18 and extremely LL

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2009
18 and extremely LL
6
Wed, 09-16-2009 - 6:13pm

I am 19 now, turned yesterday. For the last....year or so...I have had a terribly low libido. I have talked to my general doctor-who changed my antidepressant, my gynecologist- who brushed it off as fear of STDs and pregnancy (seriously? come on.) and my counselor-who says that it is because of trust issues with my partner.

i have been with my boyfriend for over three years now-and we had sex quite a bit in the beginning of our relationship. it then proceeded to decline to once or twice a week for the majority of the time we were together, which was doable for both of us. The last year has just gotten worse and worse. Currently, we are on our longest stretch without sex: 5 days short of 3 months.

I dont know for sure what this is all about. I theorize that it could be that i started having sex too young (15,) and it damaged my sex drive...or that (my mom has been terribly sick with cancer and actually passed away a week and a half ago) my emotions and stress has made it impossible for me to consider sex, or finally, that our relationship issues (we are generally happy with each other, but...) such as his intense distrust and insecurity or my pulling within myself. another theory that he has is that we've become too much of best friends and less of sexual partners. i dont know if any--or all-- of these are true, but i do know something needs to be done.

i could easily go without sex for another year and not think twice about it, but i have to think about it because he brings it up quite a bit. (he tries not to pester me, but he simply CANNOT understand.) he takes it very personally but i dont know how to explain that its not him. however, lately i have been having more sexual interest-but not necessarily in having sex. (i dont know if this makes sense.)

PLEASE help me! i dont necessarily have bad self esteem or think im unattractive...but i am very reserved when it comes to sex-i am not comfortable doing anything out of the norm. also, when i do have sex i want it to be over quick, but i attribute that with me not wanting to do it very much. i think that me doing it just for him also hurts my labido.

please, please, please give me some hints! all of the "professionals" that i've spoken to haven't really taken me seriously, but this is really affecting my relationship and hurting my boyfriend. oh, it might be important to tell you that i've never climaxed and i have only masturbated once or twice and didn't really gain anything from it.

thank you so much for your help.




Edited 9/16/2009 6:44 pm ET by shanahan09
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Registered: 09-16-2009
Wed, 09-16-2009 - 6:14pm
Please help. Im not ready for this relationship to end. Neither is he, but he says he has needs.


Edited 9/16/2009 6:43 pm ET by shanahan09
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2002
Wed, 09-16-2009 - 8:55pm

sweetie, i do offer my condolences for your recent loss. {{{{{}}}}} watching someone go through a terminal illness, being a caregiver, and then finally losing that person to the illness can be an enormously stressful event for anyone. you really need time to grieve. no one can tell you how long that will be, but if your boyfriend is also your best friend, he really should just really be there for you giving you support and understanding. now is not the time for you to be doing sexual things you don't want to do. that will only make your libido worse, and possibly cause a sexual aversion or even a painful condition called vaginismus.

you're already on antidepressants which often have an effect on libido. on top of that you don't seem to have a firm understanding of how your body works sexually and have never experienced climax alone or in your encounters with your boyfriend. this will surely have an effect on your libido and sexual expectations. there is this cycle of low desire => lack of arousal => lack of orgasm => unsatisfying or unfulfilling encounters and experiences => back to low desire. any variable can exacerbate any other variable. there are other variables like painful or unpleasant intercourse (also resulting in or from lack of arousal or orgasm, etc.) or inadequate stimulation which can also cause lack of arousal => etc. if you don't have an understanding of what feels good to you, it will be hard to have adequate stimulation.

but all this pales in comparison if you are not emotionally or mentally comfortable enough to even be having sex. not everyone (women particularly) can have or at least enjoy sex if they are sad, and now it seems worried or fearful and anxious about your relationship. if a woman is angry or resentful for any reason, that is not conducive at all to being turned on let alone having an orgasm. there is a whole gamut of emotions that you are going through right now (many negative, but not all) and will have to go through to start healing.

