We're Married, We are not Roommates

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
We're Married, We are not Roommates
49
Tue, 03-17-2009 - 11:38am

Be prepared to chuckle at the irony.


Today my wife is at the computer and I am looking over her shoulder at a headline on AOL news about Bob Barker and something about pornography.

When you see it coming, duck!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2007
Tue, 03-17-2009 - 12:05pm

So what happened with Bob & porn? Don't leave me hanging! ;-)

You just can't win. Anything you do is the wrong answer? Does she even listen when she speaks? ("and this is something you think you should decide for yourself?") lol

Seriously though, it seems like it was a good conversation. Got some things out, made some points.

Good distraction frees us from emotional pain, bad distraction gives you a mouth full of whizz. ~~~ Guru Tugginmypudha
Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Tue, 03-17-2009 - 12:37pm

I don't know about "good".

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2007
Tue, 03-17-2009 - 12:59pm

Oh wow does that all sound so familiar!


My wife hasn't gone quite as far as yours yet, but she's certainly getting close.


There have been VERY long stretches of time where I forced myself to "write off" having sex with her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2007
Tue, 03-17-2009 - 1:02pm

I actually found it sort of intersting that your wife of all people would use the "roommates" term as a bad thing.


Something about that phrase angers my wife immediately, I instantly get "Oh, so if you're not getting laid I'm just a roommate?!?!"


Odd, how else do you describe a realationship where two adults share a roof, bills, responsibilties, but have no intimate marital bond? (sounds like most of the roommates I had in the past!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2007
Tue, 03-17-2009 - 1:09pm

(i) it is not good for the long term prospects for your marriage when your HL husband declares he has stopped trying to have sex with you, <<<

Didn't you even say THAT recently too. Mentioning her "next" husband better be Mr Moneybags. And she played the "what do you mean" game.

(ii) scary to think that maybe you cannot exercise control over your husband through rationing out sex if he isn't going to pursue you for sex.

But do you think someone else will come up now, as a control, once she's noticing you've changed?

~~~

Otherwise, How's things, How are you feeling, How's your mood been? Is it Spring in CT yet.

I look so forward to Summer in the Spring, but once it gets here, it's too hot & I stay inside. So fussy about the weather. ;-)

Good distraction frees us from emotional pain, bad distraction gives you a mouth full of whizz. ~~~ Guru Tugginmypudha
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2007
Tue, 03-17-2009 - 1:22pm

"Oh, so if you're not getting laid I'm just a roommate?!?!"

How hard is it not to get all snarky, "Oh! ya think??!"

Good distraction frees us from emotional pain, bad distraction gives you a mouth full of whizz. ~~~ Guru Tugginmypudha
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2007
Tue, 03-17-2009 - 1:45pm
Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Tue, 03-17-2009 - 2:39pm

>>>>> Do you think someone else will come up? <<<<<


Do you mean do I fear she will turn to someone else?

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Tue, 03-17-2009 - 2:54pm

<>

I have to agree with your wife: there's much more than "the intimate marital bond" to distinguish married couples from roommates. I've been over my reasoning several times before, but here goes again. In addition to sharing a roof, bills, and responsibilities, most married couples (regardless of their sexual status) share: children they have created out of mutual desire, the joy of raising these kids and watching them grow, some physical (nonsexual) affection, emotional support, a shared vision for their lives (individual and family goals, finances, places to live, values), and a common extended family circle. In short, profoundly entwined lives. In theory roommates CAN do all these things, but they don't. (In theory roommates can also have sex.) I admit I would find it somewhat offensive to be viewed as a roommate just because I don't seek and enjoy sex all that much.

JMHO Freelance




Edited 3/17/2009 3:01 pm ET by freelancemomma
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Tue, 03-17-2009 - 2:59pm

<>

I don't think it has to be about loss of control. To me your wife's position seems very easy to understand, albeit "unfair" from a HL perspective. She knows that for you, as a HL man, sex is all bound up with love and has a huge influence on your overall perception of your marriage. When you stop asking for sex, she feels insecure about your love for her and your faith in the marriage. She also feels insecure about losing a way of relating (sex) that the culture at large views as the barometer of a marriage's health.

Freelance

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