Will be crying myself to sleep tonight

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2007
Will be crying myself to sleep tonight
19
Thu, 10-01-2009 - 9:35pm

I can feel the tears getting ready to spill.


I found the most wonderful man....and reading the posts on this board for the last hour....it seems my fate with him is not what I expected or wanted.


I was in an abusive sexual relationship for over 9 years (I was with the guy total 20).

Missy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Fri, 10-02-2009 - 12:09am

"Life is just not fair sometimes"


So true for many people.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Fri, 10-02-2009 - 12:26am
I'm pulling for you, Missy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Fri, 10-02-2009 - 5:33am

Sorry to hear

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2007
Fri, 10-02-2009 - 8:39am

And this is how oblivious he is to the whole thing....he is in so much

Missy
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Fri, 10-02-2009 - 8:57am
...make it about you Missy...you've come so far and you want to experience life...relationships with people are how we experience life and you want to find out exactly who and what you are...I feel like you are holding both of you up...he has to be as uncomfortable with the situation as you...he is, however...having all of the romance and sex and passion that he wants...I think that he probably "acts" like all is good because that if more comfortable than admitting that he has a much lower libido and sexual need level than his girlfriend does and men in our society are conditioned to be the sexual hunters...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Fri, 10-02-2009 - 8:59am

<>

I think you already know the answer: because he doesn't have a sex drive. He told you so himself.

Missy, why do you keep going around in circles with this? It sounds to me like you're still banking on him changing. We all know that's a low-odds proposition. If you want to stay with this guy, you absolutely NEED to uncouple love from sex in your mind and draw sustenance from his love for you. If you can't or don't want to do that, it might be wise to reconsider the relationship.

JMHO Freelance

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Fri, 10-02-2009 - 9:22am

You know what you have to do.

This guy was the right guy for you AT ONE POINT IN YOUR LIFE. When you were hurting. Had been abused. You needed safety. And healing. And he provided that.

The good news is, you have healed. That is an amazing accomplishment. For you. And for him. Together, you have accomplished something wonderful. Savor that.

But I think you know, he is no longer the right guy for you. He needs to be with someone with a libido closer to his own level. And you, having done the hard work to reclaim your sexuality from your abuser, need to honor your accomplishment by finding a partner you can share your sexuality with.

Do not sully the admirable work you have done together by imprisoning one another. Set yourselves free.

When you see it coming, duck!

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2007
Fri, 10-02-2009 - 11:00am

It kills me to read what you wrote...because it is true.


I just hope I can find those words when we are talking about it....to put it in prespective for him.

Missy
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2007
Fri, 10-02-2009 - 11:56am
Sorry Missy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Fri, 10-02-2009 - 12:17pm

It's not a matter of right or wrong, you're not wrong, he's not wrong, you're just different people and have different needs.


When I told H what we have is no longer working for me and I can't do it any more,

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