Very confused: cause for ultimatum?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2008
Very confused: cause for ultimatum?
8
Thu, 07-03-2008 - 9:57pm

Hey all! This may seem silly, but I'm going to throw this out anyway. I've been with a guy for almost a year. We get on fabulously: great partnership, except for the bedroom area. And the problem is: my boyfriend doesn't want sex very much. Bit of a background: I'm 30, he's 26, been living together since March, known each other for about a year, been "together' for 10 months. Yeah, we moved in early, I know. I do a LOT for this guy.....he in a bit of a financial bind, I allow him to live without paying rent, only utilities and food. I do a lot more for him than he does for me (it's a strain to get him to even kiss me, 99% of the time I initiate kisses and/or request them, yes I know, tres pathetic). He exhibits appreciation for what I do now and then, yet the intimacy is severely lacking. And then the sex....well, it's great when it happens....yet it happens on average once every two weeks. Granted we've had guests and have been travelling a few times the last few months, so to be fair I'll say sex is once a week, but tops. SO............. how is the best, more mature way to approach this? I'm a pretty darn great girlfriend (I won't elaborate on stuff I do for this guy), I'm intelligent, financially stable, ambitious, going on to earn my Ph.d, generous, et cetera. I realized I built up some resentment over the last few months over this, and I want to get rid of that and talk with him about this in a way that's effective, in one way or another (whether for better or worse; I realize potential consequences). What do you think? This can't be normal, or is it? He's in awesome shape, a great looking guy, seems like his libido should be healthy at least. I know he's been under stress with work and money, but I've tried to alleviate that by helping him out with the rent, which I totally cover. After almost a year, I feel like telling him I can't do this if sex is so seldom. Sounds superficial and selfish, but at the same time it doesn't feel wrong to feel this way. I'm pretty confused. If anyone has any input from an outside, objective and rational standpoint, I would appreciate that so much!! Thanks for listening....


Regards,


Phoebe92677

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-1998
Thu, 07-03-2008 - 11:33pm

OK this is just my opinion, and I'm no psych major, and of course I don't know your BF, but I am guessing maybe he feels a little emasculated. You are basically taking care of him and assuming the mother role. Not all guys care about these things but many of them do, if they feel they are being taken care of and mothered they lose sexual interest in their partner who then appears to them as "Mother." If there's any way you could get him to stand on his own two feet and be the breadwinner I would be curious to see if things change, if not, then I don't know. *shrug*


I also was trying to read in your post what exactly he does do for you, and why you feel it necessary to pick up all the slack. Are there things you love about him? Things you feel you could not get with another man? Do you feel close? Is he your best friend? Can you see a future with him? Those types of things. :^)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Thu, 07-03-2008 - 11:37pm

"I realized I built up some resentment over the last few months over this, and I want to get rid of that and talk with him about this in a way that's effective, in one way or another (whether for better or worse; I realize potential consequences). What do you think? This can't be normal, or is it? He's in awesome shape, a great looking guy, seems like his libido should be healthy at least."


Yes if you are talking about his libido, this could be very normal for him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2006
Fri, 07-04-2008 - 4:15am

Welcome.

Did you move in together because you felt the two of you were ready, or because he was going through financial hardship?

I get the feeling that he may be feeling emasculated because he can't "provide". Men like to be independent in that regard, and not have to rely on other people.......let alone their woman! And you are apparently doing really well in your life, while he is struggling.

Have you tried to work with him to help get him back on his feet, or are you leaving him to it? He might not appreciate it, if you try to help him out in this area as well, but maybe he needs emotional support more than anything else?

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2008
Fri, 07-04-2008 - 3:35pm

Thanks, everyone, for your responses. You've provided some good insight for me. It's really pretty one-sized, this relationship; there's lots I like about him, but the lack of affection (incl kissing, sex) really bothers me quite a bit. As far as what he does for me....well, not very much, actually. Small things here and there. No love notes or flowers or anything like that, but things like helping me with my car or wanting to spend time with me often (we're rarely apart, except when working). Maybe that's part of the problem: no time away, less appreciation for what you've got? I dunno. I have attempted to talk with him about how I feel about this issue.....it's not really been fruitful, though, and he gets annoyed and defensive whenever I've tried to mention it or ask for more. I guess he's just not a very affectionate type of guy and I've got to either accept that or move on. I don't want to do the latter, because I feel like this guy is my best friend and in nearly every other way he's a terrific partner, the best I've had. Just the intimacy issue, really. I'm afraid to bring it up again, even if it's a different approach. But I guess I've got to take risks or else nothing can change, in one way or another. That's why I mentioned an "ultimatum" in the beginning...I feel I'm at a point where I've tried several times to bring this to his attention in a gentle way, yet nothing's come of it. I'm exhausted and my brain is stuck on how to approach it differently. Anyway, your posts are helpful and gives me something else to thing about. I appreciate that very much.


Regards,


Phoebe92677

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 07-04-2008 - 8:54pm

"I've tried to alleviate that by helping him out with the rent, which I totally cover. After almost a year, I feel like telling him I can't do this if sex is so seldom."


I'm confused.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2008
Sat, 07-05-2008 - 1:45am

Phoebe, the problem may be that this guy is your best friend, and it certainly sounds like you are his.


Friends is the thing relationships try to become when the

Wishing you good luck today, and great pleasure in the future.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2008
Sat, 07-05-2008 - 3:50am

Oh my gosh yes, I don't think i was entirely clear on that one. No, even if things were 50/50, it's the lack of intimacy that has me uncomfortable. I guess I was just rambling emotionally and trying feebly to illustrate that I care for this man quite a lot. Sorry, I can see how that sounded really bad. It's sex, "romance", kissing, whatnot, the whole intimate package, each to some degree or another, all of which exist in fleeting and very

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Fri, 07-11-2008 - 2:19am

I'm not so sure about the "emasculated" theory - there is certainly some merit to it but.... just not sure. To a great degree it depends entirely on how much financial help you give him - for example, if you had a lot of say in what he can and can't do and even gave him an allowance then sure, you may as well remove his testicles right now. But if he's earning his own money and its just the rent where he gets a break then I'm not so sure.

Doe he do stuff for himself? Sports, activities, nights out with the boys, etc?

At this stage, I'm inclined to go with he's not into you like you're into him and he's living with you more for the financial savings than real love.