see if I can get some vigor back and help my libido.'

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Tue, 05-17-2011 - 6:33am

Not to burst your bubble or anything, but... he gave you words, not actions, right? When he starts giving you actions -- and more important, sustains them for at least several months -- then by all means get excited. But you know that's probably not going to happen, because sex isn't a priority for him. Like the proverbial rubber band, he'll keep snapping back to his resting position. But sex IS a priority for you, isn't it? (I remember you from previous posts.) Have you asked yourself why you persist with this relationship if hot sex is important to you? Are you prepared to give up this need for the rest of your life?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Tue, 05-17-2011 - 8:00am

...wait, are you saying that his word took you by surprise???

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Tue, 05-17-2011 - 9:02am
>>Not to burst your bubble or anything, but... he gave you words, not actions, right? When he starts giving you actions <<

I think you are wrong here, FLM. He is giving her actions. He IS working out, he IS taking a holiday from his meds. Now they may not be expressly sexual acts that he is giving her, but they are concrete ACTIONS in an attempt to make a difference. Otherwise, nothing I have done has been worthwhile, and we know I've moved heaven and earth to fix things in my relationship. But that wouldn't be enough because none of it successfully caused me to provide "hot sex" to my DH for the long term.

Now I do believe you are right that she shouldn't get too excited, because her husband may find (like I have) that nothing he tries really helps. But he should get "credit" for actually trying, just as she should get "credit" for finally backing off the pressure leaving him free to explore solutions.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Tue, 05-17-2011 - 10:45am
mirandarr8 wrote:
>>Not to burst your bubble or anything, but... he gave you words, not actions, right? When he starts giving you actions <<

I think you are wrong here, FLM. He is giving her actions. He IS working out, he IS taking a holiday from his meds. Now they may not be expressly sexual acts that he is giving her, but they are concrete ACTIONS in an attempt to make a difference. Otherwise, nothing I have done has been worthwhile, and we know I've moved heaven and earth to fix things in my relationship. But that wouldn't be enough because none of it successfully caused me to provide "hot sex" to my DH for the long term.

Now I do believe you are right that she shouldn't get too excited, because her husband may find (like I have) that nothing he tries really helps. But he should get "credit" for actually trying, just as she should get "credit" for finally backing off the pressure leaving him free to explore solutions.

I agree with Miranda here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2007
Tue, 05-17-2011 - 12:06pm

I'm happy he's thinking about his physical health and the health of our relationship. Whether or not it will lead to more sex is difficult to say at this point since none has happened yet. My bubble is fairly small so I wouldn't be too disappointed in a fall back. We're not married and I don't intend on marrying him. For now I enjoy other dynamics of the relationship enough to stay over my sexual desires. I can't predict what will be so I don't feel the need to commit for the rest of my life.

I admit early on in our relationship I felt affronted by the lack of sex; that somehow there must have been something wrong with "me" to not get the desired sexual response from him. It must have been that I was not attractive, I needed to change, I needed to try harder, I felt unwanted. I realize now that it has nothing to do with me. I was just being selfish and felt so much better about just letting it go. However...because I eased off the gas pedal the relationship hasn't progressed much. Since I feel attached to someone when I'm having regular sex with that individual and each encounter renews my gaga feelings for that person it's difficult to say if that will ever change for me.

The only thing I can think he's feeling like he wants to try at this point is he's noticed the detachment and the stagnation. Granted it's taken almost 2 years for him to notice, but I think it's an LL response. Sex isn't a priority so why would you notice it's absence? Since I don't initiate anymore-and this does go out to all forms of affection-something may have clicked in his head, but I really don't know for sure. I'm swimming in uncharted waters.

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Tue, 05-17-2011 - 2:23pm
My advice is to swim in a different pool.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2007
Tue, 05-17-2011 - 7:45pm

Thanks Miranda! If I've learned anything from reading this board it's been perspective. Although I haven't been able to read a male LL perspective I've tried very hard to understand LL. In the end, I can only change my behavior. I think it's great he's making an effort to change his or at least explore/notice other ways he can relate to me.

I had gone away last weekend on a retreat and last night he told me he had really missed me. I kind of laughed and told him he was being silly I was only gone for a couple days, but he was serious. He missed my sleeping beside him, holding hands while we walked the dogs and kissing my cheek before he went off to work. He missed my physical presence. This is the first time he's verbally expressed himself with any level of intimacy before. I just smiled and told him I missed him too. If anything I find it extremely interesting.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 05-25-2011 - 4:28am

Whoa have him see his physician first!

Goldfish

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2002
Wed, 06-29-2011 - 10:46am

Where there's marriage without love, there will be love without marriage. Benjamin Franklin
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Wed, 06-29-2011 - 12:09pm
DMAM,

Do you think adderall should be the next drug I should try, since the restless leg drug didn't do the trick?

Pages