one way to be start recovering is to focus on someone else that may also be in need or help, and this applies to your boyfriend as well. he really should be focusing on you more. and when i say need, i'm not talking about sexual needs although they are real, at this point i don't feel you can address those. but he and you can do things that don't focus on one's self, but on the other real needs of other people including you and him. you can still be affectionate; touch (it doesn't have to be sexual) is very important. infants can die without loving touch even when they receive everything else, and older people can get clinically depressed without it. i wish you the very best, and i hope that your boyfriend will be able to understand this. no matter how bad this moment may be, it too will pass, i promise you.

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Fri, 09-18-2009 - 9:14am

You are young. You are under lots of stress. Understandable that you might not want sex now. Some people want more sex when under stress. Some want less. Right now you are learning who you are. Do yourself a favor. Tell your boyfriend to give you space. If he needs sex right now, break up and let him find someone else. If it is meant to be, you'll end up together later. My sister broke up with her bf just before my wedding. Years later they got back together and got married and have a beautiful son.

Hard to have perspective when you are 19 and in the relationship. But it will work out if you don't force it. Focus on being there for your Mom and on the rest of your life.

When you see it coming, duck!

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2009
Sun, 09-20-2009 - 2:08pm

I have been struggling with my relationship for awhile as well. There are a couple of other things that I didn't mention previously that could be affecting my libido.

I tried to break up with my boyfriend in the spring, but he was determined to keep us together. I have told him that if it is so important to him to have sex, to go off and take care of his needs, just as I am trying to do. however, he seems to want to keep me, despite the difficulty he is having and the trouble he is causing me. i think our relationship is quite controlling in many ways- (though he cannnot see or recognize it.) i feel such a huge obligation to fix this problem: though the rational part of my mind has said time and time again that there is no rush and there are bigger things to be concerned about.

another thing that could be affecting my libido is my use of hydrocodone and xanax. i think they both have an affect of sexual function.

I agree that there is a lot a stress in my life right now. the problem: I have trouble recognizing what is going in inside and around me. It helps to be reminded of what i should already know.

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Mon, 09-21-2009 - 9:55am

I think you have stumbled across one of the best predictors of whether a relationship will be successful over the long term.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2009
Fri, 12-11-2009 - 1:50am

You are taking antidepressants, so your doctor believes you are depressed. That certainly can't help your libido, I would think. I don't know much about depression, as a diagnosis, so I can't possibly help with that.

Maybe you just aren't interested in sex. It is possible you are, and are repressing it, but it is also possible you simply aren't interested in sex. And if you aren't, it also could be because of your particular biology, or some trauma in your life, or learned shame, or a physical problem that may be permanent or passing, or trust issues with your boyfriend. Everyone is different.

Two things stand out to me about your post.

You said you had sex, but you didn't mention whether or not you wanted sex, before your recent problems. Where you having sex because you were horny and just couldn't wait?I do think the fact you didn't talk about your own interest in having sex, rather than your practice of having sex, is important to the conversation.

The other thing is your mention of having not had a climax. Maybe you just won't, but maybe failing to have an orgasm causes more frustration and depression. I must say I, a self admitted HL, would be wildly depressed if I didn't come for a week or so. It definitely affects my mood! But I'm me, and you're you. We are different. Many women don't have orgasms and aren't depressed, so obviously many people aren't affected by it as I am. There may be men who don't come, and are fine with that, but I have no clue if there are or not, so I don't speak about them.

While I think it would be good for you to have an orgasm some day, I don't think doing so will solve your problems. My wife didn't have an orgasm until we had been married for 6 years. It took a lot of hard work to make it happen, and a large part of that was making her feel slightly comfortable with sex with me. At first she could only achieve orgasm in a dark room, with me out of her line of sight. If she could see me, she froze up, and it couldn't happen.

Good luck.