Where to go from here?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2008
Where to go from here?
Sat, 06-07-2008 - 3:31pm

I have been with my SO just over 10 years, half of those as a married couple, I am in my mid 40’s and she is 3 years older than me.. The physical side of our relationship was never very active, but there were some mitigating factors (careers, family illness, moving to several different cities, long distance relationship, etc.). If we had sex twice in a month that was high activity, and it was always very vanilla (my previous relationships have included some very creative and adventurous bedroom action). This was coupled with what I would consider to be very little non-sexual physical activity. We have discussed the issue and every time I get promises that things will improve, but it never does. Over the last 3 or 4 years our sex life pretty much died, to the extent that 2 years go I stopped initiating, and surprise, nothing for over a year. To be honest this wasn’t really difficult, because all these years of frustration have hurt my desire level towards her, plus she doesn’t ever make any effort to look provocative (I have bought her nice lingerie but she never wears it). Well she did finally bring the subject up (18 months 0 action), and we agreed again, even talked about a therapist. Well 9 months on we have managed sex twice so far!

Other aspects our relationship is good, we are good communicators, and people actually think we are some kind of model couple! We don’t have children, and are fairly comfortable financially. Unfortunately when it comes to sex I feel like I am speaking Chinese to her. She nods and says yes, but I can’t believe she really has any understanding of how I feel. I think the worst thing is that it has affected our relationship and she doesn’t really seem to even notice that. I feel like I am dying a little inside every day with this situation, yet if I did something dramatic, like walking out I’m sure she would be totally shocked. And we have had some fairly forthright conversations about the issue. Its not in my nature to scream and shout, or to threaten, but something has to give.

I have tried very hard to stimulate her libido, and would try anything right now. If she were interested in another guy, I would be OK with that even, it would at least indicate some interest, and maybe lead to resolution? I have also wondered if she is maybe more inclined towards women. We are friends with 2 lesbian couples, but despite my encouragement seems to have no interest. My only success was introducing the vibrator, which she enjoys but, it hasn’t been helpful for us as a couple.

So what to do? A steamy affair perhaps? I have not pursued anyone, but I feel vulnerable enough I think it could easily happen. When I was single, like most people I think, I was definitely selective, looking for personality, looks etc. Now I feel like I could easily begin a sexual encounter with any willing female. When I was single it was like 10% of the women out there seemed like they were maybe someone I might date. Now I feel like its 80% . Perhaps I should try to find a HL woman who has a similar problem with her LL husband.

There are of course other options, but I’d like to hear suggestions if you have them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Sat, 06-07-2008 - 4:42pm

Get a divorce and move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2007
Mon, 06-09-2008 - 2:04am

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2007
Mon, 06-09-2008 - 10:07am

In my own ML relationship (I am HL, husband is LL), DH always had energy/time/effort for everything he wanted to do. But when it came to physical intimacy, he was always too tired or not in the mood. A big lesson for me was exactly what a previous poster said: if someone wants to do something, they will find a way to do it. I am now starting the divorce process. My advice to you is to move on...things will not change and the hurt and resentment that will build in you will be devestating.