22 no libido, please help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2007
22 no libido, please help!
8
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 1:26pm

I am new and looking for help.

I am currently in a 3 year relationship. He is my Mr. Wonderful I couldn't ask for someone more perfect. Everything I have ever wanted he is. But the problem lies with me, I have always had very low to almost no libido. I have been to the doctor, have normal blood work, so the dr switched my bc pills in the last 2 years six times. It didn't help. I went to the health food store, the supplements didn't work, just made me moody. It just isn't there. My bf understands, but I don't want it this way, it isn't fair to him. He never pressures me and reads my moods very well. We have only had sex 3 times in the last year. We have tried going away on trips, trying in areas where we might get caught for the excitement, but no, nada, nothing for me. We have introduced toys, done role playing, but it doesn't seem to help. HELP!!

I don't want to be like this, I want to be normal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 2:57pm

"He never pressures me and reads my moods very well. We have only had sex 3 times in the last year. We have tried going away on trips, trying in areas where we might get caught for the excitement, but no, nada, nothing for me."

Exactly what do you mean "no nothing" for you? No orgasm? No feelings of emotional closeness or physical stirrings? I'm trying to understand why you only had sex 3 times last year. Were you waiting for something particular to happen? From a functional standpoint, I would think you would have no problem having sex. Your boyfriend only tried to initiate 3 times? Or did he try more often and you turned him down a lot?

You might want to check out some books at the local book store. Reclaiming Desire is one book but it is very dry reading. Or here are a few books from Sandra Pertot:

Perfectly Normal: Living and Loving with Low Libido

When Your Sex Drives Don't Match: Discover Your Libido Types to Create a Mutually Satisfying Sex Life

Another one is the Sex Starved Marriage book.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2007
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 6:25pm

tryinghard55,

I have feelings of emotion and closeness when we kiss and hold each other, but no desire to go any further by pleasing him or letting him please me. I would much rather just so to sleep. It's not that I don't like sex, I just don't have the desire. I turn him down all the time. He has the desire and always respects that I'm just not in the mood. But it is not fair for him, I know its not!

I will check out the books you recommended. Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2007
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 7:26pm
If your doctor has done blodd work and everything is ok and you don't have a hormonal issues the only thing I could think of is some medication that you are on. Are you on an anti-depressant? If you are that might be it, some of the side affects are "lack of sex drive". If you are not on an anti-depressant I would seek a second opinion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2007
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 7:55pm

jaeskye22,

Nope the only pills that I am on is birth control. I have tried six different pills, none helped with my sex drive. I just don't think this is normal because I'm 22, I should have a sex drive! A second opinion I'll look into. Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2007
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 10:53pm

I noticed that you said you turn him down all the time. Have you ever considered just trying to start and letting him try to get you excited to see if it would work that way? Even if you have no desire when you start with a little of the correct stimulation you should start to respond eventually. If you are dry use lube.

If you have only given into your BF 3 times in the last year how long do you think it is going to be before he starts thinking the grass is greener on the other side? Don't say he won't because even if he loves you, you constantly turning him down and not even trying is going to continue to make resentment grow on his part and you WILL lose him. You may want to try to compromise and consider at least letting him try to get you excited once a week or even twice a month if that is too much for you to endure. Isn't he worth that to you?

After living with a man I loved dearly for 14 years I divorced him because he refused to even compromise on the mismatched libido issue. So I KNOW that if you are not willing to try you can lose someone who loves you. At least you are looking for help. But you should be trying to compromise with your BF at least a little! If sex doesn't cause you physical pain I don't understand why you don't want to please him at least a few times a month.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2007
Thu, 08-30-2007 - 2:26pm

tami-kins,

Your so right, I guess I need to see his "needs", the last thing I want is for him to go elsewhere. I know I have a problem and that is why I came here for answers/help.

No, I have never tried to just let him try to get me in the mood. I always just turn him down. I never thought that he would want to work at getting me in the mood. I thought it was not fair to him, to have to work at it, because it was not HIS problem. But not doing anything..is so far worse! This is something that makes total sense. I just need to let go of 'I'm not going to get in the mood' attitude and do it for him. Thank you for your post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2007
Thu, 08-30-2007 - 3:12pm

I hope it works for you sunshine. I know if my ex-husband had been willing to let me get him 'in the mood' or at least try our marriage may have survived. As it was I ended up divorcing him because he wouldn't compromise. It was his way, his time or no way. It really hurts when you get turned down all the time from someone you love. Even if you accept it, after a while it wears at you and will start looking elsewhere for the things that are missing in your relationship.

Good luck and I hope things work out for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2007
Thu, 08-30-2007 - 6:26pm

tami-kins,

Thank you for your words. :) They put a whole new outlook on my heart.