Will it ever get better?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2008
Will it ever get better?
44
Wed, 06-11-2008 - 3:55pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Wed, 06-11-2008 - 4:55pm

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It is a losing battle as long as she doesn't work on it. And, of course, you can't force her to do so.

Frankly, the odds are stacked against you tremendously. She has a lot of inhibition to overcome and getting married will likely give her less reason to want to deal with it.

What kinds of "work" do you expect her to do? Have you told her exactly what you expect from her?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Wed, 06-11-2008 - 7:41pm

" What do I do from here?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2008
Wed, 06-11-2008 - 8:18pm
Run while you still can. It doesn't get better, especially since you both seem to be pretty young. It will only get worse after you get married. There are women out there for whom sexual intimacy is just as important as it is to you. Don't wait 10 years and 2 kids later to leave and find the RIGHT person, even though it may hurt now. It'll hurt more then. Thanks, oh, and BTW, I'm a 48 year old woman.
Avatar for moondesert
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 06-11-2008 - 8:52pm
IT IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE. Despite how many people here will tell you that, you're not going to listen to any of us, and you're going to marry her anyway. But at least you must do so with your eyes wide open about the fact that it's not going to change. If by some incredible fluke she does change, it would be merely a perk, not something you can count on. She's told you openly who she is, you've seen who she is for 3 years, and you cannot marry someone with the expectation that they'll become someone else. It's completely unfair to try to make her do so. If you cannot accept that part of her, you should not marry her. And if you do marry her, you make that decision yourself knowing full well what the situation is, and your anger cannot rightfully be directed at her. It's YOUR choice to go through with this knowing about the incompatibility.



If you want someone with whom you are sexually compatible, you have to go find someone like that. As wonderful as your fiance is, you'll not ever have that with her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2007
Wed, 06-11-2008 - 8:55pm
I am so sorry you are going through this. I know exactly where you are coming from. A few minor differences, such as I the wife am in your shoes. My husband and I have been married for 6 1/2 years and have two kids jobs etc. The problem is it has always been this way. I have tried as well to talk to him, and he refuses to adjust saying there's nothing wrong. I have no answer for you so I am sorry. I can say that BEFORE you get married, you should work this out. I don't mean that to be mean, because I love my husband with all my heart, but you can only take being rejected so long. It is better to figure it out before you get married than to go on and begin to resent your spouse. And ironically enough, I was the 19 year old virgin raised in a home with no kisses, hugs or outward expressions of love. So maybe since I went through that also and am this way, she has another reason for her actions or lack of. I hope this helped even a little.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2008
Thu, 06-12-2008 - 8:41am
Moondesert is right, you're not going to get her to change. You can try counseling, but not everything can be "fixed" in counseling either. If you were already married with children and this was a recent problem, then maybe counseling could fix it or at least lead to a compromise. But it seems like she's always been that way. Unless you feel that *you* can change, give up on this woman now while you're still young and have your life ahead of you. I'm not trying to disparage her, I'm sure she's a fine person, but she's not for you. I know it will hurt to break up, but if the love relationship you want to have for life includes close physical intimacy, you will be more hurt from a life of deprivation if you enter into this relationship. Read the posts from the married men on this board; it's sad what some of them are doing or trying to do to even get their wives to hug them or "spoon" with them at night, much less be enthusiastic love partners. There are women who crave what you want as well. Find one.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2007
Thu, 06-12-2008 - 9:25am

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2008
Thu, 06-12-2008 - 10:14am

"It's setting yourself up for years of heartache, but more important, it is terribly unfair and mean to her. "


I agree 100% with this statement.

 

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Thu, 06-12-2008 - 10:21am

Sorry to hear about your situation.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2007
Thu, 06-12-2008 - 10:22am
Thats amazing to me!

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