what to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2008
what to do
7
Sat, 01-03-2009 - 2:26am

I am HL and my partner most certainly LL. We are gay. He has been making more of an effort of late but it is dependant on me suppressing myself. I have to sit back and wait until the day and time are right for him.


This morning though I couldn't help myself and for a moment touched him sexually (briefly and barely at all). The look he gave me tore apart my heart and he then pushed me away with one finger.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2008
In reply to: scot2008
Sat, 01-03-2009 - 7:39am

sorry to hear about your situation. i think you and i could help each other out some. i know how you're feeling all too well. my husband rejects me in the same manner quite often, devastating me, and he is then usually surprised to find me crying or to hear that i'm feeling unattractive, because he just moves on with his day as if nothing has happened. it really hurts.

it may or may not work, but you should definitely tell your guy how he makes you feel when he does that. sometimes i can explain this to my husband and get through to him that his rejections hurt me, and sometimes he just isn't willing to accept any criticism. he might say that it's not what he's doing that's making me feel undesirable, it's my own inner issues, or it's my mother, or i'm blowing it out of proportion or whatever. what i'm trying to say is that you should be prepared for some denial and hesitance to even spend any time on the subject.

because the truth is, as much as their rejections hurt us, when we discuss a lack of sex with an LL partner, it's very easy for them to feel like we're calling them inadequate. on the rare occasion when my husband actually does discuss this stuff openly and honestly (i hope...) with me, he lets me know that my tendency to get upset with the amount of sex we have makes him feel like there's something wrong with him, too. so when and if you do bring this up, try to be as gentle as possible.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2008
In reply to: scot2008
Sat, 01-03-2009 - 12:58pm

Scot,


Have you made a decision to stay?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
In reply to: scot2008
Sat, 01-03-2009 - 5:18pm

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Bingo!

F.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2008
In reply to: scot2008
Sat, 01-03-2009 - 9:29pm

Thanks for the posts. In response -


I haven't told him how his rejections destroy me as I, unlike him, am trying so hard not to rock the boat in fear it will just sink. I know I should tell him and I will, but he will just get angry or go all quiet.


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That is true and I have always been mindful of that, however if we are honest with ourselves aren't they in some way inadequate? I mean we wouldn't be here if they weren't. I would NEVER call my bf inadequate or try and make him feel that way but the truth is that he probably is inadequate, especially when it comes to dealing with our ML in a kind and caring manner.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
In reply to: scot2008
Mon, 01-05-2009 - 11:29am

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Not necessarily. Having different levels of desire is not inherently inadequate. Your partner could turn that accusation around on you and be able to justify it quite easily. Once it gets into a discussion of adequate vs. inadequate, it turns very damaging and counterproductive.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
In reply to: scot2008
Mon, 01-05-2009 - 2:50pm

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C'mon, Scot, you know it's not that simple. Which one is more likely: that he's "doing this to you" because he's heartless and insensitive, or that he's doing it because he finds it painful and difficult to engage in sexual acts without desire?

Perhaps he's lost the desire and believes deep down that there's no way to get it back. Perhaps he never had much desire to begin with. Either one would be very hard to admit -- to himself, much less to you. And "opening his eyes or ears" won't make a difference if you want someone who genuinely desires you.

F.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2008
In reply to: scot2008
Mon, 01-12-2009 - 12:04am

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I don't think he has ever found it painful or even that difficult to engage in sexual acts without desire. I think he just